Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 11/8-

[Highwulf]

Hey guys, some of you know & some of you don't as part way to battle my depression, anxiety & ptsd I was told to get snugglies, supposedly I can talk to them, I can cuddle them when depressed anxious, you get the idea, well I have 4 so far. I was told it may not be a good idea to put their pictures up in here so all you who support me can see what I am having to do to heal so hear they are

http://twitpic.com/b9wyg0 - Day 1

http://twitpic.com/basxhv - Day 2

http://twitpic.com/bax6gw Day 3

If it's not deemed okay by the Officers such as StickyVicky or the fellow #VNA Soldiers then I will take them down.

For the record it's helping, a little at least, more than the meds

[WalterB]

You post what you wish, highwulf. All is welcome and appreciated. This forum, according to Vicky, is where we post our thoughts and wishes and desires. No one is going to be offended by your snugglies.

It's a great idea.

[lilJebby]

Highwulf, Many of us have been through depression an other mental battles. Just know that there is hope and a future that is better. We are part of your team of help!

Jebby

[stickyvicky]

Would you be allowed to have a small dog?

[Highwulf]

Would you be allowed to have a small dog?

Would I be allowed one? If I showed significant improvement maybe. The problem is sadly & it disgusts me to admit but between my pain, weakening joints & depression, anxiety & ptsd I am unable to take care of myself. I can't even lift a small ball more than a few feet & most of the time I can't motivate myself to eat,
Again if I show enough improvement on the mental side they might deem me safe to keep a pet.

I find myself sickened by my own condition even when everyone assures me I have no real control over it. Only thing I have control over right now is my "Man-Meat" to steal one of your lines from "My friend's hot Mom"

Thanks for all the continued support, it really does help to know I am not alone in this fight

[Highwulf]

You post what you wish, highwulf. All is welcome and appreciated. This forum, according to Vicky, is where we post our thoughts and wishes and desires. No one is going to be offended by your snugglies.

It's a great idea.

Thanks Walt. I am still only a Private in this Army despite being here a year, I know it's my own fault for not posting very often. still given my Rank I fear ruffling too many feathers.

But I'll keep that freedom in mind.

Thanks for the continued support & encouragement, it means a lot

[Highwulf]

Highwulf, Many of us have been through depression an other mental battles. Just know that there is hope and a future that is better. We are part of your team of help!

Jebby

Thanks Jebby, it helps to know I'm not fighting this struggle all alone

[stickyvicky]

I don't believe you Highwulf, I've seen you jerking off. You are stronger than you know, lol...

Seriously the thing about having a pet, is you have to take it out for a walk. That's why they keep people young and active. You feel bad for the dog, cause it really really wants and needs to go out, it makes the dogs day, and you can't bear to not make it happy if you love it. So no matter how wretched you feel, you go out, and then you feel better in return. It's a symbiotic relationship. They are good for us.

[Highwulf]

So I have been taking the Qeuetaiepine & Zoloft religiously & when then things are excruciating & I can't see myself wanting to live anymore I smoke a blunt. Thankfully it's rare so I am not buying it. (Illegal here) the prescribed drugs are doing little or even nothing to help, they're just making me sleep.

I will give them one more week & if they have no effect I'll have to speak to my specialist about changing them.

On the physical side of things my health is still deteriorating irregardless of the therapies but the doctor has put increased the dosage of my pain meds, again. 1 more increase I will be at the maximum safe dosage & doctor said there are very few options left after that & apparently I am not viable for surgery, it's too late

[Highwulf]

I don't believe you Highwulf, I've seen you jerking off. You are stronger than you know, lol...

Seriously the thing about having a pet, is you have to take it out for a walk. That's why they keep people young and active. You feel bad for the dog, cause it really really wants and needs to go out, it makes the dogs day, and you can't bear to not make it happy if you love it. So no matter how wretched you feel, you go out, and then you feel better in return. It's a symbiotic relationship. They are good for us.

I visit my neighbours a couple of times a week & they have 4 dogs & 10 cats so I stroke them a bit, other than that I can only cuddle my stuffed animals. But at least I don't have to clean up their mess lol

[LauraJebAndSue]

Highwulf,

Please adopt a dog. It gives you a reason to live and get up each day. Dogs cure even kids with cancer. If it does not work out after a month Walt will adopt the fur ball from you.

Just know that life sucks for most all of us at some points and we ALL in the VNA stand with you. If you don't know read Miss Vicky's bio!!! Vicky has been to Hell and back. We know that dogs have helped her. Get a grip on reality and "Just Do IT!"

Some know that We are "Bitches on Wheels" but we tell it like it is.

Laura Jeb and Sue

[Highwulf]

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. As some of you may have noticed I have been very distant lately I am sorry,

My spine and hip are deteriorating faster than before, faster than my therapies can compensate for which is leaving me in excruciating pain all of the time, made even worse by the harsh winter that has hit the UK.

I am on lots of new meds, strong meds including a synthetic version of morphine which my doctor assures me is a strong as hydrocodone (Vicodin) and has put me on the maximum dose, am also on stranger anti depressents, max strength Zoloft & sedatives to keep me... controlled?

Three weeks ago I am ashamed to say I overdosed, I have made a full recovery since but what is worrying me is nobody, not the doctors, psychiatrists or even I know whether the overdose was intentional or accidental.

I am so scared that I got to a point where subconsciously I may have tried to end it... I love the VNA though

They are arranging special support for me now to insure it doesn't happen again but the new drugs make me so damn tired it's hard to make it to the shows & I feel horrible for missing them.

I am crying as I type this update and feeling like a complete idiot... why the hell I am I crying? I should give myself something to cry about... I know it wouldn't solve anything so I wont.

I am in a really bad place this festive season & trying so very hard to put on a front for friends & for family, and even for all of you, when I turn up to the shows I put on my mask, I turn on my cam & for that hr I try to forget my problems... they come back after.

I wish there was some way I could fight this. I am dusgusted with myself & I know I shouldn't be, I know I have no control & should let it happen, it's just not in my nature.

I WANT to fight, I NEED to get better. I just don't know what to do anymore.

On the insistence of so many in the VNA & in my wider circle of friends I have decided to get a pet, a little Kitten, will be getting it next year, early January.

I apologise for this post being rather depressing. I know the hope has been that over time I wou;d indicate that I am getting better,
If I am becoming too depressing then just tell me to stop, that enough is enough & I shall, shall continue to suffer & fight in silence.

[carl goldfinger]

Highwulf,

Please adopt a dog. It gives you a reason to live and get up each day. Dogs cure even kids with cancer. If it does not work out after a month Walt will adopt the fur ball from you.

Just know that life sucks for most all of us at some points and we ALL in the VNA stand with you. If you don't know read Miss Vicky's bio!!! Vicky has been to Hell and back. We know that dogs have helped her. Get a grip on reality and "Just Do IT!"

Some know that We are "Bitches on Wheels" but we tell it like it is.

Laura Jeb and Sue

Yeah, Trio... me thinks, its a very good idea... it directs yourself away from mapping the pain into your subconsciousness, Peter.
To have a pet to care for is the best way to find back to a kind of "normal" life.
& the pet may help you if you train it. Many handicaped ppl have a dog to open doors, bring the shoes... etc..etc...
& you can give it love & earn some ...

Head up & never give up, Peter

Sinerely

Carl

[rhys1975]

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. As some of you may have noticed I have been very distant lately I am sorry,

My spine and hip are deteriorating faster than before, faster than my therapies can compensate for which is leaving me in excruciating pain all of the time, made even worse by the harsh winter that has hit the UK.

I am on lots of new meds, strong meds including a synthetic version of morphine which my doctor assures me is a strong as hydrocodone (Vicodin) and has put me on the maximum dose, am also on stranger anti depressents, max strength Zoloft & sedatives to keep me... controlled?

Three weeks ago I am ashamed to say I overdosed, I have made a full recovery since but what is worrying me is nobody, not the doctors, psychiatrists or even I know whether the overdose was intentional or accidental.

I am so scared that I got to a point where subconsciously I may have tried to end it... I love the VNA though

They are arranging special support for me now to insure it doesn't happen again but the new drugs make me so damn tired it's hard to make it to the shows & I feel horrible for missing them.

I am crying as I type this update and feeling like a complete idiot... why the hell I am I crying? I should give myself something to cry about... I know it wouldn't solve anything so I wont.

I am in a really bad place this festive season & trying so very hard to put on a front for friends & for family, and even for all of you, when I turn up to the shows I put on my mask, I turn on my cam & for that hr I try to forget my problems... they come back after.

I wish there was some way I could fight this. I am dusgusted with myself & I know I shouldn't be, I know I have no control & should let it happen, it's just not in my nature.

I WANT to fight, I NEED to get better. I just don't know what to do anymore.

On the insistence of so many in the VNA & in my wider circle of friends I have decided to get a pet, a little Kitten, will be getting it next year, early January.

I apologise for this post being rather depressing. I know the hope has been that over time I wou;d indicate that I am getting better,
If I am becoming too depressing then just tell me to stop, that enough is enough & I shall, shall continue to suffer & fight in silence.

Wulfie,

Your health is the most important thing here mate.

Sorry to hear about the OD but whether it was conscious/subconscious or whatever DO NOT feel bad for missing shows or not being on cam, feeling that way is just giving you extra stress. Don't get me wrong, it's always good to see you, just focus on getting yourself sorted

Don't question why you cry, it's a release of emotion/stress and whilst it may not feel good at the time it does help (trust me, I'm a right weepy son of a bitch! :) ) You seem to worry about putting on a front for people, you shouldn't. Just be yourself mate

You WILL fight, and you WILL get better. You have us to talk to, we may not have the answers but we are here to listen. This is an ace community and I like to think we look out for each other

I hereby forbid you from suffering in silence!
Oh and excellent choice on getting a kitten, you decided on a name yet?? :)

[WalterB]

...we may not have the answers but we are here to listen.

Rhys has it right. Also may I make this suggestion. I have had to do this in a couple places in my house, because sometimes I forget when or if I have taken certain meds for the day.

Get yourself a notebook. When you take meds, write down the day, the time and what you took. Meds will affect you, and could make you forget. If you have it written down, there is no room for doubt. More than one person has died because they simply forget what they had taken, then OD'ed because of that. Don't take that chance. Get yourself a notebook and write it down!

Something else you might consider is a Pill Box. A Pill box is a 7 segmented box (for 7 days,) into which you put your meds for the day I have one that is divided into AM and PM. If you have morning and night meds, get one. If you take them all at one time, get 1 box. That is another way to keep track.

And you keep on talking to us. Watching Porn is not all we do here. We also help our friends, even if it is only to listen.

[Highwulf]

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. As some of you may have noticed I have been very distant lately I am sorry,

My spine and hip are deteriorating faster than before, faster than my therapies can compensate for which is leaving me in excruciating pain all of the time, made even worse by the harsh winter that has hit the UK.

I am on lots of new meds, strong meds including a synthetic version of morphine which my doctor assures me is a strong as hydrocodone (Vicodin) and has put me on the maximum dose, am also on stranger anti depressents, max strength Zoloft & sedatives to keep me... controlled?

Three weeks ago I am ashamed to say I overdosed, I have made a full recovery since but what is worrying me is nobody, not the doctors, psychiatrists or even I know whether the overdose was intentional or accidental.

I am so scared that I got to a point where subconsciously I may have tried to end it... I love the VNA though

They are arranging special support for me now to insure it doesn't happen again but the new drugs make me so damn tired it's hard to make it to the shows & I feel horrible for missing them.

I am crying as I type this update and feeling like a complete idiot... why the hell I am I crying? I should give myself something to cry about... I know it wouldn't solve anything so I wont.

I am in a really bad place this festive season & trying so very hard to put on a front for friends & for family, and even for all of you, when I turn up to the shows I put on my mask, I turn on my cam & for that hr I try to forget my problems... they come back after.

I wish there was some way I could fight this. I am dusgusted with myself & I know I shouldn't be, I know I have no control & should let it happen, it's just not in my nature.

I WANT to fight, I NEED to get better. I just don't know what to do anymore.

On the insistence of so many in the VNA & in my wider circle of friends I have decided to get a pet, a little Kitten, will be getting it next year, early January.

I apologise for this post being rather depressing. I know the hope has been that over time I wou;d indicate that I am getting better,
If I am becoming too depressing then just tell me to stop, that enough is enough & I shall, shall continue to suffer & fight in silence.

Wulfie,

Your health is the most important thing here mate.

Sorry to hear about the OD but whether it was conscious/subconscious or whatever DO NOT feel bad for missing shows or not being on cam, feeling that way is just giving you extra stress. Don't get me wrong, it's always good to see you, just focus on getting yourself sorted

Don't question why you cry, it's a release of emotion/stress and whilst it may not feel good at the time it does help (trust me, I'm a right weepy son of a bitch! :) ) You seem to worry about putting on a front for people, you shouldn't. Just be yourself mate

You WILL fight, and you WILL get better. You have us to talk to, we may not have the answers but we are here to listen. This is an ace community and I like to think we look out for each other

I hereby forbid you from suffering in silence!
Oh and excellent choice on getting a kitten, you decided on a name yet?? :)

Indeed I have my eye on a black or what kitty, preferably a male, gonna call him Hunter... If a female kitty grabs my soul though I will call her Dianna as the Goddess of the moon also called Dianna the Huntress in the old Greek texts

I will give it my soul...

[crank]

Peter,
I couldn't have put it any better than Rhys did. Even though we may not be able to physically help you, we are here to listen and support you. That in itself often helps people and hopefully the care and support you get here from your VNA friends will do you a world of good.

Keep fighting, I know you can improve physically and emotionally with your doctors' care and our support here.

[Highwulf]

On Monday the 17th December I was forced to call out the Dr's out of hrs response as I was experience excruciating pain of 10/10 scale for 10hrs & had received no relief lower than an 8/10 in five days & had been paralyzed from the worst down since noon. They said that the reason for the paralysis was pressure to base of the spine.

they were forced to give me Klonopin, Valium & shot of morphine into my spine, so far (Tuesday the 18th) I am still awaiting significant release

[Highwulf]

I know I haven't updated in a while however I have been trying to get by as best I can and between procedures & tests & waiting for results have kept me busy.

Long & short of it is my kidneys may or may not be ruined & my prostrate may or may not be inflamed, these are tests I am still awaiting but the last battery of tests showed irregular brain function & abnormally low blood count warranting URGENT testing, so urgent they are still making me wait & worry.

Am attempting to keep my spirits up with the VNA but tests make that awkward

[WalterB]

Pretty hard to put things like that out of your mind and keep a positive attitude, but a positive attitude is exactly what you need to cultivate. If you start feeling down, it is like a downhill roll. You hopefully can start thinking happy thoughts, think of others having even more problems than yourself, and try to feel better from that. Is there a Children's Hospital anywhere near you? I know you have pain issues, but if you are able to get out and about, that would be a great place to go volunteer and divert your mind to those with even more difficult issues. In the meantime, all I can say is good luck with your tests and issues. Someday this will be all behind you, and you won't believe how good you feel.