Joke Thread

[PeterL22]

Penguin of the day - dedicated to Henna (Cos I think she'll like it)
Which member of the family is a penguin's favourite?
Aunt Artica !!

Political joke
It's difficult to understand how the USA ran out of oil, but the answer's simple.
Nobody bothered to check the oil- the reason is geographical.
Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma.
But where are all the dipsticks? Washington DC!!


Southern Ladies have a great way of talking.
Two elderly southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old time.
One says to the other "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

[hennar2017]

LOL PeterL those are good ones. Wonder if our memories will get like that?

[PeterL22]

Henna - I have Craft moments all the time (Can't Remember A F%cking Thing). How many times a day do I go upstairs and wonder why I went?

When my case came up I pleaded the following defence
"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs, except over the phone to ladies I don't know!"

Sick joke of the day - waiting for complaints already!
Can YOU afford just $5?
Timmy is a nine year old boy living in Detroit. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal.
If you can send us just $5 , we will send you a link to the video - its absolutely hilarious.

Penguin of the day

What do Penguins get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids!

[hennar2017]

Elephant joke.
Why can't an elephant travel to other countries?

Because he doesn't know how to pack a trunk.

[WalterB]

.
Why doe an elephant even have a trunk?


Because sometimes a suitcase just won't do. (Thanks, Penny.)

[hennar2017]

Why is Mabel so beautiful?
Because she looks like Walt!

[WalterB]

So, you like my Sweetie, huh?

Mabel.jpg (48.31 KiB) Viewed 41 times

[PeterL22]

How do penguins get around?
On a b-icicle

Sick (really sick) joke of the day.
Two brothers were sitting in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. The older brother asks the younger "What did you get?"
"I got a video game, a mountain bike, four model cars, ten action figures and loads of cool new clothes! What did you get ?
"I got a pair of socks and a Spiderman doll." Laughing the younger brother asks "Is that all?"
"Well yeah, but I don't have leukaemia!"


Ladies, how do you know the honeymoon is finally over?
When he stops smiling as he scrapes the burnt toast!

[PeterL22]

What do you call 500 penguins in Trafalgar Square?
Lost!

The Vettes were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had had Senators and Wall St wizards, Captains of industry.
Vicky decided to compile a family tree and history for future generations.She haired a top genealogist . One problem arose.
How to deal with great-uncle Walter, who was executed in the electric chair!. The researcher decided there was a way to do it tactfully.
The book appeared with the following entry :-
"Great-uncle Walter occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

On a similar note, What's the definition of sadism?
Putting a pin on an electric chair!

Did you know the difference between pornography and erotica?
Lighting!

[hennar2017]

Oh my gosh PeterL, where do you come up with all these jokes? If you are making them up yourself you should write a book!

[PeterL22]

Oh my gosh PeterL, where do you come up with all these jokes? If you are making them up yourself you should write a book!

A lot of people say I'm a joke!

[PeterL22]

Did you know that the VNA is about to market a new line in condoms? It's called the "Stealth" condom and its advertising slogan is "They won't see you coming!"

Why don't women blink during foreplay
They don't have time!


When she got married, Vicky had a little too much to drink at the reception but was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all the presents they had brought (polite as ever).
She managed to stumble her way through a short speech, then slowly turned around to point at the presents on display which included a coffee percolator.
"And finally!", she said, "I would like to thank my new parents-in-law for giving such a beautiful perky copulator!"

Woman - What is a good time for sex Dr Dave?
Dr Dave - In the afternoon between 2 to 4.
Woman - Why's that?
Dr Dave - Because that's when the receptionist has her break!


To finish,
Why was the penguin so popular?
Because he was such a nice guy!

[PeterL22]

What do you call a happy penguin?
Pen-grin!
Now that's out of the way, we shall continue........

Hints that your online relationship isn't working out quite as you hoped.....\1/ You can barely make out your S.L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
2/ Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant
3/ Her address has suddenly changed to comingout@lesbian.com
4/In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affections is actually a curvaceous 19yr old, rather than the geeky 14 yr old boy she was pretending to be!

George goes skydiving for the very first time. After listening to the instructor for a long time, he is raring to go. Excited he jumps out of the aeroplane.
Five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens and he carries on falling!. He tries again.
Still nothing. Starting to panic, he remembers the reserve parachute. He pulls that cord, but again, nothing happens. He frantically pulls at both cords, but to no avail!
Suddenly, he looks down and can't believe his eyes. He sees Walt in the air with him, but Walt is going upwards!
Just as the pass each other, George (by this time scared out of his wits) yells to Walt "Do you know anything about skydiving?"
Walt yells back "F&ck no! Do you know anything about lighting stoves?"

[hennar2017]

Loved the skydiving joke! Reading this thread makes my day! Keep them coming.

[sugerdaddy]

Peter22 that is one good joke well done.

[WalterB]

.
At a busy bus stop, Emily, waiting for a bus, was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more. Again, she was unable to make the step.

About this time, Walt, a Texas oil rig worker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!"
He just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[EmilyRain]

Omg Walt...lmao. That was super cute

[WalterB]

Take another look, Emily. I decided to edit it a little bit.

[LaurenLover]

At campaign rally speeches durning Trumps run for President. Trump would ask the crowd "Who is going to pay for the wall?" The crowd would answer back "Mexico!!" Trump "Who is going to pay for the wall???" Crowd "MEXICO!!!" Over and over, at rally after rally.
Now as President Trump. When he asks a rally crowd "Who is going to pay for the wall??"
The crowd answers back "WE ARE!!!"

[hennar2017]

I love Ole, Lena and Sven jokes!
Ole is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked.
"Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?" asks Ole.
"Ohh Ole, I have absolutely nuttin ta vear!"
Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it.
"Lena! Vut do ya mean you have nuttin ta vear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, Hello Sven, here's your orange dress.."


Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to" ... so Ole drove to Duluth.

Hope you enjoy!