This came from a FB post. I liked it, so altered it a bit and here it is.
Walt was seated next to Vicky on a flight to Podunk recently. After the flight was airborne, the Flight Attendant came around taking drink orders. Walt asked for a Jack Daniels, which he was immediately served.
The Flight Attendant then asked Vicky if she wanted a drink. Vicky doesn't drink, so she replied in disgust, "I"d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
Walt handed his drink back to the Attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Joke Thread
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31041
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- Contact:
You want to know what it's like at 77?
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $8.00
CHEESEBURGER: $10.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH $12.50
HAND JOB: $25.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has enough cash, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
.
.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $8.00
CHEESEBURGER: $10.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH $12.50
HAND JOB: $25.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has enough cash, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
.
- Golfer.png (635.82 KiB) Viewed 83 times
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."
I can resist everything except temptation.
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31041
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
There is a song from the '60's called "When You Walk in the Room." With that in mind, this is dedicated to the lovely Vicky Vette.
Marbles1.mp4- (4.85 MiB) Downloaded 7 times
I can resist everything except temptation.
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stickyvicky
- Commander in briefs
- Posts: 26474
- Joined: March 25th, 2005, 8:41 am
- Location: Southwest Florida
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That absolutely hilarious! Love it!
Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.
Sext with me & VNA Girls on Loyal Fans!
Julia - Samantha - Maxine - Cleo - Jelena - Sara - Maggie - Deauxma - ShandaFay -Siri - Rachel Storms
www.Twitter.com/vickyvette
www.Instagram.com/vickyvette
www.LoyalFans.com/vickyvette
www.Onlyfans.com/vickyvette
I need to golf at this golf course...WalterB wrote: ↑April 6th, 2020, 8:46 am You want to know what it's like at 77?
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $8.00
CHEESEBURGER: $10.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH $12.50
HAND JOB: $25.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has enough cash, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
.
Golfer.png
.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
I'll start back gently so you can acclimatise again .........
In the current health climate, there are some institutes testing new therapies. However, you should be warned!
A few years ago a friend of mine enrolled in a study to test the efficacy of mercury injections in the lower spine for pain relief.
Sadly, there were complications
On a hot day he was 6ft 5ins, and on a cold day he was 5ft 2ins.
In the current health climate, there are some institutes testing new therapies. However, you should be warned!
A few years ago a friend of mine enrolled in a study to test the efficacy of mercury injections in the lower spine for pain relief.
Sadly, there were complications
On a hot day he was 6ft 5ins, and on a cold day he was 5ft 2ins.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Politicians are jokes in themselves .........
How do you know when a politician is lying? (or lawyer for that matter)
His lips are moving.
What do you get when you ask Trump to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Three different answers!
The Prime Minister had a meeting with the cabinet today.
He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with a set of drawers.
All politicians should serve two terms.
One in office and one in prison!
How do you know when a politician is lying? (or lawyer for that matter)
His lips are moving.
What do you get when you ask Trump to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Three different answers!
The Prime Minister had a meeting with the cabinet today.
He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with a set of drawers.
All politicians should serve two terms.
One in office and one in prison!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
Rokker and Vicky were grocery shopping. Rokker picked up a case of beer and put it in the shopping cart.
"What are you doing?" asked Vicky.
"They're on sale. Only $10 for 24 cans," Rokker replied.
"We can't afford them. Put them back," demanded Vicky.
They continued shopping and a little later Vicky puts a $20 jar of face cream in the trolley.
"What are you doing?" asked Rokker.
"It's my face cream. It keeps me looking young and beautiful," Vicky replied.
"So does 24 cans of beer and its half the price!"
If you're looking for Rokker he can be found unconscious in Aisle 5.
"What are you doing?" asked Vicky.
"They're on sale. Only $10 for 24 cans," Rokker replied.
"We can't afford them. Put them back," demanded Vicky.
They continued shopping and a little later Vicky puts a $20 jar of face cream in the trolley.
"What are you doing?" asked Rokker.
"It's my face cream. It keeps me looking young and beautiful," Vicky replied.
"So does 24 cans of beer and its half the price!"
If you're looking for Rokker he can be found unconscious in Aisle 5.
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Love makes the world go round ............
My friend is in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel!
What's the definition of endless love?
Two blind guys playing tennis.
You know what breaks my heart?
High cholesterol
I'm in trouble with my wife after she asked where I was taking her on Valentine's Day".
Apparently, "over the coffee table" wasn't the correct answer.
I told my wife, "I love you ,plain and simple!"
She raged, "How dare you call me plain and simple!"
Finally, a quick question for Vicky .......
If love is blind,why is lingerie so popular??
My friend is in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel!
What's the definition of endless love?
Two blind guys playing tennis.
You know what breaks my heart?
High cholesterol
I'm in trouble with my wife after she asked where I was taking her on Valentine's Day".
Apparently, "over the coffee table" wasn't the correct answer.
I told my wife, "I love you ,plain and simple!"
She raged, "How dare you call me plain and simple!"
Finally, a quick question for Vicky .......
If love is blind,why is lingerie so popular??
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Some names for today.......
What do you call a woman with one leg
Eileen.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her gas bill?
Bernadette
What do you call a woman draped across the centre of a tennis court?
Annette
What do you call a woman with a subbed on her head?
Tanya
What do you call a woman tied to a jetty?
Maud
What do you call a man with 3 eyes?
Seymour
You know I enjoyed those so much there will be more (and even sicker) names tomorrow!±
What do you call a woman with one leg
Eileen.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her gas bill?
Bernadette
What do you call a woman draped across the centre of a tennis court?
Annette
What do you call a woman with a subbed on her head?
Tanya
What do you call a woman tied to a jetty?
Maud
What do you call a man with 3 eyes?
Seymour
You know I enjoyed those so much there will be more (and even sicker) names tomorrow!±
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
As promised sick "What do you call...." jokes.
They are very un-PC, so all those of you with a sensitive disposition look away now!
What do you call a man at your front door with no arms and no legs?
Matt
What do you call a man stuffed in a mailbox with no arms and no legs?
Bill
What do you call a guy in boiling water with no arms and no legs?
Stu
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of art!
They are very un-PC, so all those of you with a sensitive disposition look away now!
What do you call a man at your front door with no arms and no legs?
Matt
What do you call a man stuffed in a mailbox with no arms and no legs?
Bill
What do you call a guy in boiling water with no arms and no legs?
Stu
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of art!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Some riddles ........
What's pink wrinkly and hangs out your pants?
Your mother
What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum (you have all got dirty minds!)
What goes in dry, comes out wet and satisfies two people?
A tea bag (you really have got dirty minds!)
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
And my personal favourite!
What do you do with a wombat?
Play wom
What's pink wrinkly and hangs out your pants?
Your mother
What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum (you have all got dirty minds!)
What goes in dry, comes out wet and satisfies two people?
A tea bag (you really have got dirty minds!)
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
And my personal favourite!
What do you do with a wombat?
Play wom
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
More riddles I hear you ask ..........
What has 400 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row of a Justin Beiber concert (wow that shows my age)
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it on his own.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches ................
What's worse than a bull in a china shop?
A hedgehog in a condom factory.
And finally, a treat for all you A.A. Milne fans .....
What does Tigger have no friends?
Because he always plays with Pooh!
What has 400 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row of a Justin Beiber concert (wow that shows my age)
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it on his own.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches ................
What's worse than a bull in a china shop?
A hedgehog in a condom factory.
And finally, a treat for all you A.A. Milne fans .....
What does Tigger have no friends?
Because he always plays with Pooh!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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stickyvicky
- Commander in briefs
- Posts: 26474
- Joined: March 25th, 2005, 8:41 am
- Location: Southwest Florida
- Contact:
Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.Sext with me & VNA Girls on Loyal Fans!
Julia - Samantha - Maxine - Cleo - Jelena - Sara - Maggie - Deauxma - ShandaFay -Siri - Rachel Storms
www.Twitter.com/vickyvette
www.Instagram.com/vickyvette
www.LoyalFans.com/vickyvette
www.Onlyfans.com/vickyvette
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Time to talk about my new lockdown interest in martial arts (I don't actually have to fight anyone at the moment!!)
I'm kicking myself that I didn't take karate up earlier
I have a black belt in karate. I'm not very good, i just never wash it.
I have a black eye in karate
After half a dozen karate lessons, I can now break a 4 inch board with my plater cast!
Did you hear about the karate expert who joined the army?
The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
I'm kicking myself that I didn't take karate up earlier
I have a black belt in karate. I'm not very good, i just never wash it.
I have a black eye in karate
After half a dozen karate lessons, I can now break a 4 inch board with my plater cast!
Did you hear about the karate expert who joined the army?
The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Time for some music I think ......
What is "karaoke" Japanese for?
Tone deaf.
I've just written a song about a tortilla - actually it's more of a wrap.
Have you heard about the new hard rock band OCDC?
They play all their hits, but in alphabetical order,
At any time, the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight " is never more than a whim away!
(Bet that sticks in your mind all day)
I heard a man singing "Do ....Re ....Mi" the other day.
I thought "He'll go far!"
What has 300 legs and a dozen teeth?
In the UK, a Cliff Richards concert
In USA, a Willie Nelson concert.
Remember piracy is killing the music industry!
Well, you try playing a guitar with a hook!!!!!
What is "karaoke" Japanese for?
Tone deaf.
I've just written a song about a tortilla - actually it's more of a wrap.
Have you heard about the new hard rock band OCDC?
They play all their hits, but in alphabetical order,
At any time, the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight " is never more than a whim away!
(Bet that sticks in your mind all day)
I heard a man singing "Do ....Re ....Mi" the other day.
I thought "He'll go far!"
What has 300 legs and a dozen teeth?
In the UK, a Cliff Richards concert
In USA, a Willie Nelson concert.
Remember piracy is killing the music industry!
Well, you try playing a guitar with a hook!!!!!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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