Joke Thread

[WalterB]

[PeterL22]

Today's offerings :-

A woman went to Dr Dave for advice. She told hime that her husband had developed a liking for anal sex, and she was a bit concerned about it.
Dr Dave asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
"Does it hurt you?". She said no.
Dr Dave then told her "Well then, There's no reason that you shouldn't enjoy anal sex with your husband, if that's what you both like. But whatever you do don't get pregnant!"
The woman was mystified and asked "Can you get pregnant from anal sex Doctor?"
Dr Dave replied "Of course you can! Where do you think lawyers come from?!?"

Vicky, are mice giving you trouble?
No?
Thought not! Proves you have a great pussy!!!




Blonde walks into a bar (a booze joke) and the barman asks her what she would like to drink. She replies "Bring me a beer please?"
The Barman asks "Anheuser Busch?" (you may need to say that aloud)
To which she answers "Great thanks, and how's your cock?"

[George B]

A farmer buys a young rooster at the market. As soon as he gets it home to the farm, the rooster proceeds to fuck all the farmers hens, which impresses the farmer. The next day it goes after the farmers ducks, and the following day, it fucks all the geese.

On the fourth day the farmer finds the young cock lying on the ground, half-dead, with vultures circling around overhead.

"You deserved it you horny bastard!" says the farmer, but then the rooster opens one eye, points to the sky and says "Shhhhh, they're about to land."

[PeterL22]

Dr dave walked into the bank. He was preparing to endorse a cheque and pulled out a rectal thermometer and tried to write with it!
He realised his mistake, looked at the thermometer in annoyance and exclaimed
"Well, that's just great ! Some asshole has got my pen!"

Why don't men fake orgasms?
Well ladies, would you pull those faces deliberately?!?

Pastor : "Now Walt, do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
Little Walt "Sure, back of the church yard!"

So the company who make Viagra have developed a new pill for women that increases vaginal wetness!
Its being marketed under the name - Niagara!!

God asked women "Did I make any mistakes in designing men?"
Vicky replied "Generally they're OK. It would have been nicer if the Joystick meant for us was detachable!"

[PeterL22]

for you sad people who still bother to read this!

Guy goes into hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the anaesthetic, he's a little concerned to see several doctors standing around his bed.
"Sir, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident , and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasps the man. "You mean that I'll never experience another erection?!?"
"Well you might," replies the surgeon, "Just not your own!"

What's female viagra?
Jewellery!

A husband and wife bought condoms with different flavours and decide to play a game.
He said "Darling, we'll turn off the lights, I'll put one on and you guess the flavour".
As soon as he turns the light off, she takes him in her mouth and says "Gorgonzola!"
"Wait a minute, I haven't put it on yet!"

[PeterL22]

I'll stop if Vicky pays the ransom!

Walt went into see Dr Dave and asked "Dr D do you think I can live for another 40 years?"
"Do you drink?" - "No"
'Do you smoke?" - "No"
'Do you chase after loose women?" - "No"
Sadly, Dr Dvave shook his head and said "Why on earth do you want to live another 40 years?"

OK riddle time :-
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.
One is sucking hers, one is biting hers and one is licking hers.
Which one is married?



The one with the wedding ring you pervert!



OK chaps - these days everything is becoming minitiarised , getting smaller - cars, watches, mobile phones and even skirts (hoorah).

When the time comes for small penises to be in style,
I"M THE MAN!

[PeterL22]

How can you tell the head nurse?

She's the one with scuffed knees!


Wisdom for men - Chinese proverb
"Always marry woman with small hands. Makes cock look bigger!"

Another hospital joke
Two nurses were discussing Dr Dave
1st Nurse "He dresses very smartly!"
2nd Nurse "And very quickly too!"

Once upon a time I was making love with this beautiful girl and she started crying!
I asked - "Will you hate yourself in the morning?"
She replied "No, I hate myself now!"

[PeterL22]

A man and a woman are in a lift (elevator)
The man looks at the woman and asks "Can I smell your pussy?"
Offended the woman replies "God no way!"
To which the man replies "you must have sweaty feet then."

Here is one for my Alaskan friend - you know who you are!

A man was driving down an Alaskan road when his car suddenly broke down. Luckily he had his mobile so called the local garage.
The mechanic arrived in his tow-truck and looked inside the bonnet.
After a while he said "It looks like you have blown a seal."
The Alaskan replied "No its just the frost on my moustache!"

Guy goes in to see Dr Dave.
Man "You gotta help me Dr Dave. Every night my wife goes down to Tom's bar and sleeps with anyone who asks her!"
Dr Dave "OK, Take a deep breath and calm down. Tell me - where exactly is Tom's bar?"

[PeterL22]

Define Egghead?

What Mrs Dumpty does for Humpty

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless

What do lawyers use for contraception?
Their personalities!

Finally another musical one
What is better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ!

[PeterL22]

For those who missed Adrian Morgan's show last week another musical one
What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Throwing a banjo into a skip (and hitting an accordion)!


What is the insensitive bit at the base of a penis called??

The man!


One for Vicky!
It's Breast Awareness Week
Spread the slogan chaps - "We stare because we care!"


Woman buys a beautiful transparent nightie and wears it for her husband.
Husband "You are so very beautiful in that sexy transparent nightie my love!"
Wife " Yes that's what the salmon said this afternoon!"


What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Don't know why you're shaking - she's going to eat me!"

[PeterL22]

Anyone for a blonde joke?

A guy gets a date with a blonde. To prepare himself for the evening, he goes up on his roof to sunbathe in the nude. He falls asleep and unfortunately his dick gets sunburnt!. He doesn't want to cancel the date - because he knows he's onto a sure thing - so he applies loads of cream and carefully wraps it in gauze.
The blonde arrives at his house and he treats her to a home cooked steak dinner.Afterwards they sit in the living room to watch a movie. Things are going great but he starts to feel sore again, so he excuses himself and goes into the kitchen. He goes to the fridge and gets an ice cold glass of milk into which he immerses his dick to obtain immediate relief.
As he was gone for a while the blonde wondered what he was up to in the kitchen so went through to see, and there she finds him complete with milk and penis!
Before he can utter a word she blurts out "So that's how you guys load those things!"


One afternoon a rich guy was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the side of the road. He told his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of the men. "We don't have money for food", the poor guy replied.
"Oh, come with me then" the rich guy said. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"That's fine, bring them along too!. You can come too." He said to the second man. "Bur, sir, I have a wife and six children!" to which the rich guy "Bring them too - the more the merrier!"
By now the limousine was getting a bit crowded and one of the poor men started to express his gratitude. "Thank you for taking all of us with you!"
The rich man replied "Not at all! Thank You! The grass at my place must be three feet tall and I could use the help!"



What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged!!

[PeterL22]

You may need to think about this one

The most popular guy in a nudist colony (and there is one near me in Hampshire called "Sandy Balls" - which is a joke in itself) is the guy who can carry a coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts!

Why do guys give their penis a name?
Because they don't want a stranger making 95% of their decisions for them!

One for Dr Dave
A cardiologist died and according to his will he was buried in a heart shaped grave.
two of the mourners were falling about laughing at the grave side.
A guy went up to then and asked "Why are you laughing at the heart-shaped grave?"
One of the two said "Well I'm thinking about my own grave - I'm a Gynaecologist. And he's a proctologist!"

Quick kiddie joke
Little Walt "Mummy, what kind of bird brings white babies?" Mother "Why a stork, Walt"
Little Walt "mummy, what kind of bird brings black babies?" Mother "A raven, sweetie."
Little Walt "Mummy , what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"


Mother "A swallow!"

[hotjulie]

Walt is driving down the interstate when he sees a police car right behind him. He doesn't think about it and steps on the gas. Looking in the review mirror the cops right behind him, lights flashing. He thinks "what the hell am I doing" and pulls over. The cop says to him "it's been a long day and I'm off in 1/2 an hour, if you can give me a reason for that, that I've never heard, I'll let you go." Walt thinks for a minute and says "Two years ago my wife left me for a cop, and I thought you were bring her back!"

[WalterB]

How'd you know, Julie? I've been waiting to post this. I was returning from Chicago last summer. Spent the night in Amarillo, then headed out in the morning. I passed this cop in the center median. After a bit, I noticed him behind me. He followed me for several miles. After I passed these two trucks, he pulled me over. His "reason" was that I was following too close, waited too long to pull out for the trucks. I say the video proves otherwise.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, Julie

It's a 15 minute clip and I don't pass the cop until 6:19. So feel free to move ahead to that point if you wish. He pulled me over at 11:20 (6:58:35 on the camera time hack.) Then there's some audio when he comes up to my window. (12:05/6:59:15)

I think these cams are great. You can easily find "car crash" clips on YouTube taken with dash cams. Recently I recorded a crash that happened right beside me. It showed that the person next to me had the right of way and the green light, so I provided it to her lawyer.

[PeterL22]

A couple had been marries for a number of years and one day the wife started to quiz her husband, "I know you have been with a lot of women before. How many were there?"
The husband quietly replied "Yep there were quite a few, but I don't want to upset you."Just leave it alone!"
The wife kept on pleading and asking all day.
Eventually the husband gave in "OK, let's see. There was - one, two, three, four, five, YOU, six , seven and eight!"


Why do men get circumcised?
Cos women really go for anything with 20% off!

Medical fact - 90% of women have their left breast bigger than their right. Why?
Because 90% of guys are right-handed.

With apologies to Miss Vette!
A blonde was asked one day "are you sexually active?'
Her reply - "No I just lie there!"

Toodle pip for today

[catalina2]

DCzShTJV0AAuO9a.jpg (40.86 KiB) Viewed 9 times

[PeterL22]

I blame my mother for my lousy sex life. All she would say to me was "the man goes on top and the woman goes underneath".
Now I know a bit more I'm gonna get rid of those bunk beds!

An elderly couple in their eighties (go with me here), decided to try for a baby. They visit the doctor, who asks the old guy to produce a sperm sample in a bottle the doctor provides.
After a fortnight, the couple return to the doctor with the bottle which is empty!
"What's the problem?" asks the medic
"Well," says the old man, "first I tried it with my right hand, then my left - no luck. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left - still no luck. Then she tried it with her teeth in, then her teeth out, but we still can't get the lid of the bloody bottle!"

Ladies, why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait for an hour for seconds!

Final one, Henna and Walt look away now!
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Just the one; but it takes a whole Emergeny Dept to get it out!

[PeterL22]

Straight into it today

Wife "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?"
Husband "Because I don't want to wake you!"


A man checked into a hotel and was given a room next to one occupied by a couple on their honeymoon.
The walls were very thin, and the animal sounds of prolonged sexual frenzy poured through. Eventually at about 4AM the man could take it no longer!
He pounded on the wall yelling" Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep here!"
From the room next door came a weak faltering male voice which said "Please shout louder, mister, she can't hear you!"

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisionist?
He got the sack!

Finally
What's the definition of a vagina?








The box a penis comes in

[WalterB]

Story of my life:

Walt: Oh, Crap, Looks like I'm the victim of Identity theft.
Vicky: Oh, please. Whose life is so pathetic, they'd want to be you.

Or, how about this?

Julie: Oh, Crap, Looks like I'm the victim of Identity theft.
Walt: Oh, please. Whose life is so pathetic, they'd want to be you.

[WalterB]

One of our VNA ladies recently posted a Blog about her new pet and how cool it is. now, while I would never criticize someone's choice of pet, or really, criticize an animal, I like bacon, and suddenly feel justified, lol.

M*A*S*H: While Co Potter is in Tokyo, a group of Korean kids come to the 4077th. The doctors are giving them Tetanus inoculations, but they're all allergic, and the doctorsrs can't figure out why.

When Col Potter, a horse lover, returns, he explains: "The only meat these folks get is horse meat. It sensitizes the whole system. You're using horse serum, aren't you? They're allergic to it."

He then follows with, "It's a tragedy that people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating them."