Joke Thread

[PeterL22]

What is that cold breath you can feel on the back of your neck Hennar? BEHIND YOU!!

What did the egg say after he was put into boiling water?
That's just great! I just got laid by a chick, and NOW I'm getting hard!!!

Henna got a job as a representative for a major condom manufacturer and was on her way to a sales convention.
As she was rushing through the airport to catch her flight, her briefcase falls open and all her samples of condoms fall out onto the floor!
As she quickly tries to stuff them all back into the case, she notices lots of tourists giving her funny looks.
"It's OK!" she says, "I am doing a big convention!"


An old guy of 70 goes into see Dr Dave to get a sperm count (I have no idea why either!).
Dr Dave gives him a jar and says "Right Walt, take this jar home and bring me back your sample in it tomorrow."
The next day, Walt reappears back at Dr Dave's surgery and gives him the jar back empty!
Dr Dave asks, "What happened, its empty!?"
Walt explains - "Well Dr D, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help, and she tried her right hand - nothing. Then her left hand, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth (first with her teeth in, and then with her teeth out - and still nothing! We even asked Hennar next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too; but still nothing!"
At this point Dr Dave was shocked, "You asked your neighbour?"
Walt replied "Yep. But no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar open!"

[rokkerr]

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

[hennar2017]

What is that cold breath you can feel on the back of your neck Hennar? BEHIND YOU!!

What did the egg say after he was put into boiling water?
That's just great! I just got laid by a chick, and NOW I'm getting hard!!!

Henna got a job as a representative for a major condom manufacturer and was on her way to a sales convention.
As she was rushing through the airport to catch her flight, her briefcase falls open and all her samples of condoms fall out onto the floor!
As she quickly tries to stuff them all back into the case, she notices lots of tourists giving her funny looks.
"It's OK!" she says, "I am doing a big convention!"


An old guy of 70 goes into see Dr Dave to get a sperm count (I have no idea why either!).
Dr Dave gives him a jar and says "Right Walt, take this jar home and bring me back your sample in it tomorrow."
The next day, Walt reappears back at Dr Dave's surgery and gives him the jar back empty!
Dr Dave asks, "What happened, its empty!?"
Walt explains - "Well Dr D, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help, and she tried her right hand - nothing. Then her left hand, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth (first with her teeth in, and then with her teeth out - and still nothing! We even asked Hennar next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too; but still nothing!"
At this point Dr Dave was shocked, "You asked your neighbour?"
Walt replied "Yep. But no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar open!"

Now PeterL , these sound like dumb blonde jokes and you know I am a red head!!!

[hennar2017]

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

LOL rokkerr! Is that why you buy Hawaiian clothes?

[PeterL22]

Hope this is not a repeat!

A guy goes into the doctor's surgery complaining of a headache he just can't get rid of.
The doc says "I have good news and bad news George! First, the log news - I can completely cure your headache.The bad news is that it will require castration!You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to put pressure on your spine which causes one helluva headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles!"
Understandably, George was shocked and depressed.However, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
After surgery, when he left the hospital, it was the first time in 20 years he was headache free, but he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he felt like a new guy and realised that he could make a new start to life.
He saw a tailor's shop and decided that he would get a new suit to start his new life.
He told the tailor "I'd like a new suit please!"
The elderly tailor eye'd him up briefly and said "Sir will need a 44 Long". "That's amazing!" said George, "How did you know that without measuring me?"
The tailor replied "Been in the business 50 years ,sir!"
George tried the suit on and it fitted perfectly!
"Would sir like some new shirts?" After a pause George agreed.
Again the tailor looked at George, "Sleeves 34 and neck 16 and half"
Again George was amazed - "Been in the business 50 years ,sir!"
Again the shirts fitted perfectly.
"Will sir be requiring new underwear?"
Hesitantly after the surgery George agreed
"Well sir, you are a 34!'
George grinned and said "That's your first mistake, I've been a 32 since I was in my twenties!"
The old tailor sadly shook his head and said "You can't wear a 32. The 32 would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a really bad headache!"

[PeterL22]

A blonde rushed out to look in her mailbox. She looked in it, closed it up and went back in to her house.
Five minutes later she repeated the process, looking in her mail box again. After another five times, her next-door neighbour was curious and commented -
"you must be expecting a really important letter, the way you keep coming out to check your mail box!"
The blonde replied - "Nope, I'm on my computer and it keeps telling me I have mail!"

A teacher, a garbage collector (we call them dustbin men) and a lawyer die and are outside the Pearly Gates.
St Peter tell the three of them that to enter Heaven, they will need to answer a question.
Firstly, St Peter approaches the teacher and asks, "Which famous ship crashed into an iceberg and sank? There was a film made about it."
Quickly thatcher answers "Titanic" and St Peter lets her in.
St Peter looks at the garbage man (who smells quite a bit) and is not sure if he wants to let him in, so asks a harder question.
"Right, How many passengers died on the Titanic?"
Fortunately, the garbage collector had just finished reading a book about the Titanic, so was able to answer "1,228 lost souls"
"Wow!" says St Peter, "That's spot on! You may enter"
Lastly, St Peter turns to the lawyer and asks "Name them!!"

[WalterB]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.

[PeterL22]

Little Walt wrote to Santa saying "Please send me a little brother!"
Santa wrote back saying "Please send me your mother!"

Three mice are sitting a bar (!) trying to impress each other how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of bourbon, pounds the glass into the bar and says "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times!"
The second mouse orders up 2 shots of tequila, slams each of them and pounds the glasses into the bar. "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning I grind it up and put it in my coffee to get a good buzz going for the rest of the day!"
The first and second mouse then turn to the third mouse expectantly!
He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "Look I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat!"

[PeterL22]

A blonde decides to rent a pornographic movie, so she chooses one with the dirtiest title she can imagine!
When she gets it home and puts it on to play, the screen just gets fuzzy and no images appear.
When she phones the rental store to complain, the guy asks her what the title of the film was.
She tells him "Head Cleaner"........

The teacher asked Little Walt "Walt, why is your cat with you at school today?"
Little Walt started to cry and said "Cos I heard my daddy tell my mommy, I am going to eat that pussy once Walt leaves for school today!"

The Penis Study!
The UK government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and £100,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the study was published, the French decided to do their own study, and after 200,00 euros and two years of research, they came to the conclusion that the reason the head was larger than the shaft, was to give the woman more pleasure.
The Irish, unsatisfied with either study did their own!
After two weeks and a cost of 75 euros and two cases of Guiness, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the face!

[PeterL22]

A woman goes into see Dr Dave because she is continuously sneezing.
When he asks what the problem is, she tells him - "I keep sneezing and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!"
Dr Dave asks her, "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Just sniffing pepper!"

A family is at the dinner table when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many types of boobs are there?"
The father, a little surprised, replies. "Well son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons; round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears. Still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions."
"Like onions ?" asks the boy. "Yes, son. You see them and they make you cry!"
Unsurprisingly, the mother and daughter are outraged.
The daughter asks her mother, "Mum, how many different types of penises are there?"
"Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree - mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, its like a Birch tree - flexible and reliant. However, after 50 its like a Christmas tree!"
"Like a Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.
"Yes dear, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration!"

[PeterL22]

Quick one about Brit humour!

A Labour politician, a BBC reporter and an SAS Trooper were captured by ISIS.

Unsurprisingly they were sentenced to death by beheading. More surprisingly, the ISIS commander, told them they each could have one last request before the sentence was carried out!

The politician asked for a rendition of the political anthem "Keep the Red Flag flying!"

The BBC reporter asked that his beheading should be filmed so that he would be the lead item on the TV news.

The SAS soldier simply asked to be kicked up the backside three times!

This last request was carried out first, and just as the last kick landed, the SAS Trooper pulled out a concealed 9mm pistol, shot three terrorists dead, and grabbed one of their fallen AK47s , and shot the rest of the terrorists dead!!

The two other Brits were amazed, and asked him why he requested to be kicked three times before he took out the terrorists!

"Well", said the soldier, "When we get back to Britain, I don't want you pair of ars3h0les saying it was an unprovoked attack!"

[PeterL22]

Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple who had been married for 30 years.
Every time they made love (for all that time), the husband had insisted that they put the light out.
Eventually, after 30 years the wife decided that this was ridiculous. She decides that she will break him of this silly habit.
So one night, when they were in the middle of a mad passionate lovemaking session, she switched the bed side lamp on!
She looked down and saw her husband with battery operated "leisure device" in his hand. A soft, larger than life vibrator!!
She went absolutely ballistic with him.
She screamed at him - "You lying, impotent bastard! How could you be conning me all these years? You'd better have a good explanation for this!"
The husband looks her calmly, straight in the eyes and says "OK, I'll explain the vibrator ..........





You explain the kids!!"

[WalterB]

True love blossoms:

Rokkerr and Vicky were in a local shopping center just before Christmas. Vicky suddenly noticed that Rokkerr was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.

Vicky asked, “Rokkerr, where are you? You know that we have lots to do."

Rokkerr said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Vicky’s cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that store," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."

[hennar2017]

LOL That sounds just like a man!!

[WalterB]

I made a little change to it. Should have done that first, lol.

[WalterB]

Great mental exercise. Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Hillary Clinton
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Al Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods




You had trouble with #5, didn't you?


So, you know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope??


Lovely, just lovely…


sometimes I worry about you.

[WalterB]

I went to my nephews Christmas party last night. It was only couple miles away, so I decided to ride my bicycle.

Wonder of wonders, wouldn't you know it, I won the door prize, a bottle of Jack Daniels.

As I was about to leave, I realized that, if I hit a bump on the way home and fell over, it would break my bottle of Jack Daniels. So I decided I'd better sit down and drink it right there.

Good thing I did, too. I fell off my bicycle 7 times on the way home.

[PeterL22]

Let's combine (sort of) Walt's Pope joke and the falling off joke!

Three young Scots guys went to Rome for a weekend on holiday. Not surprisingly, after leaving their luggage in their rooms at the hotel they went out for a stroll and ended up in a nearby bar!
The bar man asks them "What will you lads have to drink?"
As they have never been to Italy before they take some time to work out what to have.
Then one Scots lad says "I know what we'll do, we're in Rome where the Pope lives, so we'll drink what the Pope drinks!"
So they ask the bar man what the Pope drinks.
"Well," says the bar man "I am told he likes to drink Creme de Menthe!"
"OK," says the Scots guys "We'll have three pints of that!"
Several hours later , the Scots guys decide to leave the bar and fall out of the bar totally legless and not able to stand up.
One turns to the others and says "Told you we shouldn't have had that fifth round! No wonder they carry the Pope around in that chair!"

Yes, I'm back - New Year - same old rubbish jokes!

[PeterL22]

Over here darts is a "sport" and recently there have been World Championships - so.........
The King's Head pub had its darts match every Friday night.
It is going well with the first player up at the ocky taking his throw.
First dart - straight in treble twenty = 60 scored
Second dart - just outside treble in the twenty - 80 scored
Just as he is throwing the third dart a nun (who has been taking a collection for the Orphanage) walks across infant of the dartboard!
The dart goes straight into her eye, killing her immediately
The scorer shouts out the score - One nun dead and eighty!!


(no explanations will be given - you either get it or you don't!!)

[hennar2017]

Over here darts is a "sport" and recently there have been World Championships - so.........
The King's Head pub had its darts match every Friday night.
It is going well with the first player up at the ocky taking his throw.
First dart - straight in treble twenty = 60 scored
Second dart - just outside treble in the twenty - 80 scored
Just as he is throwing the third dart a nun (who has been taking a collection for the Orphanage) walks across infant of the dartboard!
The dart goes straight into her eye, killing her immediately
The scorer shouts out the score - One nun dead and eighty!!


(no explanations will be given - you either get it or you don't!!)

Well, of course I don't get it PeterL!!! You probably knew that! lol