Joke Thread

[PeterL22]

A mother is driving her young daughter to visit a friend for a sleepover.
"Mummy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age.", replies the mother, "It's not polite!"
"OK," the little girl asks, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really!", the mother says, "Those are personal questions, and really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions young lady.Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two girls begin to play.
"My mummy won't tell me anything about her." says the little girl to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "That's easy! All you have to do is to look at her driving licence. It's like a report card with everything on it!"
Later that evening, the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32"
The mother is surprised, and asks "How do you know that?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is beyond surprise and shock now!
"How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And, "says the little girl triumphantly, "I even know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Oh really," asks the mother, "Why?"






"Because you got an F in sex!"

[PeterL22]

OK Lance, you got it, another Blonde joke!

A blind man walks into a bar and finds his way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately goes deathly silent.
In a husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a six foot tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is blonde and he is a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro-wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The guy pauses for a second then replies;
"Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times!"



A blonde needing to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as an odd-job woman and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs that needed doing.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and materials that she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, who was inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it!"
A short time later the blonde knocked on the door and asked for her $50.
"You've finished already?", the man asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!"
Really impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.
"And, by the way," said the blonde, "It's not a porch, it's a Ferrari!!"

[lance_s]

OK Lance, you got it, another Blonde joke!

:
:

Really impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.
"And, by the way," said the blonde, "It's not a porch, it's a Ferrari!!"

I've heard this one in the dumb teenager category. Still a good joke though.

[PeterL22]

And now a visual one-liner!

VIDEO-2020-06-19-06-59-062.mp4

(213.47 KiB) Downloaded 2 times

[lance_s]

Have you ever felt like strangling one of those loud mouth cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or any other place and forcibly share their private call with you? I figured out all you have to do is take part in the call. It was just yesterday that it happened to me again. I'd had a hard day at work and I found a seat and settled in just as the bus departed. As the bus pulled out into traffic the guy sitting next to me pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart. I'm on the bus."

"Yes, I do know that it is six-thirty and not four-thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, no honey, not with that floozie from Accounting."

"No sweetheart, you are the only one in my life."

"Yes I'm sure sweetie, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later he was still talking and I finally got fed up with it and I yelled:

"Hey Eric; Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed."

[stickyvicky]

Some of these are definitely instagram worthy!

[ErikB]

The show "8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown" deserves a post in its own right. For now, I just wanted to find a clip of Holly Walsh giving a presentation on marginalia, which include naughty drawings some monks drew in the margins of manuscripts. Channel 4 has put together a short collection of Holly Walsh's best stuff from the show. The clip starts with her dating skit.
0:00 badgers and other short quips
2:00 mascot
2:55 dating - British vs. American
6:05 venn diagrams
8:15 medieval manuscripts and marginalia
9:35 sleeping positions and your relationship

phpBB [media]

[stickyvicky]

Another one I never heard of! I must live a very sheltered life, lol...

[WalterB]

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[lance_s]

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

A very old man is being interviewed about the secret to his long life. He replies that its because he’s a life-long non-smoking celibate teetotaler who’s always followed the motto of early to bed and early to rise. The interviewer smells smoke coming from the adjoining room and the sounds of carousing. “What’s all that?” she asks. “Oh”, replies the old man, “that’s dad starting his drinking and smoking and carousing with the ladies. He's up with them till all hours every night."

[ErikB]

Another one I never heard of! I must live a very sheltered life, lol...

Not necessarily. I only found out about this show via a YouTube suggestion within the last year, even though Wikipedia indicates its primary run was from 2013 to 2017. I think the Wikipedia page needs updating, because I have seen episodes that include COVID accomodations. I also only found out about Time Team (an archeology show focused on British history) within the last year, even though it ran from 1994 to 2014. I haven't had television or cable for many years now, so YouTube is probably the only way I was ever going to find out about these shows.

I think this compilation, which is 2 hours and 17 minutes long, was the first I ever saw of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown:

phpBB [media]

Rewatching it, I almost think it belongs over on the WTF thread.

[PeterL22]

Again, I thought that I would let one of all time comedy heroes do the work today!
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/BGASvVqzOa0/newmedia]

[lance_s]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie taxi drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a taxi to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[ErikB]

Again, I thought that I would let one of all time comedy heroes do the work today!
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/BGASvVqzOa0/newmedia]

Dave Allen was great! We used to watch his show. He lost the tip of one of his fingers in an accident, and would come up with various jokes about how he lost it. My favorite was the one where he would just casually be manipulating his glass, then pull his hand up, look at his finger, look at the glass, and proclaim "Strong drink!"

He also said the people occasionally asked him why he told jokes about God but not The Devil. His reply was "Well I don't want them BOTH mad at me!"

[ErikB]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie taxi drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a taxi to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

Nice! I didn't see the first and last ones coming.

[lance_s]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Students: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"



My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

[PeterL22]

Again, I thought that I would let one of all time comedy heroes do the work today!
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/BGASvVqzOa0/newmedia]

Dave Allen was great! We used to watch his show. He lost the tip of one of his fingers in an accident, and would come up with various jokes about how he lost it. My favorite was the one where he would just casually be manipulating his glass, then pull his hand up, look at his finger, look at the glass, and proclaim "Strong drink!"

He also said the people occasionally asked him why he told jokes about God but not The Devil. His reply was "Well I don't want them BOTH mad at me!"

I liked the haunted house explanation - the one where he bit it off!!

[PeterL22]

Two Texans die and end up in Hell.
The Devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them chatting and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they're so happy.
They tell him, "Well, it's cold where we come from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, goes away and goes to Hell's boiler room where he cranks up the temperature really high.
He goes back to the Texans' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Texans having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they are doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting the barbecue out!"
Satan realises he's been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns the thermostat down to a temperature never seen on earth!
He knows that he's won now, so he goes back to the Texans' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL SO HAPPY!!!!!!????"
They look at him and shout at the same time ............






"Hell froze over so that must mean The Cowboys won the Superbowl!"

[ErikB]

I liked the haunted house explanation - the one where he bit it off!!

I didn't remember that one. Thank you, YouTube!

[PeterL22]

I liked the haunted house explanation - the one where he bit it off!!

I didn't remember that one. Thank you, YouTube!

Basically, a lot of his act was about religion ....
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/jxo81Ok9Urk/newmedia]