Joke Thread

[PeterL22]

Irish jokes - here's an expert!
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/2Yt0KN7Rx_o/newmedia]

[PeterL22]

Thinking of classic jokes/sketches etc - how about the wonderful "Farty Towels"? (Fawlty Towers !
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/tcliR8kAbzc/newmedia]

[PeterL22]

I love a magician and I would love to be taught how to do this!!!
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/H5CHFyNbtgE/newmedia]

[PeterL22]

English lessons for Americans Part 1
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw/newmedia]

[lance_s]

English lessons for Americans Part 1
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw/newmedia]

And its not just Americans. Here in Canada I am constantly explaining to my clients that in addition to delivering on the contract for which they hired me, I have a secondary mission to teach the natives to speak proper English.

[WalterB]

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.
I hate Sprint!!

Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.

As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I was still lost ….

[PeterL22]

English lessons for Americans Part 1
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw/newmedia]

And its not just Americans. Here in Canada I am constantly explaining to my clients that in addition to delivering on the contract for which they hired me, I have a secondary mission to teach the natives to speak proper English.

Do they understand the concept of a "Fortnight" in Canada - apparently the Yankees don't!

[PeterL22]

[newmedia]https://youtu.be/cVV3QQ3wjC8/newmedia]

[lance_s]

English lessons for Americans Part 1
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw/newmedia]

And its not just Americans. Here in Canada I am constantly explaining to my clients that in addition to delivering on the contract for which they hired me, I have a secondary mission to teach the natives to speak proper English.

Do they understand the concept of a "Fortnight" in Canada - apparently the Yankees don't!

I think fortnight is more widely understood in Canada than the US. But forget about guineas, stones or hundredweight.

[ErikB]

English lessons for Americans Part 1
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw/newmedia]

And its not just Americans. Here in Canada I am constantly explaining to my clients that in addition to delivering on the contract for which they hired me, I have a secondary mission to teach the natives to speak proper English.

Do they understand the concept of a "Fortnight" in Canada - apparently the Yankees don't!

I think fortnight is more widely understood in Canada than the US. But forget about guineas, stones or hundredweight.

I have heard people give their weight in stone (all on English television programs, I believe), but I never cared enough to look up the conversion. And I am sure there are plenty of Americans who have heard of Fortnight, but, like me, they may be more familiar with it as the name of a video game. I actually sorta remembered that it is also a unit of time, but I had to look it up to see what it actually is.

[lance_s]

English lessons for Americans Part 1
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw/newmedia]

And its not just Americans. Here in Canada I am constantly explaining to my clients that in addition to delivering on the contract for which they hired me, I have a secondary mission to teach the natives to speak proper English.

Do they understand the concept of a "Fortnight" in Canada - apparently the Yankees don't!

I think fortnight is more widely understood in Canada than the US. But forget about guineas, stones or hundredweight.

I have heard people give their weight in stone (all on English television programs, I believe), but I never cared enough to look up the conversion. And I am sure there are plenty of Americans who have heard of Fortnight, but, like me, they may be more familiar with it as the name of a video game. I actually sorta remembered that it is also a unit of time, but I had to look it up to see what it actually is.

I actually wasn't aware of it as a video game until this thread started!!

[lance_s]

The foreman on a factory floor heard one of the female workers yell out to a colleague: "Hey Jerk, pass me that spanner". He went over and told her that profanity and abusive language are not allowed in the workplace.

"But I wasn't being insulting", she responded. "That's my husband. His name's Jerk"

"Your husband" responded the foreman. "You shouldn't have told me that. Its against company policy to hire family members. Now I'm going to have to lay you or jerk off".

Vicky: I think this would be a good one for you to do on Instagram!!

[PeterL22]

English lessons for Americans Part 1
[newmedia]https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw/newmedia]

And its not just Americans. Here in Canada I am constantly explaining to my clients that in addition to delivering on the contract for which they hired me, I have a secondary mission to teach the natives to speak proper English.

Do they understand the concept of a "Fortnight" in Canada - apparently the Yankees don't!

I think fortnight is more widely understood in Canada than the US. But forget about guineas, stones or hundredweight.

I have heard people give their weight in stone (all on English television programs, I believe), but I never cared enough to look up the conversion. And I am sure there are plenty of Americans who have heard of Fortnight, but, like me, they may be more familiar with it as the name of a video game. I actually sorta remembered that it is also a unit of time, but I had to look it up to see what it actually is.

Bit of education here!
Interestingly enough, the Welsh for week is "wythnos" - which translates as eight (Wyth) nights (nos).!

[PeterL22]

The foreman on a factory floor heard one of the female workers yell out to a colleague: "Hey Jerk, pass me that spanner". He went over and told her that profanity and abusive language are not allowed in the workplace.

"But I wasn't being insulting", she responded. "That's my husband. His name's Jerk"

"Your husband" responded the foreman. "You shouldn't have told me that. Its against company policy to hire family members. Now I'm going to have to lay you or jerk off".

Vicky: I think this would be a good one for you to do on Instagram!!

So work it is Lance!

My girlfriend does odd jobs on a tower block.
Talk about high maintenance.

Did you hear about the woman whose husband got her a job as a human cannonball?
She went ballistic!

I went for a job as a blacksmith yesterday. He said , "Have you ever shooed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to b*gger off!"

The boss asked Vicky (blonde joke here) why she was late for work.
She replied: "There are eight people in our house, and the alarm was set for seven!"

I got sacked from my job at the fish bait factory for causing trouble.
It seems I opened a can of worms.

I used to be a watchmaker.
It was great job. I could make my own hours.

Till tomorrow ..............

[lance_s]

The foreman on a factory floor heard one of the female workers yell out to a colleague: "Hey Jerk, pass me that spanner". He went over and told her that profanity and abusive language are not allowed in the workplace.

"But I wasn't being insulting", she responded. "That's my husband. His name's Jerk"

"Your husband" responded the foreman. "You shouldn't have told me that. Its against company policy to hire family members. Now I'm going to have to lay you or jerk off".

Vicky: I think this would be a good one for you to do on Instagram!!

So work it is Lance!

My girlfriend does odd jobs on a tower block.
Talk about high maintenance.

Did you hear about the woman whose husband got her a job as a human cannonball?
She went ballistic!

I went for a job as a blacksmith yesterday. He said , "Have you ever shooed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to b*gger off!"

The boss asked Vicky (blonde joke here) why she was late for work.
She replied: "There are eight people in our house, and the alarm was set for seven!"

I got sacked from my job at the fish bait factory for causing trouble.
It seems I opened a can of worms.

I used to be a watchmaker.
It was great job. I could make my own hours.

Till tomorrow ..............

And to add a few...


I got a job as a human cannonball. It was a high calibre position. But I had a short fuse and got fired.

Inspecting mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.

I think my interview for the position of bug sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks.

I bend over backwards for people. So I got a job as a yoga instructor.

I had a job with Minute Maid, but was let go because I couldn't concentrate.

I love my job as a maze designer. I get completely lost in it.

[PeterL22]

My turn now Lance .........

If you can keep your head while all around you are losing theirs, have you ever considered a job as a guillotine operator?

Did you hear about the call-centre operator who was committed to an asylum?
His bosses said he had too many hang-ups!

Why did the man quit his job at the balloon factory?
He couldn't keep up with inflation.

A bus stops at a bus station, a train stops at a train station.
I have a work station.

My uncle has a great job as a diamond cutter. I asked him/her he worked.
He told me - Chase Field!

I once had a job as a lifeguard in a car wash.

On my first day as a club bouncer - they showed me the door.

[lance_s]

My turn now Lance .........

If you can keep your head while all around you are losing theirs, have you ever considered a job as a guillotine operator?

Did you hear about the call-centre operator who was committed to an asylum?
His bosses said he had too many hang-ups!

Why did the man quit his job at the balloon factory?
He couldn't keep up with inflation.

A bus stops at a bus station, a train stops at a train station.
I have a work station.

My uncle has a great job as a diamond cutter. I asked him/her he worked.
He told me - Chase Field!

I once had a job as a lifeguard in a car wash.

On my first day as a club bouncer - they showed me the door.

An alternative to your balloons: I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

And a few more:

I became a fisherman, but found I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.

I had a job at the zoo feeding giraffes, but was fired because I wasn't up to it.

I was going to get a job as a historian till I realized there was no future in it. Now I work as an astronomer and things are looking up.

[ErikB]

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
rarely were clean,
and the clean ones rarely were comical.

[Davest]

What do you call a retired Miner?
Doug.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus.
Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo straight to ICU.

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.

My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”

[PeterL22]

What do you call a retired Miner?
Doug.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus.
Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo straight to ICU.

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.

My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”

Another definition of Doug - man with a shovel in his head.

Old similar jokes -
What do you call a man with a baseball bat on his head - Edward.
What do you call a man with 2 baseball bats on his head - Edward Wood
What do you call a man with 3 baseball bats on his head - Edward Woodward (the REAL Equaliser)