Juiia Ann loved to go to Hedo with her friends, and planned on doing it as long as she could. She was older now, but never tired of hanging out with her friends and reminiscing about "the good old days."
Walt, An elderly member of the VNA wanted to go, too, so he really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning as he was packing, he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So, once he got to Hedo, he knew he needed to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, Julia and Zany came strolling along the beach, Julia using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, Julia began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to Zany, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."
Zany asked: "What do you mean by that?"
Julia replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40, I asked for it."
"When I was 50, I paid for it."
"When I was 60, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70, I forgot about it."
"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
Joke Thread
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hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
Funny one Walt!! lol
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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carl goldfinger
- Captain
- Posts: 1801
- Joined: July 4th, 2010, 7:32 am
...an older couple decided to escape from the bad, cold weather in Boston and booked a vacation on a Caribbean island.
Due to job issues the wife had to fly a day later. Her husband took the booked flight and right after he arrived in his hotel, he wrote his wife an email.
Unfocused, he forgot one letter in the email address and so the message appeared in the mailbox of a widow, who's hubby died some days before...
A while later the son of the widow entered her room, and found his mom on the floor, unconscious.
He looked around and saw the message in the mailbox of her computer:
"To my be left wife, from your travelled ahead hubby...
Subject: I arrived.
My dear darling, I already arrived here, settled in very good and I'm looking forward to prepare a nice welcome for you by tomorrow.
I wish you a good journey and I'll be waiting for you in love...
Your hubby.
PS: It is pretty hot her..."
.... 
Carl
PS: I hope the translation is OK
Due to job issues the wife had to fly a day later. Her husband took the booked flight and right after he arrived in his hotel, he wrote his wife an email.
Unfocused, he forgot one letter in the email address and so the message appeared in the mailbox of a widow, who's hubby died some days before...
A while later the son of the widow entered her room, and found his mom on the floor, unconscious.
He looked around and saw the message in the mailbox of her computer:
"To my be left wife, from your travelled ahead hubby...
Subject: I arrived.
My dear darling, I already arrived here, settled in very good and I'm looking forward to prepare a nice welcome for you by tomorrow.
I wish you a good journey and I'll be waiting for you in love...
Your hubby.
PS: It is pretty hot her..."
.... Carl
PS: I hope the translation is OK
Intelligent ppl are only intelligent because they invent things to make their life easier, lazy bastards...like me...
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hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
This is hilarious!!! Thanks Carl.
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
For all my married friends (in sympathy, lol:)
And That's When The Fight Started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
----------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
And That's When The Fight Started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
----------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
Good jokes Walt!!! Thanks.
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
What do you call 10 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific?
A start!!
Irish joke - well it is St Paddy's day soon!
Paddy and his two friends, Mick & Seamus are talking in a bar.
Seamus says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. Last week I came home and found some wire cutters under the bed, and they weren't mine!"
Mick says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber. This week, I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine!"
Finally Paddy speaks, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!"
The other two look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious! Yesterday, I got home and found a jockey under my bed!"
A start!!
Irish joke - well it is St Paddy's day soon!
Paddy and his two friends, Mick & Seamus are talking in a bar.
Seamus says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. Last week I came home and found some wire cutters under the bed, and they weren't mine!"
Mick says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber. This week, I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine!"
Finally Paddy speaks, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!"
The other two look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious! Yesterday, I got home and found a jockey under my bed!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
Maybe the guy should have rode the jockey home! LOL YeeeHaaa
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Little Vicky goes to school one day and her teacher says "Today we are going to learn about multi-syllable words. Does anyone in class have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Vicky waves her hand in the air "Me, me Miss Hennar, I know one!"
"Alright Vicky, what is your multi syllable word?"
Vicky says "Mas-tur-bate"
Miss Hennar replies "Wow Vicky, that's a mouthful!"
Vicky quickly answers - " No, Miss Hennar, you're thinking of Blowjob!"
We have snow here at the moment - it reminded me of this quick one
A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last!
Vicky waves her hand in the air "Me, me Miss Hennar, I know one!"
"Alright Vicky, what is your multi syllable word?"
Vicky says "Mas-tur-bate"
Miss Hennar replies "Wow Vicky, that's a mouthful!"
Vicky quickly answers - " No, Miss Hennar, you're thinking of Blowjob!"
We have snow here at the moment - it reminded me of this quick one
A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Walt was in his Maths class (note correct spelling my American friends!) and the teacher asked what comes after 69.
Apparently, Walt doesn't know the answer!
Rokker was in the house when Vicky came in. She called him up to the bedroom and he meekly approached her.
"I want you to take off my dress" said Vicky. Rokker did as he was told.
Next she asked him to take off her shoes and stockings, and he obeyed!
Next Vicky asked him to take off her bra and panties, which rokker also did.
He asked "Is there anything else you want me to do for you?"
"Yes," answered Vicky, "Don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!!"
Apparently, Walt doesn't know the answer!
Rokker was in the house when Vicky came in. She called him up to the bedroom and he meekly approached her.
"I want you to take off my dress" said Vicky. Rokker did as he was told.
Next she asked him to take off her shoes and stockings, and he obeyed!
Next Vicky asked him to take off her bra and panties, which rokker also did.
He asked "Is there anything else you want me to do for you?"
"Yes," answered Vicky, "Don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
LOL PeterL
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
OK some one liners - I love 'em!
I phoned the local gym yesterday and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits. The guy asked "How flexible are you?" I told him I couldn't do Tuesdays or Wednesdays!
He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library". I thought, that's a turn up for the books!
I was getting into my car in the carpark, and this guy asked me if I could give him a lift. I said "sure, no problem. You look fantastic, the world's your oyster. Go for it!"
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said "Parking fine". That was nice.
I was stealing in the supermarket today. I balanced on three vampires to reach the top shelf. I got charged with shoplifting on three counts.
People have accused me of plagiarism. Their words, not mine!
I phoned the local gym yesterday and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits. The guy asked "How flexible are you?" I told him I couldn't do Tuesdays or Wednesdays!
He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library". I thought, that's a turn up for the books!
I was getting into my car in the carpark, and this guy asked me if I could give him a lift. I said "sure, no problem. You look fantastic, the world's your oyster. Go for it!"
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said "Parking fine". That was nice.
I was stealing in the supermarket today. I balanced on three vampires to reach the top shelf. I got charged with shoplifting on three counts.
People have accused me of plagiarism. Their words, not mine!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
More one-liners anybody?
I bought a train ticket to Paris the other day. The driver said "Eurostar?", so I said "Hey, I'm no Dean Martin!" Still at least its comfortable on Eurostar; its murder on the Orient Express!
I went to buy a new watch the other day. The guy in the shop asked "Analogue?". I told him "No, just the watch!"
I went into the pet shop to buy a goldfish. The guy asked me "Do you want an aquarium?" I told him "I don't care what star sign it is."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords the other day. I can't remember his name; it's P something T something R.
So this guy says to me the other day "Can I come to your house and talk about carpets?". I thought to my self, "That's all I need another Je-hoover's Witness!"
Talking of religion, my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter!
I bought a train ticket to Paris the other day. The driver said "Eurostar?", so I said "Hey, I'm no Dean Martin!" Still at least its comfortable on Eurostar; its murder on the Orient Express!
I went to buy a new watch the other day. The guy in the shop asked "Analogue?". I told him "No, just the watch!"
I went into the pet shop to buy a goldfish. The guy asked me "Do you want an aquarium?" I told him "I don't care what star sign it is."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords the other day. I can't remember his name; it's P something T something R.
So this guy says to me the other day "Can I come to your house and talk about carpets?". I thought to my self, "That's all I need another Je-hoover's Witness!"
Talking of religion, my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Walt's Storehouse of Useless Knowledge
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes (OMG!!!!)
A Cockroach will live 9 days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy...I'm still not over the pig.)
The male Praying Mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping its head off. ("Honey, I'm home...What the...?")
The Flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...lucky pig. Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds (What the hell can be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day (I still can't believe that pig...Quality over quantity, I guess.)
Butterflys taste with their feet (something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (I'd sure hate to have a rhino jump in my shit.)
A cats urine glows under a black light (I wonder how much the government spent to figure that one out.)
An ostriches eye is bigger than it's brain (I know some people like that.)
A starfish has no brain (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left handed (The ultimate southpaw.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (what about that pig? Do dolphins know about the pig?)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes (OMG!!!!)
A Cockroach will live 9 days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy...I'm still not over the pig.)
The male Praying Mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping its head off. ("Honey, I'm home...What the...?")
The Flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...lucky pig. Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds (What the hell can be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day (I still can't believe that pig...Quality over quantity, I guess.)
Butterflys taste with their feet (something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (I'd sure hate to have a rhino jump in my shit.)
A cats urine glows under a black light (I wonder how much the government spent to figure that one out.)
An ostriches eye is bigger than it's brain (I know some people like that.)
A starfish has no brain (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left handed (The ultimate southpaw.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (what about that pig? Do dolphins know about the pig?)
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Today's quickies!
Old 80s music joke - Batman came up to me and hit me over the head with a vase and shouted "T'Pau". I asked him, "Don't you mean KaPow?". He replied "Nope, I've got China in my hand!"
I went to the dentist and he said "Say Arrgh!". I asked "Why?". He said "My dog just died!"
I phoned my local gym. I said "Is that the local gym?". The guy said "It depends on where you're phoning from.".
I spent all the weekend rearranging the furniture in Dracula's house. I'm really into Fang-Shui!
I was in my car driving along, and my boss phoned me up.He said, "You've been promoted!" I swerved ! Then he phoned me a second time and said, "You've been promoted again!". I swerved again. Then he phoned me up a third time and said "You're Managing Director!". I drove into a tree! The traffic policeman arrived and said "What happened to you?". I told him, "I've just careered off the road!".
A policeman came up to me with a pencil and a very thin sheet of paper. He said "I want you to trace someone for me!"
The police in Southampton are looking for a robber with a hearing-aid. I told them it would be easier with a pair of glasses!
Old 80s music joke - Batman came up to me and hit me over the head with a vase and shouted "T'Pau". I asked him, "Don't you mean KaPow?". He replied "Nope, I've got China in my hand!"
I went to the dentist and he said "Say Arrgh!". I asked "Why?". He said "My dog just died!"
I phoned my local gym. I said "Is that the local gym?". The guy said "It depends on where you're phoning from.".
I spent all the weekend rearranging the furniture in Dracula's house. I'm really into Fang-Shui!
I was in my car driving along, and my boss phoned me up.He said, "You've been promoted!" I swerved ! Then he phoned me a second time and said, "You've been promoted again!". I swerved again. Then he phoned me up a third time and said "You're Managing Director!". I drove into a tree! The traffic policeman arrived and said "What happened to you?". I told him, "I've just careered off the road!".
A policeman came up to me with a pencil and a very thin sheet of paper. He said "I want you to trace someone for me!"
The police in Southampton are looking for a robber with a hearing-aid. I told them it would be easier with a pair of glasses!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
They just keep coming!
This lorry full of tortoises collides with a lorry full of terrapins! It was a turtle disaster!
I told my girlfriend I had just got a job at a bowling alley. She asked me "Tenpin?". I replied "No, it's permanent!"
I told my mother I'd just opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?". I said "Well, we'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing that Abba song "Dancing Queen" on it. I thought , that's aboriginal!
I went to visit the offices of the RSPCA today. They're really tiny. You can't swing a cat in there!
This lorry full of tortoises collides with a lorry full of terrapins! It was a turtle disaster!
I told my girlfriend I had just got a job at a bowling alley. She asked me "Tenpin?". I replied "No, it's permanent!"
I told my mother I'd just opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?". I said "Well, we'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing that Abba song "Dancing Queen" on it. I thought , that's aboriginal!
I went to visit the offices of the RSPCA today. They're really tiny. You can't swing a cat in there!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Yet more, I'm afraid!
A friend of mine was so depressed he went to the local steam railway and threw himself in front of a train - he was chuffed to bits.
I went into the local record shop and asked the guy behind the counter, "What have you got by the doors?". He told me "A fire extinguisher and the security guard!"
Did you know Vicky is so posh she has a butler to look after her. The only problem is he lost his left arm in an accident. Serves her right!
When I was doing my basic training in the Army, the sergeant asked me "What does surrender mean?" I replied "I give up!"
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
A blonde walks into a bar which has a sign outside saying "We only serve men in this bar"
"I'm sorry ma'am" says the bar tender ," we only serve men here."
"That's OK," says the blonde, "I'll have two ,please!"
A friend of mine was so depressed he went to the local steam railway and threw himself in front of a train - he was chuffed to bits.
I went into the local record shop and asked the guy behind the counter, "What have you got by the doors?". He told me "A fire extinguisher and the security guard!"
Did you know Vicky is so posh she has a butler to look after her. The only problem is he lost his left arm in an accident. Serves her right!
When I was doing my basic training in the Army, the sergeant asked me "What does surrender mean?" I replied "I give up!"
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
A blonde walks into a bar which has a sign outside saying "We only serve men in this bar"
"I'm sorry ma'am" says the bar tender ," we only serve men here."
"That's OK," says the blonde, "I'll have two ,please!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
Walt.......A pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes because it takes him that long to get detached from the female because........he has penis that looks like a curly French fry!!! lmao
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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