Zany
Joke Thread
-
Hornylady9
- Captain
- Posts: 1822
- Joined: May 2nd, 2013, 8:19 pm
- Location: South Carolina
That is funny and awesome!!!
Zany
Zany
Enjoy each day we are not promised tomorrow!
-
DrDave47
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2883
- Joined: January 2nd, 2015, 12:08 am
- Location: South of Anchorage, Alaska
Missing from Action :
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third morning, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third morning, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
An orgasm is when a woman is sexually happy and she shows it. Sometimes many times. A climax is when her toes curl up so hard they cramp, her pussy grips you like a set of Craftsman lock grips, and she stuffs a pillow in her mouth to keep the people at the mall five miles away from hearing her joy!
-
Hornylady9
- Captain
- Posts: 1822
- Joined: May 2nd, 2013, 8:19 pm
- Location: South Carolina
Now that was a smart man DrDave 
Zany
Zany
Enjoy each day we are not promised tomorrow!
-
DrDave47
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2883
- Joined: January 2nd, 2015, 12:08 am
- Location: South of Anchorage, Alaska
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' '
Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' '
Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
An orgasm is when a woman is sexually happy and she shows it. Sometimes many times. A climax is when her toes curl up so hard they cramp, her pussy grips you like a set of Craftsman lock grips, and she stuffs a pillow in her mouth to keep the people at the mall five miles away from hearing her joy!
-
DrDave47
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2883
- Joined: January 2nd, 2015, 12:08 am
- Location: South of Anchorage, Alaska
This is for all of you that have had the joy of trying to line up the car and the boat trailer, and get down the ramp in a straight line.....
OK that seems to work pretty well.
DrDave
OK that seems to work pretty well.
DrDave
An orgasm is when a woman is sexually happy and she shows it. Sometimes many times. A climax is when her toes curl up so hard they cramp, her pussy grips you like a set of Craftsman lock grips, and she stuffs a pillow in her mouth to keep the people at the mall five miles away from hearing her joy!
I used to love watching the Red Green show, DrDave47. Thanks for that bit of nostalgia.
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
-
DrDave47
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2883
- Joined: January 2nd, 2015, 12:08 am
- Location: South of Anchorage, Alaska
K A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window (On
an airplane!).
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me
with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly
explained:
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His
response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain
that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN
state!''
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But
they look so close on the map'' (OMG!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was
an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time
zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage
belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is
(FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination
tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from
Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what
exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is
823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola
, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I
asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said,
''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what
flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ‘'The
man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' the reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was
a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
* YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
*Keep this in mind, come November and your ready to choose your next leader.....uhhh
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window (On
an airplane!).
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me
with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly
explained:
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His
response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain
that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN
state!''
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But
they look so close on the map'' (OMG!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was
an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time
zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage
belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is
(FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination
tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from
Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what
exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is
823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola
, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I
asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said,
''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what
flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ‘'The
man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' the reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was
a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
* YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
*Keep this in mind, come November and your ready to choose your next leader.....uhhh
An orgasm is when a woman is sexually happy and she shows it. Sometimes many times. A climax is when her toes curl up so hard they cramp, her pussy grips you like a set of Craftsman lock grips, and she stuffs a pillow in her mouth to keep the people at the mall five miles away from hearing her joy!
Coming out to your parents
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and finds his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother makes no reply, and the guy is about to repeat it, when she turns to him and says calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
Nervously, the guy says, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."
His mother goesback to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirls around and whacks him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and finds his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother makes no reply, and the guy is about to repeat it, when she turns to him and says calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
Nervously, the guy says, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."
His mother goesback to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirls around and whacks him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
-
stickyvicky
- Commander in briefs
- Posts: 26473
- Joined: March 25th, 2005, 8:41 am
- Location: Southwest Florida
- Contact:
I have to tell that joke to all my gay friends...
Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.
Sext with me & VNA Girls on Loyal Fans!
Julia - Samantha - Maxine - Cleo - Jelena - Sara - Maggie - Deauxma - ShandaFay -Siri - Rachel Storms
www.Twitter.com/vickyvette
www.Instagram.com/vickyvette
www.LoyalFans.com/vickyvette
www.Onlyfans.com/vickyvette
Shamelessly stolen from Reddit...
.
When I saw a guy in a wheelchair making off with my camouflage jacket I yelled after him, "You can hide, but you can't run!"
.
If a blind girl tells you that you have a huge penis, she's probably just pulling your leg.
.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
.
When I saw a guy in a wheelchair making off with my camouflage jacket I yelled after him, "You can hide, but you can't run!"
.
If a blind girl tells you that you have a huge penis, she's probably just pulling your leg.
.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
after being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly.... then said "I think you're an A,B,C,D,E,F, G,,H,I,J,K". She asks "what does that mean?". He said, Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely. What about I,J,K?".
He said " I'm Just Kidding!".
...His left eye is still swollen...but the doctor has informed him that he is likely to see things much more clearly in the future.
He said " I'm Just Kidding!".
...His left eye is still swollen...but the doctor has informed him that he is likely to see things much more clearly in the future.
from Rod Serling's "Time Enough" my all time fav Serling Twilight Zone teleplay
-
DrDave47
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2883
- Joined: January 2nd, 2015, 12:08 am
- Location: South of Anchorage, Alaska
The Genie
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it a few times, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So, you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, I'm sorry, I just can't can't do that. Think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, the man said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying, and what they really mean when I ask them what's wrong and they say "nothing". Basically, I need to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie scratched his head a moment, and said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?
Smart Genie!
DrDave
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it a few times, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So, you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, I'm sorry, I just can't can't do that. Think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, the man said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying, and what they really mean when I ask them what's wrong and they say "nothing". Basically, I need to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie scratched his head a moment, and said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?
Smart Genie!
DrDave
An orgasm is when a woman is sexually happy and she shows it. Sometimes many times. A climax is when her toes curl up so hard they cramp, her pussy grips you like a set of Craftsman lock grips, and she stuffs a pillow in her mouth to keep the people at the mall five miles away from hearing her joy!
Yesterday, a feminist friend asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Porn Convention Alert! Members going to New Jersey Exxxxotica! Please be on the lookout for these two women. They will flirt with you, talk sexy, get you excited, then take you to a secluded corner and promise to perform sex acts on you.
Do not be fooled! After you drop your pants they will reach around and steal your wallet, without you even knowing it. Then they will jump up and run off and you can't chase them, because your pants are around your ankles. It happened to me at Exxxotica in Chicago.
I had my wallet stolen on Friday. Then on Saturday, they got three more of my brand new wallets, and Sunday they got away with two more.
- facebook 1.jpg (66.03 KiB) Viewed 30 times
I had my wallet stolen on Friday. Then on Saturday, they got three more of my brand new wallets, and Sunday they got away with two more.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I asked the nice sales lade in Barnes and Noble if they had the new self help book for men with small penises.
She said, "Ummm.... I don't think it's in yet."
I said, "Yes, that's the one!"
She said, "Ummm.... I don't think it's in yet."
I said, "Yes, that's the one!"
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
-
- Free VNA Live Camshows
