As long as both the boy and girl pig have the same direction to the thread that's fine - wouldn't want to get cross-threaded!hennar2017 wrote: ↑March 14th, 2018, 4:08 pm Walt.......A pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes because it takes him that long to get detached from the female because........he has penis that looks like a curly French fry!!! lmao
Joke Thread
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PeterL22
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Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
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- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Time for some blonde jokes! (sorry Vicky - but there is always the exception that proves the rule!)
A blonde pushes her BMW into a garage and tells the mechanic that it has died. He works on it for a few minutes and then it is idling sweetly.
She asks "So what's the story?"
He replies "Just crap in the carburettor!"
The blonde asks "How often do I have to do that?"
Two blondes were in a car park trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't.
The blonde holding the coat hanger stopped for a moment to get her breath back, and the other blonde cried anxiously, "Hurry up, its starting to rain, and we've left the top down!"
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a Mercedes?
Divorcee
A police car pulls alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Looking across the traffic cop was astonished to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realising that the blonde was oblivious to his siren and flashing lights, the cop wound down his window and shouted loudly "PULLOVER!"
The blonde wound down her window and shouted back "No. It's a scarf!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a garage and tells the mechanic that it has died. He works on it for a few minutes and then it is idling sweetly.
She asks "So what's the story?"
He replies "Just crap in the carburettor!"
The blonde asks "How often do I have to do that?"
Two blondes were in a car park trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't.
The blonde holding the coat hanger stopped for a moment to get her breath back, and the other blonde cried anxiously, "Hurry up, its starting to rain, and we've left the top down!"
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a Mercedes?
Divorcee
A police car pulls alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Looking across the traffic cop was astonished to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realising that the blonde was oblivious to his siren and flashing lights, the cop wound down his window and shouted loudly "PULLOVER!"
The blonde wound down her window and shouted back "No. It's a scarf!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
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- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Specially for Dr Dave some doctor jokes!
What do you call 2 orthopaedic surgeons reading an ECG?
A double-blind trial!
What's the difference between God and an Orthopaedic surgeon?
God doesn't think he's an orthopaedic surgeon!
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for guys?
You take it the morning after sex and it changes your blood group.
The baby was born in the new high-tech delivery room.
It was cordless!
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!
Did you hear about the depressed dentist - he was really down in the mouth.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna try my pick up lines on Hennar!
What do you call 2 orthopaedic surgeons reading an ECG?
A double-blind trial!
What's the difference between God and an Orthopaedic surgeon?
God doesn't think he's an orthopaedic surgeon!
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for guys?
You take it the morning after sex and it changes your blood group.
The baby was born in the new high-tech delivery room.
It was cordless!
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!
Did you hear about the depressed dentist - he was really down in the mouth.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna try my pick up lines on Hennar!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Right then Hennar, here goes
Would you touch me, so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Help there's something wrong with my eyes. I just can't take them off you.
Are you on the menu at McDonalds? If you were, you'd be a McHottie!
Was your father a mechanic - cos you sure have a finely tuned body!
That's a nice shirt! Can I talk you out of it?
Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night. I think it's now time to see if I was right.
May I use your phone to call God and tell him that he's missing one of his angels.
I lost my number; can I use yours?
Well at least I tried.
Would you touch me, so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Help there's something wrong with my eyes. I just can't take them off you.
Are you on the menu at McDonalds? If you were, you'd be a McHottie!
Was your father a mechanic - cos you sure have a finely tuned body!
That's a nice shirt! Can I talk you out of it?
Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night. I think it's now time to see if I was right.
May I use your phone to call God and tell him that he's missing one of his angels.
I lost my number; can I use yours?
Well at least I tried.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
LOL Those are pretty good lines PeterL. How many years did it take you to make them up and did any work for you?
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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PeterL22
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- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
I expect you can guess how many worked Henna!
But let's try again
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Know what's on the menu? Me n u!!
I'm not a photographer, but I can picture the two of us together.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
I'm not staring at your boobs; I'm staring at your heart!
But let's try again
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Know what's on the menu? Me n u!!
I'm not a photographer, but I can picture the two of us together.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
I'm not staring at your boobs; I'm staring at your heart!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
I wasn't sure which thread to post this under but are you ready for Supermarket games?
Most people hate shopping for food in a big supermarket - they just want to get in and out. Here are three games that you can play which will make the chore more fun!
GAME 1 - Spam placement.
I assume you guys still have Spam in the USA - the reconstituted meat type stuff which comes in a tin?
Idea of the game is to take a tin of Spam and replace it in the most inappropriate/interesting place in the supermarket. I have placed tins in the display of fresh Scottish salmon, in a microwave that was for sale, amongst the pregnancy tests etc.
This game works best if there are two of you to compete. You can take photos on your phone if you wish - please feel free to post them here!
GAME 2 - The condom game.
The idea of this game is to take a packet of condoms off the shelf and put it into someone else's trolley. Obviously, they should not be aware you have done this until they reach the checkout!
My favourite is to find the most elderly and frail customer (ideally a couple) and queue up behind them at the checkout.
Wait for the denials and explanations to start!!
GAME 3 - taking someone else's stuff
I suspect Walt might not want to try this in Texas - he might get shot!
The premise here is that until you pay at the checkout, the stuff in your trolley does not belong to you.
So, what you do is go up to someone with a full trolley and carefully pick an item in it and put it in your own trolley. As they haven't paid for it, it isn't theirs so legally you can take it!
I would be careful on Black Friday and other major sales though!
HAPPY SHOPPING!
Most people hate shopping for food in a big supermarket - they just want to get in and out. Here are three games that you can play which will make the chore more fun!
GAME 1 - Spam placement.
I assume you guys still have Spam in the USA - the reconstituted meat type stuff which comes in a tin?
Idea of the game is to take a tin of Spam and replace it in the most inappropriate/interesting place in the supermarket. I have placed tins in the display of fresh Scottish salmon, in a microwave that was for sale, amongst the pregnancy tests etc.
This game works best if there are two of you to compete. You can take photos on your phone if you wish - please feel free to post them here!
GAME 2 - The condom game.
The idea of this game is to take a packet of condoms off the shelf and put it into someone else's trolley. Obviously, they should not be aware you have done this until they reach the checkout!
My favourite is to find the most elderly and frail customer (ideally a couple) and queue up behind them at the checkout.
Wait for the denials and explanations to start!!
GAME 3 - taking someone else's stuff
I suspect Walt might not want to try this in Texas - he might get shot!
The premise here is that until you pay at the checkout, the stuff in your trolley does not belong to you.
So, what you do is go up to someone with a full trolley and carefully pick an item in it and put it in your own trolley. As they haven't paid for it, it isn't theirs so legally you can take it!
I would be careful on Black Friday and other major sales though!
HAPPY SHOPPING!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Why don't you see giraffes in Primary School?
Cos they're already in High School!
Why was the Geometry book sad?
Cos it had too many problems.
Why can't you trust atoms?
Cos they make up everything.
Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide!
What did the barman say when Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
Olive or twist?
Cos they're already in High School!
Why was the Geometry book sad?
Cos it had too many problems.
Why can't you trust atoms?
Cos they make up everything.
Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide!
What did the barman say when Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
Olive or twist?
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
A lorry load of onions overturned on the motorway. Motorists are advised to look for a hard shoulder to cry on.
Walt broke his leg after standing on a doormat. Perhaps someone should explain to him the concept of a Helter-skelter.
The other day I bent down to pick up a sieve, and strained myself.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally mixed his Viagra with his iron pills? Now he can't stop pointing North!
A lorry carrying a load of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday, shedding its load across the motorway. Onlookers were said to be stunned,bewildered,dumbfounded,astonished,amazed,shocked and flabbergasted.
Did you hear about guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a factory accident? It's OK, he's all right now.
A lorry carrying a load of glue has shed its load on the motorway. Drivers are advised to stick to the inside lane.
Walt broke his leg after standing on a doormat. Perhaps someone should explain to him the concept of a Helter-skelter.
The other day I bent down to pick up a sieve, and strained myself.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally mixed his Viagra with his iron pills? Now he can't stop pointing North!
A lorry carrying a load of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday, shedding its load across the motorway. Onlookers were said to be stunned,bewildered,dumbfounded,astonished,amazed,shocked and flabbergasted.
Did you hear about guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a factory accident? It's OK, he's all right now.
A lorry carrying a load of glue has shed its load on the motorway. Drivers are advised to stick to the inside lane.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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hennar2017
- General Hurricane
- Posts: 647
- Joined: April 3rd, 2017, 8:34 pm
- Location: Iowa
These are kind of sweet PeterL. They just might work on me!PeterL22 wrote: ↑March 19th, 2018, 8:29 am I expect you can guess how many worked Henna!
But let's try again
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Know what's on the menu? Me n u!!
I'm not a photographer, but I can picture the two of us together.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
I'm not staring at your boobs; I'm staring at your heart!
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regrets.
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Today's offerings
Vicky Vette walked in to her local church and took her top of!
As she was sitting in the pew, the priest came up to her and said - "I'm sorry young lady, but you can't sit there like that. You have to put your top back on!"
Vicky turned towards him and said "But, Father, I have a divine right!"
The priest looked again at her (more closely this time) and replied "Well, the left is pretty nice to, but you still have to put your top back on!"
Remember the "two cannibals eating a clown" joke? Here are some more cannibal jokes
A cannibal is someone who sometimes has his friends for dinner.
What's a cannibal's favourite game - swallow the leader
Why did the cannibal become a policeman? - so he could grill the suspects.
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
A cannibal came home from holiday on crutches with only one leg. He said "That's the last time I go self-catering!"
Vicky Vette walked in to her local church and took her top of!
As she was sitting in the pew, the priest came up to her and said - "I'm sorry young lady, but you can't sit there like that. You have to put your top back on!"
Vicky turned towards him and said "But, Father, I have a divine right!"
The priest looked again at her (more closely this time) and replied "Well, the left is pretty nice to, but you still have to put your top back on!"
Remember the "two cannibals eating a clown" joke? Here are some more cannibal jokes
A cannibal is someone who sometimes has his friends for dinner.
What's a cannibal's favourite game - swallow the leader
Why did the cannibal become a policeman? - so he could grill the suspects.
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
A cannibal came home from holiday on crutches with only one leg. He said "That's the last time I go self-catering!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Ghosts for today!
My house was once the site of an exorcism! It's going to be repossessed next week!
Where do ghosts hang out on Saturday nights? - All their old haunts!
Did you hear about the ghost who was expecting a baby? - It was a phantom pregnancy
Why did the football team sign a ghost? - To boost team spirit
What happened when the ghosts went on strike? - A skeleton staff took over.
I just bought a boomerang from a poltergeist! - That'll come back to haunt me!
My house was once the site of an exorcism! It's going to be repossessed next week!
Where do ghosts hang out on Saturday nights? - All their old haunts!
Did you hear about the ghost who was expecting a baby? - It was a phantom pregnancy
Why did the football team sign a ghost? - To boost team spirit
What happened when the ghosts went on strike? - A skeleton staff took over.
I just bought a boomerang from a poltergeist! - That'll come back to haunt me!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
I hate going to funerals. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!
I've just been to my cousin's funeral. He was killed after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service!
Should crematoriums give discount to burns victims?
I saw half a dozen guys wandering around a cemetery carrying a coffin and looking confused. I thought to myself, those guys have lost the plot.
Undertakers are the last people to let you down.
Our local cemetery has raised its burial costs. What's worse is that they blame the cost of living!
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside the coffin started yelling "I'm not dead, I'm not dead!"
To which the vicar shouted back, "Sorry the paperwork has already been done!"
I've just been to my cousin's funeral. He was killed after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service!
Should crematoriums give discount to burns victims?
I saw half a dozen guys wandering around a cemetery carrying a coffin and looking confused. I thought to myself, those guys have lost the plot.
Undertakers are the last people to let you down.
Our local cemetery has raised its burial costs. What's worse is that they blame the cost of living!
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside the coffin started yelling "I'm not dead, I'm not dead!"
To which the vicar shouted back, "Sorry the paperwork has already been done!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
I thought we ought to clear up some definitions today
Buoyant - a male insect
Camelot - where humped beasts are parked
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Coffee - someone who is coughed upon
Deliberate - take back to prison
Dulcet - boring tennis match
Exorbitant - a costly satellite that has fallen out of the sky
Eyebrows - what I do when I go shopping
MORE TOMORROW!!
Buoyant - a male insect
Camelot - where humped beasts are parked
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Coffee - someone who is coughed upon
Deliberate - take back to prison
Dulcet - boring tennis match
Exorbitant - a costly satellite that has fallen out of the sky
Eyebrows - what I do when I go shopping
MORE TOMORROW!!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
A few more quick definitions
Farcical - a long ride on a bicycle
Fjord - a Norwegian car
Heroes - what a man in a boat does.
Hormone - complaint from a hooker
Impolite - a burning elf
Kangaroo - a spiritual advisor for metal food containers
Migraine - a possessive farmer talking about his wheat
Octopus - an eight-sided cat
Farcical - a long ride on a bicycle
Fjord - a Norwegian car
Heroes - what a man in a boat does.
Hormone - complaint from a hooker
Impolite - a burning elf
Kangaroo - a spiritual advisor for metal food containers
Migraine - a possessive farmer talking about his wheat
Octopus - an eight-sided cat
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
To complete the A-Z of definitions ......
Paradox - two doctors (one for DrD)
Protein - in favour of youth
Stalemate - an old spouse
Thesaurus - a dinosaur with a great vocabulary
Vanish - like a sort of van
Willy-nilly - impotent
Yearning - a Texan's current salary (perhaps Walt can explain that one!)
Paradox - two doctors (one for DrD)
Protein - in favour of youth
Stalemate - an old spouse
Thesaurus - a dinosaur with a great vocabulary
Vanish - like a sort of van
Willy-nilly - impotent
Yearning - a Texan's current salary (perhaps Walt can explain that one!)
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Subject for today - MONEY
I recently came into some money. What a waste of a fiver (I thought it was a tissue)!
I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a brand-new home - it was the box from my new 65ins TV.
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours!
Whenever I go near a bank, I get withdrawal symptoms.
Materialism is buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people who don't matter.
I recently came into some money. What a waste of a fiver (I thought it was a tissue)!
I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a brand-new home - it was the box from my new 65ins TV.
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours!
Whenever I go near a bank, I get withdrawal symptoms.
Materialism is buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people who don't matter.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
I hate Political Correctness!
Being Politically Correct means always saying you are sorry.
I don't buy fat-free milk, I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I am not stupid - I suffer from minimal cranial development.
I am not lazy, I and energetically declined
I am not clumsy, I am uniquely coordinated.
I do not have a beer belly, I have developed a liquid grain storage facility
I am NOT weird - I am behaviourally different
I am not drunk - I am chemically inconvenienced.
Being Politically Correct means always saying you are sorry.
I don't buy fat-free milk, I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I am not stupid - I suffer from minimal cranial development.
I am not lazy, I and energetically declined
I am not clumsy, I am uniquely coordinated.
I do not have a beer belly, I have developed a liquid grain storage facility
I am NOT weird - I am behaviourally different
I am not drunk - I am chemically inconvenienced.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Very quick one for all you nurses/doctors out there.......
"Of course I won't laugh!" said the nurse, "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and proceeded to drop his trousers and underpants revealing the smallest male organ the nurse had EVER seen. It had length and breadth the same size as a AAA battery (sorry don't know the US equivalent).
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just slipped out.Then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing!
Feeling awful that she had started laughing at the man's genitals, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I'm so sorry" she said," "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen!" said Fred
At that point the nurse ran out of the room.
"Of course I won't laugh!" said the nurse, "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and proceeded to drop his trousers and underpants revealing the smallest male organ the nurse had EVER seen. It had length and breadth the same size as a AAA battery (sorry don't know the US equivalent).
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just slipped out.Then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing!
Feeling awful that she had started laughing at the man's genitals, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I'm so sorry" she said," "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen!" said Fred
At that point the nurse ran out of the room.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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