A. because he was a fungi
My New Spot For Joke Of The Week Guys!
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Q. Why does everybody always wanna hang out with the mushroom ?
A. because he was a fungi
A. because he was a fungi
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.’
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.’
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
lmao shanda that was funny !
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
lmao that's a good one free !
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
When Walt was younger, he went to Canada for a short while to sell peaches door-to-door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something ShandaFay dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then Shanda pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
Walt said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something ShandaFay dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then Shanda pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
Walt said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob goes into the bedroom, and without a word, grabs a suitcase, throws a few things into it from his wife's drawer, grabs them both and throws both out the front door, locking it behind them.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Damn! I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob goes into the bedroom, and without a word, grabs a suitcase, throws a few things into it from his wife's drawer, grabs them both and throws both out the front door, locking it behind them.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Damn! I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
A very tall balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger woman at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,′ the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, smiled and said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There was only $25 in your account.’
‘I know’, said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,′ the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, smiled and said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There was only $25 in your account.’
‘I know’, said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Sorry, Shanda, dear. Just HAD to give you this one.
Ok, don't tell me you don't think of this -- I know you DO,
Public restrooms are difficult to use, at best, especially if you have to sit down. The matter is helped if you are in a well maintained place, such as at your local food emporium.
On top of that, it's nice to go in when no one has been there in a bit. It just feels better. But you know what? It can be so much better if you go in right after someone. Why?
Well, when you sit down, the seat is soooo Warm!!!
Ok, don't tell me you don't think of this -- I know you DO,
Public restrooms are difficult to use, at best, especially if you have to sit down. The matter is helped if you are in a well maintained place, such as at your local food emporium.
On top of that, it's nice to go in when no one has been there in a bit. It just feels better. But you know what? It can be so much better if you go in right after someone. Why?
Well, when you sit down, the seat is soooo Warm!!!
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
A Police officer radios in to his headquarters.
"23 to Central. Is that you, Sarge?"
"Yes. Go ahead."
"We have a case here. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on her fresh mopped floor."
"Ok. Have you arrested the woman?"
"No Sir. The floor is still wet."
"23 to Central. Is that you, Sarge?"
"Yes. Go ahead."
"We have a case here. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on her fresh mopped floor."
"Ok. Have you arrested the woman?"
"No Sir. The floor is still wet."
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Nix had just finished reading a new book entitled; "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to ShandaFay, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the law.
"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and bring it to me. When I am done eating it, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!
"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
ShandaFay replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to ShandaFay, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the law.
"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and bring it to me. When I am done eating it, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!
"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
ShandaFay replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Bob goes to his friend Sam and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Bob what he's really up to.
Bob, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Bob what he's really up to.
Bob, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Ok, lemme get this straight. A suppository is something you shove up your ass, right?
So, that long black thing ShandaFay shoves up Nix's ass is a suppository?
Criminey! That explains that last Doctors visit. Next time that bastard says "I have a suppository for you" I'm running right through that door. The hell with doorknobs.
So, that long black thing ShandaFay shoves up Nix's ass is a suppository?
Criminey! That explains that last Doctors visit. Next time that bastard says "I have a suppository for you" I'm running right through that door. The hell with doorknobs.
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
My niece works with my nephew, so I stopped by to see her this morning. She said, "Gee, Uncle Sonny, you look pretty bad." I replied, "Really? I feel great."
So, when I got home, I looked it up. "Hmmm, looks bad, feels good. Hmmmm." Crap! I've got Vagina!
So, when I got home, I looked it up. "Hmmm, looks bad, feels good. Hmmmm." Crap! I've got Vagina!
I can resist everything except temptation.
Snow Fights Arent For Everyone.......
- Attachments
-
- jokerbatman.jpg (24.26 KiB) Viewed 35 times
Last edited by Fr33Sprt on January 28th, 2016, 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Girls Got Balls. They’re Just A Little Higher Up, That’s All" --Joan Jett
-
- Free VNA Live Camshows
