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Joke Thread
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
A couple of lawyer jokes
Why do they bury lawyers 20 ft deep?
Cos deep down they are really nice people!
What's the difference between a lawyer on a moped and a vacuum cleaner?
With the vacuum cleaner the dirt-bag is on the inside.
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius
A woman goes into Dr Dave complaining that her husband is 300% impotent!
Dr Dave says "I'm not sure what you mean, please explain?!"
She replies "Well the first 100% is obvious; but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped up!
Why is oral sex like being in the army?
Because the closer to discharge you get, the better you feel!
Why do they bury lawyers 20 ft deep?
Cos deep down they are really nice people!
What's the difference between a lawyer on a moped and a vacuum cleaner?
With the vacuum cleaner the dirt-bag is on the inside.
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius
A woman goes into Dr Dave complaining that her husband is 300% impotent!
Dr Dave says "I'm not sure what you mean, please explain?!"
She replies "Well the first 100% is obvious; but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped up!
Why is oral sex like being in the army?
Because the closer to discharge you get, the better you feel!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
What goes in hard and comes out soft?
You depraved lot - the answer is bubble gum!
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance for town doing what comes naturally when the woman stops the guy.
"I really should have told you earlier, but actually I'm a working girl and I charge $50 dollars for sex"
The guy reluctantly handed over $50 and they carried on. Afterwards and after a cigarette, the guy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"why aren't we going back?" asked the woman.
"Well, I should have told you earlier, but actually I'm a cab driver and the fare back to town is $55!"
A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and shouts "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
A little old man at the back of the room calls out "An elephant!"
"Close enough!"
You depraved lot - the answer is bubble gum!
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance for town doing what comes naturally when the woman stops the guy.
"I really should have told you earlier, but actually I'm a working girl and I charge $50 dollars for sex"
The guy reluctantly handed over $50 and they carried on. Afterwards and after a cigarette, the guy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"why aren't we going back?" asked the woman.
"Well, I should have told you earlier, but actually I'm a cab driver and the fare back to town is $55!"
A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and shouts "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
A little old man at the back of the room calls out "An elephant!"
"Close enough!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Ladies do you realise that for a guy, his friends are like his balls?
Very close to him, constantly at hand and always hanging around seemingly doing nothing, but without them he's just not a complete man!
There was a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning - use rear entrance".
Not sure if that's good advice!
Why is a laundrette (laundromat) a bad place to pick up women?
Women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you!
The chicken and egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a smile on its face, whilst the egg is frowning looking slightly frustrated.
The egg mutters "Well, I guess that answers one question!"
Very close to him, constantly at hand and always hanging around seemingly doing nothing, but without them he's just not a complete man!
There was a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning - use rear entrance".
Not sure if that's good advice!
Why is a laundrette (laundromat) a bad place to pick up women?
Women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you!
The chicken and egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a smile on its face, whilst the egg is frowning looking slightly frustrated.
The egg mutters "Well, I guess that answers one question!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Biblical one to start?
Women can be very suspicious about their husbands. Adam stayed out late a few nights running and Eve became upset!
"You're running round with other women !" she accused.
"That's unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman for me, heck you're the only woman on earth!"
The quarrel went on until, finally, Adam fell asleep, only to be woken up by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you are doing?" Adam demanded.
"Just counting your ribs!"
Think about this one
A couple had just got married and on their honeymoon night, just before they got down to passionate love-making, the wife said to the husband "Please be gentle with me, I'm a virgin!"
The husband was shocked "How can this be possible? You've been married three times before!"
The wife replies, "Well my first husband was a gynaecologist, so all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, so all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally my third husband was a stamp collector - God I miss him!"
Thought for the day ladies
We all know the bird of peace is the dove.
What's the bird of true love??
The swallow!
Women can be very suspicious about their husbands. Adam stayed out late a few nights running and Eve became upset!
"You're running round with other women !" she accused.
"That's unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman for me, heck you're the only woman on earth!"
The quarrel went on until, finally, Adam fell asleep, only to be woken up by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you are doing?" Adam demanded.
"Just counting your ribs!"
Think about this one
A couple had just got married and on their honeymoon night, just before they got down to passionate love-making, the wife said to the husband "Please be gentle with me, I'm a virgin!"
The husband was shocked "How can this be possible? You've been married three times before!"
The wife replies, "Well my first husband was a gynaecologist, so all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, so all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally my third husband was a stamp collector - God I miss him!"
Thought for the day ladies
We all know the bird of peace is the dove.
What's the bird of true love??
The swallow!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
What do you call 12 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!!
A man walks into a flower shop to buy some roses for his wife's birthday.
However, the guy behind the counter says, "I'm awfully sorry sir, this isn't a florist. It's a Male clinic specialising in circumcisions and vasectomies".
The husband was mystified "So what's with all the flowers in the window?"
Man behind counter " Well if you have a better suggestion for our window display......."
What's long, hard and has semen in it?
A submarine!
A scrotum pole!!
A man walks into a flower shop to buy some roses for his wife's birthday.
However, the guy behind the counter says, "I'm awfully sorry sir, this isn't a florist. It's a Male clinic specialising in circumcisions and vasectomies".
The husband was mystified "So what's with all the flowers in the window?"
Man behind counter " Well if you have a better suggestion for our window display......."
What's long, hard and has semen in it?
A submarine!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31461
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
In the original movie "The 300 Spartans," from 1962, There is a wife who, frustrated with her husband and a boarder, says, "Gods have more brains than men."
The husband says to the warrior with him, "Who can understand the way of Gods. They create lovely girls, then turn them into wives."
How many men today say that very thing,
The husband says to the warrior with him, "Who can understand the way of Gods. They create lovely girls, then turn them into wives."
How many men today say that very thing,
I can resist everything except temptation.
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
More of a dog person really - I truly believe that dogs are humans' pets but for cats its vice versa! It may just be that I associated with the stupider of the two species!
Today's offerings are as follows :-
Modern technology is wonderful!
Desk top - what you do with your secretary in the office
Lap top - what you do with your girlfriend at home
Palm top - what you do when you are on your own!
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain
Gross thought for the day!
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
I think I'll invite answers before I tell you - expecting one from you Ms Vette!
Today's offerings are as follows :-
Modern technology is wonderful!
Desk top - what you do with your secretary in the office
Lap top - what you do with your girlfriend at home
Palm top - what you do when you are on your own!
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain
Gross thought for the day!
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
I think I'll invite answers before I tell you - expecting one from you Ms Vette!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Apologies for break in service - here we go again
Young catholic guy asks a kind priest. "Father is it a sin to sleep with a girl?"
Priest "Well no my son, but the problem is you guys don't do much sleeping!"
A previously wealthy couple had run into hard times and were looking to save money.
Husband "well honey, if you learnt to iron we could do without the ironing lady."
Wife "Well if you learned how to make love properly, we could do without the gardener!"
Viagra is now available in a powder form to put into tea.
It does nothing to aid erections, but you can dunk your biscuits without them going soft!
And thought for the day
Happiness is like a penis - it always looks small if you hold it in your own hand. But when you learn how to share it, you realise how big it can grow!
Young catholic guy asks a kind priest. "Father is it a sin to sleep with a girl?"
Priest "Well no my son, but the problem is you guys don't do much sleeping!"
A previously wealthy couple had run into hard times and were looking to save money.
Husband "well honey, if you learnt to iron we could do without the ironing lady."
Wife "Well if you learned how to make love properly, we could do without the gardener!"
Viagra is now available in a powder form to put into tea.
It does nothing to aid erections, but you can dunk your biscuits without them going soft!
And thought for the day
Happiness is like a penis - it always looks small if you hold it in your own hand. But when you learn how to share it, you realise how big it can grow!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
A conspiracy theory joke!
How do we know the CIA had nothing to do with the assassination of JFK?
He died!
How to tell what a guy's like by his drink of choice
Domestic beer - He's poor and wants to get laid
Imported beer - He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine - He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey - He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.
White Zinfandel - He's gay and wants to get laid.
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for having sex!
How do we know the CIA had nothing to do with the assassination of JFK?
He died!
How to tell what a guy's like by his drink of choice
Domestic beer - He's poor and wants to get laid
Imported beer - He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine - He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey - He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.
White Zinfandel - He's gay and wants to get laid.
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for having sex!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Quick football joke for rokker and The Boy
What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Cinderella?
Cinderella gets to the ball!
Why did God create alcohol?
To give me a chance to have sex!
What should rokker do if Vicky starts smoking?
Slow down and use more lube
VNA joke for all the Privates
A blonde goes up to an Army Colonel at a party and asks "When was the last time you had sex?"
Colonel replies "Think it was 1957"
Blonde "Wow - would you like to have it now?"
Colonel glances at his watch and says "Not now, its only 20.14!"
What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Cinderella?
Cinderella gets to the ball!
Why did God create alcohol?
To give me a chance to have sex!
What should rokker do if Vicky starts smoking?
Slow down and use more lube
VNA joke for all the Privates
A blonde goes up to an Army Colonel at a party and asks "When was the last time you had sex?"
Colonel replies "Think it was 1957"
Blonde "Wow - would you like to have it now?"
Colonel glances at his watch and says "Not now, its only 20.14!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Hey, I've just found a great way to succeed with women!
I just tell them that I'm impotent.
They can't wait to prove me wrong!
What have an erection and The Theory of Relativity got in common?
Well, the longer you think about them the harder they get!
A man rushes into the toilets in a bar, hurries to the urinal, takes out his 12 inch penis and say with a deep sigh of relief " Phew, I only just made that!"
Walt , at the urinal next to him, looks over and says " Hmmm, could you make me one like that too?"
I just tell them that I'm impotent.
They can't wait to prove me wrong!
What have an erection and The Theory of Relativity got in common?
Well, the longer you think about them the harder they get!
A man rushes into the toilets in a bar, hurries to the urinal, takes out his 12 inch penis and say with a deep sigh of relief " Phew, I only just made that!"
Walt , at the urinal next to him, looks over and says " Hmmm, could you make me one like that too?"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hare!
One for Dr Dave....
What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
How many honest, caring, intelligent men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them
A pubic hare!
One for Dr Dave....
What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
How many honest, caring, intelligent men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Just found a new form of kinky sex with chocolate!
S & M & M !
Totally politically incorrect
What goes Click "Is that It?" Click "Is that it?" Click " Is that it?"
A blind man doing a Rubick's cube
Why don't Australian women blink during foreplay?
They don't have the time!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise 1 egg?
They don't stop for directions
S & M & M !
Totally politically incorrect
What goes Click "Is that It?" Click "Is that it?" Click " Is that it?"
A blind man doing a Rubick's cube
Why don't Australian women blink during foreplay?
They don't have the time!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise 1 egg?
They don't stop for directions
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
What is the difference between an escort and a porn star?
How it's spelt!
The only joke I can remember! lol
How it's spelt!
The only joke I can remember! lol
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Ut's quality not quantity that counts Henna!
The day before his wedding the young guy got a text from his father. It read "Son, you will remember this day for the rest of your life!"
He was puzzled so replied "But I'm getting married tomorrow."
His father sent one more text to him "Son, I know what day it is today!"
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
(No Dr Dave - the answer isn't George)
A Doyouthinkhesaurus!
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One , but the lightbulb has really got to want to change!
What goes in hard and comes out soft?
You perverts - the answer is chewing gum!
The day before his wedding the young guy got a text from his father. It read "Son, you will remember this day for the rest of your life!"
He was puzzled so replied "But I'm getting married tomorrow."
His father sent one more text to him "Son, I know what day it is today!"
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
(No Dr Dave - the answer isn't George)
A Doyouthinkhesaurus!
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One , but the lightbulb has really got to want to change!
What goes in hard and comes out soft?
You perverts - the answer is chewing gum!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
They have just invented a new morning after pill for men!
It works by changing your blood group!
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being
Vicky was filling out her job application
Under special qualifications she wrote - "I am flexible enough to perform in all positions"
Woman goes in to see Dr Dave
She says "You gotta help me Dr Dave, I think I might be a nymphomaniac!"
Dr Dave replies "I'll see what I can do to help you. My hourly rate is $80"
She thinks for a second and says "How much for all night?"
It works by changing your blood group!
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being
Vicky was filling out her job application
Under special qualifications she wrote - "I am flexible enough to perform in all positions"
Woman goes in to see Dr Dave
She says "You gotta help me Dr Dave, I think I might be a nymphomaniac!"
Dr Dave replies "I'll see what I can do to help you. My hourly rate is $80"
She thinks for a second and says "How much for all night?"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
Mike is taken to a hospital in Calgary, the doctor goes to talk his family and friends. He tells them Mike needs a brain transplant a male brain is $500,000 and a female brain is $200,000. Connie asks "What's the difference?" The doctor says "there's no difference at all, just the male brain hasn't been used!"
I told that to the guys in the gym, they all laughed 3 times, first when I told it, next after I explained it, and then again when they caught on.
I told that to the guys in the gym, they all laughed 3 times, first when I told it, next after I explained it, and then again when they caught on.
Julie, Lady on the streets; freak in the sheets
Some of the best cowboys, are Cowgirls!!
Some of the best cowboys, are Cowgirls!!
- PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Why don't Grizzlies wear shoes?
Cos they've got bear feet!!
A man sees a sign in the garden of a house "TALKING DOG FOR SALE".
Intrigued he goes up to the front door and rings the bell. The owner appears and says that the dog is in the back garden if the man wants to see him.
In the back garden is a really nice Labrador-Retriever sitting quietly.
The man goes up to the dog and says "OK, do you really talk?"
"Yes" says the dog "I do"
After the initial shock wears off the man asks, "So tell me your story then."
The Labrador looks up at him and says,"Well, I realised I could talk as a puppy, and I wanted to help my country so I told the authorities and was sent to help the SAS"
"In no time at all the had me jetting around the world form country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no-one would believe that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was their most valuable information gatherer for years!"
"But as I got older all the travelling made me really tired, so I decided to settle down and I went to work at Heathrow airport.I did undercover security work and wandered around going up to suspicious people and listening in. I uncovered several major drug smuggling deals and was given several medals."
"Then I met a bitch, had puppies and now I'm retired."
The man is amazed and decides to buy the dog. He goes back to the house and asks the guy there how much for this remarkable talking dog.
The owner replies "£10"
"What. just £10 for this amazing talking dog? Why are you selling him so cheaply? What's the catch?"
"Because he's a lying swine. He's never left my back garden!"
A lawyer, who was married with 12 children, needed to move home, because his lease was being terminated by his landlord who wanted his property back.
The lawyer was having lots of trouble finding a new home, because when he said he had 12 children, no-one wanted to rent him a property because they were worried the kids would trash it.
He couldn't say he had no children - because he was a lawyer and had to be truthful (stretching imagination here)!
So he sent his wife and 11 of the kids off for a walk in the local cemetery.
The remaining child went with him to a local letting agent.
He found a great house that he liked and the rent was just right!
The agent asked "So, how many children do you have?"
The lawyer replied "12". The agent asked "Where are the others then?"
The lawyer with his best court room face said "They're in the cemetery with their mother"
MORAL - You don't have to lie; you just have to choose the right words to say! (and remember most politicians are trained as lawyers!)
Cos they've got bear feet!!
A man sees a sign in the garden of a house "TALKING DOG FOR SALE".
Intrigued he goes up to the front door and rings the bell. The owner appears and says that the dog is in the back garden if the man wants to see him.
In the back garden is a really nice Labrador-Retriever sitting quietly.
The man goes up to the dog and says "OK, do you really talk?"
"Yes" says the dog "I do"
After the initial shock wears off the man asks, "So tell me your story then."
The Labrador looks up at him and says,"Well, I realised I could talk as a puppy, and I wanted to help my country so I told the authorities and was sent to help the SAS"
"In no time at all the had me jetting around the world form country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no-one would believe that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was their most valuable information gatherer for years!"
"But as I got older all the travelling made me really tired, so I decided to settle down and I went to work at Heathrow airport.I did undercover security work and wandered around going up to suspicious people and listening in. I uncovered several major drug smuggling deals and was given several medals."
"Then I met a bitch, had puppies and now I'm retired."
The man is amazed and decides to buy the dog. He goes back to the house and asks the guy there how much for this remarkable talking dog.
The owner replies "£10"
"What. just £10 for this amazing talking dog? Why are you selling him so cheaply? What's the catch?"
"Because he's a lying swine. He's never left my back garden!"
A lawyer, who was married with 12 children, needed to move home, because his lease was being terminated by his landlord who wanted his property back.
The lawyer was having lots of trouble finding a new home, because when he said he had 12 children, no-one wanted to rent him a property because they were worried the kids would trash it.
He couldn't say he had no children - because he was a lawyer and had to be truthful (stretching imagination here)!
So he sent his wife and 11 of the kids off for a walk in the local cemetery.
The remaining child went with him to a local letting agent.
He found a great house that he liked and the rent was just right!
The agent asked "So, how many children do you have?"
The lawyer replied "12". The agent asked "Where are the others then?"
The lawyer with his best court room face said "They're in the cemetery with their mother"
MORAL - You don't have to lie; you just have to choose the right words to say! (and remember most politicians are trained as lawyers!)
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley