Who needs psychiatrists when you have bartenders?
A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed; "I'm not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I'm too ashamed to ask for help."
A patron nearby overhears, and introduces himself, "I overheard your story and I'm a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first step is to recognise that these are dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here is my card, give me a call."
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy,"Hi! How goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope all is well?"
The other guy says, "Things are great the bartender helped me.."
Psychiatrist, "The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what could the bartender do for you that trained psychiatrist couldn't?"
The other guy said, "He told me to saw the legs off my bed!"
I talked with a homeless man today and asked him how he ended up this way.
He answered, "Until last week I had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head. I had HDTV and the internet, and I went to the gym, the pool and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him and asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh nothing like that!" he said, "Because of Coronavirus I was paroled!"
Joke Thread
PeterL22 wrote: ↑April 7th, 2021, 10:40 am
:
:
I talked with a homeless man today and asked him how he ended up this way.
He answered, "Until last week I had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head. I had HDTV and the internet, and I went to the gym, the pool and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him and asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh nothing like that!" he said, "Because of Coronavirus I was paroled!"
Some of Pete's posts illuminate long forgotten shadows and dark crevices in my memory:
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison someone locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own bathroom.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are sometimes sadistic.
At work there are Managers.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Reminds me of the classic Irish joke :-
How do you get an Irishman confused?
Lean two shovels against a wall and ask him to take his pick!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Now we're allowed to go shopping again ...........
Yesterday, I bought a new fridge magnet.
They really work!
So far I've got 11 fridges.
I went to the paper shop this morning, but it had blown away.
The sign at the supermarket checkout said : "Eight items or less".
So I canned my name to Les
The staff at my local supermarket are so bad that when I used the self-service checkout, I was named Employee of the Month
I walked up to the cheese counter ......... which interrupted him so he had to start again.
Just bought a Lord of the Rings-themed kitchen.
My wife loves the hob bit!
Yesterday, I bought a new fridge magnet.
They really work!
So far I've got 11 fridges.
I went to the paper shop this morning, but it had blown away.
The sign at the supermarket checkout said : "Eight items or less".
So I canned my name to Les
The staff at my local supermarket are so bad that when I used the self-service checkout, I was named Employee of the Month
I walked up to the cheese counter ......... which interrupted him so he had to start again.
Just bought a Lord of the Rings-themed kitchen.
My wife loves the hob bit!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
"An old farmer was pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and he started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket.
As he wrote he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are" he said. "I never heard of circle flies before though."
"Oh, they are pretty common on farms" said the farmer. "We call them circle flies because they are always circling the back end of a horse."
"I see" the trooper said as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden he stopped and looked at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute; are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no officer" said the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well that's a good thing" said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer continued, "Hard to fool them flies though."
As he wrote he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are" he said. "I never heard of circle flies before though."
"Oh, they are pretty common on farms" said the farmer. "We call them circle flies because they are always circling the back end of a horse."
"I see" the trooper said as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden he stopped and looked at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute; are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no officer" said the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well that's a good thing" said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer continued, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Today's offering .........
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a buzzing sound come from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter on the bed in her underwear with a vibrator!
"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!"
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter in her underwear on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What the heck are you doing?", he cried.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later,the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Superbowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the sofa.
"What in the heavens are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied.........
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a buzzing sound come from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter on the bed in her underwear with a vibrator!
"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!"
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter in her underwear on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What the heck are you doing?", he cried.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later,the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Superbowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the sofa.
"What in the heavens are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied.........
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
Stolen from a Facebook friend:
I don't know about you, but when I'm alone and with nothing to do my mind goes to work wondering about things. Maybe you can give me some answers to these questions.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Since bread is square why is sandwich meat round?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
"What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why do people pay to go up to the top of tall buildings and the put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come you chose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America?
Once you're in heaven do you get stuck with wearing the clothes you were buried in for all eternity?
Why do you have to put your two cents in, but it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where does that extra penny go?
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours?
And the one that really gets to me...why do doctors call their work practice?
I don't know about you, but when I'm alone and with nothing to do my mind goes to work wondering about things. Maybe you can give me some answers to these questions.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Since bread is square why is sandwich meat round?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
"What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why do people pay to go up to the top of tall buildings and the put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come you chose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America?
Once you're in heaven do you get stuck with wearing the clothes you were buried in for all eternity?
Why do you have to put your two cents in, but it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where does that extra penny go?
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours?
And the one that really gets to me...why do doctors call their work practice?
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
James Bond walks into a bar.
He takes a seat next to a really attractive blonde lady (wonder who that could be!)
He gives her a quick glance, and casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The blonde notices this and asks, "Is you date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state of the art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued lady says "A state of the art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The blonde says, "OK, so what's it telling you now?"
"Well it says that you're not wearing any panties!"
The woman giggles and replies, "I guess it must be broken, because I AM wearing panties."
Bond smiles, taps his watch and says ............
"Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
He takes a seat next to a really attractive blonde lady (wonder who that could be!)
He gives her a quick glance, and casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The blonde notices this and asks, "Is you date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state of the art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued lady says "A state of the art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The blonde says, "OK, so what's it telling you now?"
"Well it says that you're not wearing any panties!"
The woman giggles and replies, "I guess it must be broken, because I AM wearing panties."
Bond smiles, taps his watch and says ............
"Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
I know Walt likes cowboys (in a purely platonic kind of way), so here is a classic Lone Ranger joke!!
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy indian war party.
The indian chief proclaims, "So you are the great Lone Ranger? In honour of the Spring Festival, you will be sacrificed in three days, but before I kill you , I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I'd like to speak to my faithful horse Silver!"
The Chief nods.
Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger who whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back!
As the indian chief watches the blonde enters the tent where the Lone Ranger is being held and spends the night.
The next morning the indian chief admits that he is impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days! What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and again he whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and gallops away over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette , more attractive than the blonde!
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night!
The following morning the indian chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents , but I will still kill you tomorrow! What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I would like to speak to my horse again, alone."
The chief is curious, but he agrees.
Silver is brought to the tent.
Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs the horse by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says ...........
"Listen very carefully, FOR THE LAST TIME, I SAID ............
"BRING POSSE!"
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy indian war party.
The indian chief proclaims, "So you are the great Lone Ranger? In honour of the Spring Festival, you will be sacrificed in three days, but before I kill you , I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I'd like to speak to my faithful horse Silver!"
The Chief nods.
Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger who whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back!
As the indian chief watches the blonde enters the tent where the Lone Ranger is being held and spends the night.
The next morning the indian chief admits that he is impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days! What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and again he whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and gallops away over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette , more attractive than the blonde!
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night!
The following morning the indian chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents , but I will still kill you tomorrow! What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I would like to speak to my horse again, alone."
The chief is curious, but he agrees.
Silver is brought to the tent.
Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs the horse by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says ...........
"Listen very carefully, FOR THE LAST TIME, I SAID ............
"BRING POSSE!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
Blonde jokes - but this time blonde men this time:
"Blond men aren't all that bright Bobby. A friend told a blond man that Christmas was on a Friday that year and the blond man said, "Let's just hope it isn't on the thirteenth."
Two blond men find three hand grenades and they decide to take them to the police station. One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there" and the other said, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND" and he spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blond man's dog went missing and he was frantic. His wife said "Why don't you put an ad in the paper." He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked. "Here boy!" he replied.
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No" he shouts, this is her husband."
A blond hillbilly won a bass boat in a local raffle. He brought it home and his wife looks at it and then says to him, "Whatcha gonna do with that there thing. There ain't no water within two hunert miles of here."
He says to her, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother, also a blond, came over several days later, saw the wife and asked where his brother was. "He be out there in his bass boat" she said pointing to the field out behind the barn. The brother looks out to the field and sees his brother in the middle of the field sitting in a boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yelled out to him: "What in all tarnation are you doing out there?"
His brother replied, "What the hell does it look like I'm a-doin. I'm fishen."
His brother yelled back at him, "Its fools like you that give us folks from West Virginia a bad name and makin ever body think we're stupid. If I could swim I'd come out there and whip you."
"Blond men aren't all that bright Bobby. A friend told a blond man that Christmas was on a Friday that year and the blond man said, "Let's just hope it isn't on the thirteenth."
Two blond men find three hand grenades and they decide to take them to the police station. One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there" and the other said, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND" and he spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blond man's dog went missing and he was frantic. His wife said "Why don't you put an ad in the paper." He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked. "Here boy!" he replied.
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No" he shouts, this is her husband."
A blond hillbilly won a bass boat in a local raffle. He brought it home and his wife looks at it and then says to him, "Whatcha gonna do with that there thing. There ain't no water within two hunert miles of here."
He says to her, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother, also a blond, came over several days later, saw the wife and asked where his brother was. "He be out there in his bass boat" she said pointing to the field out behind the barn. The brother looks out to the field and sees his brother in the middle of the field sitting in a boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yelled out to him: "What in all tarnation are you doing out there?"
His brother replied, "What the hell does it look like I'm a-doin. I'm fishen."
His brother yelled back at him, "Its fools like you that give us folks from West Virginia a bad name and makin ever body think we're stupid. If I could swim I'd come out there and whip you."
A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.
He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm.
‘ The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.
‘ The Agriculture representative said, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
‘ The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:
‘Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!’
And on a lighter note:
Sign on the fence around a farmer's field: "Farmer lets you cross for free but the bull charges."
He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm.
‘ The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.
‘ The Agriculture representative said, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
‘ The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:
‘Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!’
And on a lighter note:
Sign on the fence around a farmer's field: "Farmer lets you cross for free but the bull charges."
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session for the first time.
The group was made up of three young mothers and their small children, and the aim of the group was to find out their problems and solve them.
The session started, and the psychiatrist got up, turned to face them and said, "Everyone has their own problems. These are different for each individual, but we often unconsciously leave small clues as a cry for help."
"With that in mind let me try to guess your problems."
"By looking at the roster today, I see that you all have obsessions." he continued.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother , "Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your daughter's name. You called her Penny."
At this point the third mother hurriedly got up, took her little boy's hand and whispered ...........
"Come on Richard, let's go!"
The group was made up of three young mothers and their small children, and the aim of the group was to find out their problems and solve them.
The session started, and the psychiatrist got up, turned to face them and said, "Everyone has their own problems. These are different for each individual, but we often unconsciously leave small clues as a cry for help."
"With that in mind let me try to guess your problems."
"By looking at the roster today, I see that you all have obsessions." he continued.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother , "Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your daughter's name. You called her Penny."
At this point the third mother hurriedly got up, took her little boy's hand and whispered ...........
"Come on Richard, let's go!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Very quick joke I just heard on the radio!
How did the Australian Police know that the surfer who had been attacked by a shark had dandruff?
Because they found his head and shoulders on the beach.
How did the Australian Police know that the surfer who had been attacked by a shark had dandruff?
Because they found his head and shoulders on the beach.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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