Joke Thread

[PeterL22]

Two quickies today

Why is it that a woman looks down when you say "I love you!"?

To see if you really mean it




What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?


"Between the two of us we can make a lot of money!"

[PeterL22]

In honour of Vicky's show later (and not saying anything about her) here are a few blonde jokes

Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to the second "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher!"
Second blonde replies " Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth"

Two blondes were walking down the street and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with only one eye!"
Second blonde covers one eye and says "Where?"

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend next door had a room the same size which she had recently wallpapered. "Buffy" she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Buffy
So the first blonde bought ten rolls of wallpaper and did the room. When she finished she had two rolls left over.
She asked her friend "Buffy, I bought ten rolls of paper and did the room and I've got two rolls left!"
"Yes" said Buffy "so did I"

Blonde interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked. "if you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly replied "The living one!"

[PeterL22]

VANITY THY NAME IS WOMAN

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to a private hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.... seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said "No, you have another 40yrs 2months and 8 days to live"
Since she had so much time left to live, she thought she might as well make the most of it> So, on recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, boob enhancement, tummy tuck and liposuction. She even had a stylist come in and colour and style her hair!

After the final procedure, she was released from hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was knocked down and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in Heaven in front of God she demanded "I thought you said I had another 40 years left?"



God replied "Sorry, I didn't recognise you!"

[mikesline]

What do you call a mentally disturbed oriental person ?

someching wong.

[rokkerr]

What do you call a mentally disturbed oriental person ?

someching wong.

Vicky Vette told me that joke yesterday because of you....

[PeterL22]

City Slickers beware!

Farmer Pete lived on a quiet rural road, but as time passed the traffic slowly built up.It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens started getting run over at a rate of three a day.
So one day Farmer Pete called the Sherriff's office and said "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens!"
"What do you want me to do?" asked the Sherriff.
"I don't really care. Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
so the next day he had the county workers put up a sign that said " SLOW - School Crossing"

Three days later, Farmer Pete called the Sherriff and said "You really gotta do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go even faster".
So again, The Sherriff sends out the county workers to put up a new sign - "SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY"

Things got even worse so Farmer Pete called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the Sherriff - " can I put up my own sign, please?"
The Sherriff agreed as he was going to let Farmer Pete do anything to stop the daily phone calls!

No more calls from Farmer Pete so after three weeks the Sherriff got curious and he had to ask Farmer Pete what was going on - "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up a sign?"

"Yep, I sure did!None of my chickens has been killed since then, and I have to go because I'm really busy!"

the Sherriff was really curious now, and thought , "I better go out there and take a look at that sign, it might be something WE cause to slow drivers down."

So the Sherriff drove down to Farmer Pete's house and his jaw dropped when he saw the sign spray-painted on a sheet of wood :-

NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS


I would like to dedicate this one to Vicky and ALL the VNA girls who would bring the road to a standstill!!

[WalterB]

(Thanks to Jemma, and I edited it a bit, heehee.)

Vicky dropped her black dress off at the cleaners. As she turned to leave, the counter girl said, "Come again."

Vicky said, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosy bitch."

[stickyvicky]

[PeterL22]

Fot the older members of our community -(You cab try it too Vicky!)
Here's a riddle!

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed,
On your right side is a steep drop-off,
On your left side is an angry elephant travelling at the same speed as you,
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it!
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
How do you escape this really dangerous situation?






Get off the merry-go-round and go home you daft idiot!!!

[sugerdaddy]

Where do you get these crazy jokes PeterL22?

[PeterL22]

I just find them in the local rubbish bins - probably where they belong!

Moral question now -
A wife is sleeping in the middle of the night, when she suddenly shouts out "Get up quickly my husband is back!"

The man gets out of bed , jumps out of the bedroom window, hurts himself and then realises "Damn I AM the husband"


OK - So who's the guilty party here??

[PeterL22]

Today an homage to our gorgeous leader!

A young single man is on a cruise ship having the time of his life. Unfortunately, on the third day of the cruise, the ship hits an iceberg and begins to sink. Everyone around him are screaming and drowning, but the man manages to grab hold of a piece of driftwood and stay afloat.
Using every ounce of strength he has, he manages to swim a few miles through shark infested water to a remote desert island.
Sprawled out on the sandy beach, nearly passed out with exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a beautiful blonde woman lying near him, unconscious and barely breathing.She has also been washed up on the shore from the sinking ship. He gets over to her and using mouth to mouth manages to get her to start breathing again.She looks up at him with grateful big blue eyes (recognise who it is yet?) and says "My God, you saved my like!"

He suddenly realises the woman is Vicky Vette!!
Days and weeks go by on the island. Vicky and our man are living on the island together. They have set up a shelter, there's fruit on the trees and they're in heaven. Vicky has fallen madly in love with the man who saved her and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night!

Alas, one day she notices he's looking a little glum. "What's the matter sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in love with you. Is there anything I can do to make it better? Is there something wrong?"
He says "Actually Vicky there is something you can do for me. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "anything if it would help"
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my trousers,please"
"Sure, honey,if its going to help you feel better."
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" the guy asks.
"Whatever you want baby" she says, and does what he asks.
Then he asks "Would you start walking around the edge of the island,please?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island and he sets off in the opposite direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes over to Vicky, grabs her by the shoulders and says ..........





"Dude! You'll never guess who I'm sleeping with!!"




Based on an original dream I have every other night!

[WalterB]

Guy comes thru my register. I tell him "Have a nice day, sir."

He walks outside and gets hit by a truck.

I run outside and kneel beside him. "What the fuck did I just tell you?"

[PeterL22]

Some people just don't listen!

For those not in the room waiting for Cleo last evening - its an old Eric Morecambe joke


Walt and DrD were out sitting in their deck chairs enjoying the sun

Walt says to DrD - "Its nice out today!"

DrD replies ....... "Yes, but you'd better put it away cos here comes a cop!"

[PeterL22]

Camel joke I hear you ask - you got it!

A Captain in the French Foreign Legion was posted to a desert outpost miles from anywhere. On his tour of inspection he saw a very old, very seedy looking cancel tied up behind one of the enlisted mens' barracks.

He asked his sergeant leading his tour of inspection - "What's the camel for?"
The sergeant replied " Well sir, We're a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do we have the camel."
The Captain said - "Well if it keeps the men's morale up, I reckon its fine by me!"

After six months had passed, the Captain could take it no longer - "BRING IN THE CAMEL"

The sergeant shrugged and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a stool, climbed up behind the camel and proceeded to have vigorous sex with it. Finally, satisfied, he stepped down from the stool and was doing his trousers up when he asked "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"


The sergeant replied slowly ......................


"Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town!"

[PeterL22]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father they want to get married. After talking to the young man for a while, the father tells his daughter that she can't marry him because he is her half brother. The same scenario is repeated four times over the next few months!
The girl starts to get upset and angry. She goes to her mother and says, "Mom... What have you being doing all your life? Dad's been going around screwing all the women in town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they are all my half brothers!"

Her mother replies "Oh, don't worry darling, you can marry any of them you want. He isn't really your dad!"




Quick question - How do you keep an idiot in suspense?





I'll tell you tomorrow -

[PeterL22]

Kids eh don't you just love them?

A little boy needed to pee in the middle of the night.As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeps in through the door and watches for a moment. He then carries on his way, saying to himself ........

"And SHE gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!"



Penis joke of the week
A man has a huge penis, but unfortunately he also has a terrible stutter, so could never get a girlfriend.
One day he went to Dr Dave and asked if anything could be done about the stutter. Dr Dave replied that he could help, but that he would have to remove his penis to cure the problem.
Eventually, the man agreed and the penis was removed (cross legs here guys) . Following the operation he was a smooth talker, but still couldn't get laid because he had no penis.
So he went back to Dr Dave and asks for his penis back, because he obviously has a better chance with the ladies with a stutter rather than no penis.


Dr Dave replies .............
"S-s-s-orry s-s-sir, b-b-b-but I c-c-c-can't do th-th-that."

[PeterL22]

Apologies if this is a repeat - all Vicky's fault she reminded me of it

Two cannibals eating a clown,


One says to the other, "Does this meat taste funny to you?"

[PeterL22]

Who likes Muppets - quick riddle

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70 aloud?


Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69!


And true fact for the weekend.......
Guys think that the larger a woman's breasts, the less intelligent she is. Truth is, the larger a woman's breasts are the less intelligent men become!

[PeterL22]

For music and film lovers ..........
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked to when and where he could see the completed picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn movie and it was due out in one month.
A month later, the musician went to the local porno theatre to see it. He put his collar up and with dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row next to a couple who also seemed shifty and to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he imagined, with group sex,BDSM and even a dog!
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here for the music!"
"Yeah" the man replied "I'm only here to watch our dog!"