Joke Thread

[WalterB]

This picture was recently posted on FB by a friend.

Chicken.jpg (50.8 KiB) Viewed 46 times

It was followed by this comment from a fellow named Ed: "FACT: Fastest land animal in the world is the "Ethiopian Chicken""

Well, not believing that, I did a little research. Here is my response:

Ed, "When it comes to running, a chicken has nothing to be ashamed of, especially when you consider her size. A chicken can run 9 mph on her little legs, which is slower than your cat and potentially faster than your dog, depending on what breed of dog he is. Despite her wings and feathers, she runs better than she flies."
https://animals.mom.me/how-fast-does-a- ... 15693.html

A Cheetah can run 68 - 75 mph. And, if a cheetah were chasing me, I'm betting I could run 69 - 76 mph. lol.

I googled "How fast is an Ethiopian chicken?" and all that came up were 27,700,000 chicken recipes, none of which specified "Ethiopian chickens." Most just said "boneless, skinless chicken breasts" (nationality not mentioned, lol.) Looks to me that, as fast as an Ethiopian chicken might be, Ed, it apparently isn't fast enough to outrun a frying pan, LOL.

Personally, I would LOVE to see a chicken run 70 mph. That would be hilarious, and probably Youtube worthy.

[WalterB]

I'm always joking and you're always wondering. Well, here's the facts:

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humor suggests that I'm 12, while my body keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

[PeterL22]

This picture was recently posted on FB by a friend.

Chicken.jpg

It was followed by this comment from a fellow named Ed: "FACT: Fastest land animal in the world is the "Ethiopian Chicken""

Well, not believing that, I did a little research. Here is my response:

Ed, "When it comes to running, a chicken has nothing to be ashamed of, especially when you consider her size. A chicken can run 9 mph on her little legs, which is slower than your cat and potentially faster than your dog, depending on what breed of dog he is. Despite her wings and feathers, she runs better than she flies."
https://animals.mom.me/how-fast-does-a- ... 15693.html

A Cheetah can run 68 - 75 mph. And, if a cheetah were chasing me, I'm betting I could run 69 - 76 mph. lol.

I googled "How fast is an Ethiopian chicken?" and all that came up were 27,700,000 chicken recipes, none of which specified "Ethiopian chickens." Most just said "boneless, skinless chicken breasts" (nationality not mentioned, lol.) Looks to me that, as fast as an Ethiopian chicken might be, Ed, it apparently isn't fast enough to outrun a frying pan, LOL.

Personally, I would LOVE to see a chicken run 70 mph. That would be hilarious, and probably Youtube worthy.

What do you get if you cross Col Sanders with Diana Ross??



Chicken Supreme!!

[PeterL22]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Imagine if the Earl of Kirkcudbright, Dumfries and Galloway had invented the sandwich!!

Imagine a snowman coming to life. now imagine him wearing a hat and scarf to keep warm.

Some people hear voices, some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever!

[WalterB]

While installing a new door, I found one of the hinges missing. I asked my wife if she would go to Home Depot to pick one up. She said she would.

While waiting for the Manager to finish serving another customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom faucets - one for the sink and one for the bath tub.

When the Manager was ready to help my wife, she asked, "How much are those faucets?"

The Manager replied, "They are gold plated faucets and very expensive! $5,000 each!" Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of my price range!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge I had sent her to buy.

The Manager said he had them in stock and their price was $3.49. He went to the backroom to get them.

From the backroom, the Manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucets."

This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[danamend]

An American automaker is planning on building a sports car in Norway, called the Fjord Mustang.

[PeterL22]

I'm a pessimist.

I know I'm a pessimist because my blood group is B Negative

I went to the AGM of the UK Pessimists' Society last week, it was very disappointing - the room was half empty.

Last week I forgot how to ride my bicycle

Into every life some rain must fall - usually when the sunroof of your car is open

Always borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.

[danamend]

What do you call a penis shaped potato? A dick tater

[Davest]

Every time I go to town this bike shows up and runs me over. It's a vicious cycle.

[WalterB]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Johnnie."

[WalterB]

10 Fun Facts:

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.

2. You can't count your hair.

3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You just tried #3.

6. When you did #3, you found that it WAS possible, except you looked like a dog.

7. You're smiling right now, because you were tricked.

8. You skipped #5

9. You just checked to see if there IS a #5.

10. You just counted to see if there were 10, and found there were only 9.

Have a nice day. Laugh a lot. It'll help you stay young (Really!)

[PeterL22]

Snake jokes? Glad you asked!

What do you call a snake who works for the British Government - a Civil Serpent

Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he told them to go out of the ark and multiply? - They couldn't, cos they were adders!

I had an Indian friend who worked with cobras - Everyone liked him cos he was so charming!

Why did the boa constrictors get married? - cos they had a crush on each other

My friend was bitten by a rattlesnake, and I tried to save him by telling him an amusing story. If I'd known the difference between antidote and anecdote, I expect he would still be alive today



Go on you've missed these/me really

[PeterL22]

Plastic surgery??

When it comes to plastic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up!

Dr Dave was sacked from his job as a Plastic Surgeon for using Helium instead of Silicone - it all went tits up.

I gave my wife plastic surgery - I cut up her credit cards

Does anyone have any tips on how to reverse plastic surgery? I'm all ears!

A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where you can pick your nose in public.

When two plastic surgeons opened for business in the same street, there were a few raised eyebrows.


Most people who have plastic surgery are disappointed with the results, although they always look pleasantly surprised!

[PeterL22]

Nobody likes the 'cello right?!?

Why did the chicken cross the road - to get away from the 'cello recital

What's the difference between a cellist and a dog? - the dog knows when to stop scratching!

How can you tell if a 'cello is out of tune? - The bow is moving.

The latest crime wave in New York? - drive-by cello recitals

What does a 'cello and a lawsuit have in common? - Everyone is relieved when the case is closed!

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a Mini with three 'cellos in it? - You could fit in at least one more

What's the difference between a 'cello and a viola? - The 'cello burns longer.

[PeterL22]

I hate bagpipes - ALWAYS sound out of tune! Irish pipes I love (and you can drink whilst playing them ) and Northern English Uillean (?spelling) pies great - bagpipes - NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Why do bagpipers walk when they are playing? - they are trying to get away from the noise!!

Definition of a gentleman? - someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't!

What's the difference between a set of bagpipes and a Harley Davidson? - you can tune a Harley

How is playing the bagpipes like throwing the javelin blindfolded? - You don'y have to be very good to get everyone's attention.

Definition of perfect pitch with the bagpipes? - Getting them in the skip first throw!

[WalterB]

Are you sure you want to be an attorney?

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th .
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: Al lof them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[PeterL22]

LIFE

The trouble with life is that there is no background music

Monday isn't a good way to spend 1/7th of your life

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

The best way to find your niche in life is to live in a crevice

I've turned my life around! I used to be depressed and miserable; now I'm miserable and depressed.

Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it!

Life - it's just an F in lie!

[PeterL22]

Remember - IT'S A PUPPET!!!!


Children's TV used to be so good

[PeterL22]

Wanna make a bet?

I bet you £689.44 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie!

Did you hear about the leper who was playing poker? He threw his hand in.

Why is Las Vegas so crowded? - Nobody has the fare to leave it.

My wife left me because I was a compulsive gambler; I'd do anything to win her back.

Poker players: lull your opponents into a false sense of security by shouting "SNAP" on the first hand.

[PeterL22]

Friends

My friend can't take a joke. I put superglue on his darts last week, and he still can't let it go.

I had a serious talk with my friend about the past, the present and the future. It was tense

I was jealous of my mate when I saw him holding hands with a giant lollipop and a big box of chocolates. Then I realised they were just arm candy!!

My friend Daniel wouldn't believe me when I told him his name was an anagram. He's in denial.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate!