Joke Thread

[PeterL22]

Over here darts is a "sport" and recently there have been World Championships - so.........
The King's Head pub had its darts match every Friday night.
It is going well with the first player up at the ocky taking his throw.
First dart - straight in treble twenty = 60 scored
Second dart - just outside treble in the twenty - 80 scored
Just as he is throwing the third dart a nun (who has been taking a collection for the Orphanage) walks across infant of the dartboard!
The dart goes straight into her eye, killing her immediately
The scorer shouts out the score - One nun dead and eighty!!


(no explanations will be given - you either get it or you don't!!)

Well, of course I don't get it PeterL!!! You probably knew that! lol

You're the only one I would explain it to Hennar!
In a darts match you have three darts each turn - the maximum you can score per dart is a treble 20 = 60. Therefore the maximum score per turn is 180 (3x 60).
The announcers get very excited when this happens and shout out loudly ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY!! (you can probably see and hear footage on Youtube) - so if you say One nun dead and eighty out loud ..............

I didn't say it was a good joke did I?

[PeterL22]

A man and his wife have a row and he says to her "You know, I was an idiot when I married you!"
She quietly replies "Yes, dear, I know - but I was in love at the time and didn't notice!"


When God realised he couldn't be everywhere all the time He made a mother.
When the devil realised he couldn't be everywhere all the time, he made a mother-in-law!

A married woman buys an old mirror from an antique shop and hangs it in the bedroom.
One evening whilst getting ready for bed she playfully looks at the mirror and says "Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my bust size 44!"
There is a flash of brilliant light and her boobs suddenly grow to rather large proportions!
Excitedly she runs (bouncing all the way) and tells her husband what has happened.
They both go up to the bedroom and the husband looks at the mirror and decides to give it a go.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again there is another bright flash - and his legs drop off!

[PeterL22]

Over here darts is a "sport" and recently there have been World Championships - so.........
The King's Head pub had its darts match every Friday night.
It is going well with the first player up at the ocky taking his throw.
First dart - straight in treble twenty = 60 scored
Second dart - just outside treble in the twenty - 80 scored
Just as he is throwing the third dart a nun (who has been taking a collection for the Orphanage) walks across infant of the dartboard!
The dart goes straight into her eye, killing her immediately
The scorer shouts out the score - One nun dead and eighty!!


(no explanations will be given - you either get it or you don't!!)

Well, of course I don't get it PeterL!!! You probably knew that! lol

Hope this isn't repeat - but I will explain it for YOU Hennar!
You get three darts each go and the highest score per dart is treble 20 = 60.
If you get all three darts in the treble 20 everyone gets excited and you score 180.
The scorer will usually shout out really loudly - ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY!



So if you say " One nun dead and eighty" out loud .....................

[PeterL22]

rokker was visiting London a few months ago, and was approached by a prostitute as he walked through Soho (don't tell Vicky!).
Out of interest (his story anyway), he asked what the cost was.
The young lady replied "Twenty quid to you, handsome!"
"American Express?" asked rokker
She looked at him and said "Nah, you can take as long as you like!"

A rich lady in California got very angry with her French maid (she was from France, not one of those maids who wears that sexy outfit).
After listing all the girl's shortcomings as cook, housekeeper, she sacked the maid!
The maid, with a typical Gallic shrug, answered "Madame, your husband considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you! He has told me so himself."
The rich woman swallowed but said nothing.
"In fact," continued the French girl, "I am better in bed than you!"
The lady of the house replied angrily, "I suppose my husband told you that too?"
"No madame," said the maid, "Not your husband - the postman!"

[PeterL22]

Blonde jokes - don't you just love 'em

Three blondes were undergoing tests to try to become Detectives.
The trainer gives the first blonde a picture of a suspect to look at for 5 seconds. He takes the picture away and asks "Well, how would you recognise that subject?"
She answers, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The trainer is a bit surprised and says "Well that's just because its a profile picture."
A little flustered by that response the trainer flashes the same picture to the second blonde and asks her the same question.
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Wow, that's really easy he's only got one ear!"
The trainer , getting angry, says "What's the matter with the pair of you!? Of course, you can only see one eye and one ear - IT'S A PROFILE PICTURE!"
Very frustrated by this he takes the picture and shows it to the third blonde saying "I want you to take this seriously, and no stupid answers! How would you recognise this suspect?"
The blonde looks at the picture and then slowly replies "Hmmmmmm - the suspect is wearing contact lenses."
The trainer is surprised and a little confused because he doesn't know if the suspect wears contact lenses or not. He says to the third blonde "Well that's an interesting answer, wait here while I check his file to see if he does wear contact lenses."
He leaves the room, checks the police computer for the subject's file then re-enters the room smiling.
"Well done that is really amazing, he does wear contact lenses. How did you manage to deduce that from the picture?"
"That's easy says the third blonde; he can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

[PeterL22]

A Physics joke - honestly there is one!
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other "I've lost my electron!"
The other asks "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive!"

Who enjoys sex more?
rokker and Vicky were having a couple of drinks one day and started to argue about who enjoyed sex more, men or women.
rokker said "Of course guys enjoy it more. Why do you think we're obsessed about it and chase after you all the time?"
Vicky smiled sweetly and said "That proves nothing! Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it about, then pull it out; which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

[PeterL22]

Walt walks into a bar in downtown Texas and sees a sign saying "Chicken sandwich = $2.50, Cheese sandwich = $2.00, Handjob $10.00"
He quickly checks his wallet and goes up to the bar. He beckons one of the three gorgeous blondes behind the bar serving drinks to some eager-looking guys.
The blonde speaks to Walt, "Hi Sir. Can I help you with anything?" putting that little extra expression in the end of the sentence only ladies can.
Walt whispers to her "Yep, I was wondering. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs here?"
"Yes," she purrs." I sure am!"
Cooly Walt says back "Well go and wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"


An old couple are getting ready to go to sleep.
The old guy gets comfy in bed, but his wife lies down on the bedroom floor.
The old guy asks "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The wife replies "I just want to feel something hard for a change!"

[hennar2017]

LOL Good ones PeterL!

[PeterL22]

Women think us guys think with our penises!
Come on ladies, Blow My Mind!

Vicky is in a supermarket to buy a couple of things. She rushes to the Express Checkout but the cashier has his back to her.
She says to him "Excuse me, but I'm in a bit of a hurry! Please could you check me out."
The cashier turns round and looks her up and down, and says "Sure, nice tits!"

A young blonde Catholic girl went to confession with a kindly old priest.
She confessed that she had been having sex with her boyfriend in the passenger seat of his car every night for two months.
"Don't you think you have been doing something wrong?" admonished the priest gently.
"I guess you are right father," she mumbled thoughtfully, "It might have been more comfortable in the back seat!"

[WalterB]

If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns, remember,

Go for the juggler.

[PeterL22]

If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns, remember,

Go for the juggler.

Two cannibals eating a clown; one says to the other "Does this meat taste funny to you?"

[PeterL22]

A guy was doing a doorstep survey on sex in catalina's neighbourhood.
Catalina agreed to help out and the man asked the first question - "How many times a week do you and your wife have sex?"
Catalina paused a moment, then said "Four times."
The man replied "Well that's once more than your next door neighbour!"
"That makes sense " said catalina, "after all, she is my wife!"


A really cranky old age pensioner was arrested for shop-lifting.
She gave everyone a really hard time from the security guard to the store manager, even the policeman who arrested her!
She complained and critised everything and everyone in the whole process at the police station.
When she appeared in the court, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
Defiantly, the old lady said "Just a stupid tin of peaches!"
The judge asked why she had done it.
"I was hungry, and had left my money at home, so I just took it."
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the tin.
Nastily she replied "Nine, but what's that to you?"
Patiently, the judge answered, "Well ma'am. Because there were nine peaches in the tim, I'm going to sentence you to nine days in jail!"
At this point the woman's long-suffering husband stood up at the back of the court and asked to speak.
The judge agreed "You may. What do you have to add to this case?"
Quietly, the old guy replied "Did you know Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas!"

[PeterL22]

With apologies - not PC I'm afraid. Two quick Irish jokes

1/ How do you get an Irishman confused?
Lean two shovels against a wall and tell an Irishman to take his pick!

2/ Declan, Paddy and Mick were in the pub and decided to have a go in the raffle.
Much to their surprise they each won a prize!!
Declan won a bottle of whiskey, Paddy won a large joint of beef, and Mick won a toilet brush.
The following week they met up again in the pub and started talking about their prizes.
Declan praised the smooth taste of his whiskey; Paddy reported that the beef was the tenderest, tastiest beef he had ever eaten.
Mick looked pretty glum when the other two asked him about his prize.
"Well to be honest, it wasn't that great! I think I'll go back to using paper!"

[PeterL22]

A layman and a priest were playing golf one day and the layman was having an awful round! Each time he missed an easy putt, he would shout out loudly "Oh shit, I've missed!"
Eventually, the priest had had enough of the swearing and showed his disapproval to his playing partner.
"You really must stop using such awful language everytime you miss a shot, or the Good Lord may strike you down where you stand!" he admonished.
Just as the protest said these words there was a roaring clap of thunder and a flash of lightening and the priest was burnt to a crisp!
Then above the noise of the thunder came a deep voice saying "Oh shit, I've missed!"

Breakfast was late and Walt and his wife were badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before.
Bleary eyed, Walt said to his wife "Was it you I made love to in the garden last night?"
Without batting an eyelid she replied "About what time?"

[PeterL22]

The wife came home by car screeching to a halt on the driveway and ran into the house screaming "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband replied "O my God! What should I pack, beach clothes or skiing gear?"
"I don't care," she replied "Just get out!"

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driving licence.
He was given the eye test chart to read "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z"
The tester asked "Can you read that line?"
"Read it?" asked the Polish guy, "I know that guy really well!"

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James a guy from North Carolina was drafted into the US Army.
On his first day in basic training the Army issued him with a comb.
That afternoon, the Army barber shaved off all his hair.
On his second day the Army issued Herman with a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist examined him and pulled six of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him with a jock-strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years!

[hennar2017]

Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?


A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian......"
The blond replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
"Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks.
"No", the guy says, "she's not that ugly"

[greggl]

A chicken and an egg are in bed having sex when the chicken suddenly rolls over and says "well that answers that question"

[WalterB]

OK, I'm not a woman (Shut up, DrDave, LOL!) But I know that women "have to" shave, to look nice for us heathens. I'm sure it's not something they WANT to do, but more a "task" that they HAVE to do. So I thought this quote, from a rather nonsensical program I like, from a character (a grade school teacher) who apparently has a small problem, was funny.

"So, you don't want to do homework. Well, I wish I didn't have to remove hair from my body, either. But, since apparently one of my ancestors mated with a Sasquach, I have to."

[WalterB]

Some believe in the 10 Commandments, some don't. But whether they are valid or not is any one persons choice. Even believers, tho, have broken one or more in their lifetime. I seriously doubt if anyone has ever lived a lifetime without violating at least one, and most likely more.

In any case, I thought this quote from Diana Dors was cute, given the light of today's world. Diana Dors was a very good British actress. She was Marilyn Monroe before Marilyn Monroe was. But she was British, and the great majority of her work was in England. Therefore, hardly anyone knew of her over here. In any case, I like her views on one of the Commandments in particular. Or more so, maybe, the priest she was talking to.

"I said to this priest, "Am I expected to believe that if I went out and had an affair that God was really going to be upset? Okay, thou shalt not kill... steal... but thou shalt not commit adultery? If no one is any the wiser, what the hell difference does it make?". He was lovely. He told me the Commandments were laid down for a lot of guys living in the desert."

[PeterL22]

A guy just called at my door. He wanted to sell raffle tickets for orphans
I told him to get lost, with my luck I might just win one!

The thing I love most about Summer and the hot weather is the short skirts and the low-cut tops!
Problem is I do look a bit gay in them.

Following the tragic death of the human cannonball at the Hampshire show, a spokesman was reported to say
"We'll struggle to get another guy of the same calibre!"

Just been to the gym and they've got a fantastic new machine. Problem is after 30mins with it I was feeling so sick.
It does everything - KitKats, Snickers, crisps and Mars!

Prince Harry said he does want the usual fruitcake at his wedding later in the year.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss; he's still going!

Finally an Irish joke!
Paddy bursts into the Benefits Office. "I've been dealing 0800-1730 for two days! Why don't you answer the phone?"
The lady behind the desk replies - "Those are our opening hours!"