Joke Thread
Politically Incorrect Blonde Jokes
She Was So Blonde That She ........
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
She Was So Blonde That She ........
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
So this lady was haranguing her husband because she came back home early to find him in bed with a sweet young thing when her charity board meeting had to be terminated early due to a power outage.
While the young lady was trying to get dressed and get out before she got walloped with frying pan, the husband was trying to explain what happened.
She'd nocked on the door asking if we had any leftover food because she hadn't eaten in days. I remembered that leftover ham in the fridge that we'd probably throw out, so I invited her in and warmed it up with some potatoes and broccoli from last night's dinner.
Then as she was about to leave, I noticed her coat was really threadbare so I offered her your green coat that was in the pile of stuff you were going to take to goodwill. The coat you absolutely had to have then decided after wearing it once the colour didnt suit you.
Then she saw the slacks you going to donate as well, the ones that your fat ass doesn't fit in any more. She tried on a pair and they were perfect for her. So I went to round up a bag for her to take the clothes in. Just as she was leaving, she turned me and asked "Is there anything else here that your wife doesn't use"?
While the young lady was trying to get dressed and get out before she got walloped with frying pan, the husband was trying to explain what happened.
She'd nocked on the door asking if we had any leftover food because she hadn't eaten in days. I remembered that leftover ham in the fridge that we'd probably throw out, so I invited her in and warmed it up with some potatoes and broccoli from last night's dinner.
Then as she was about to leave, I noticed her coat was really threadbare so I offered her your green coat that was in the pile of stuff you were going to take to goodwill. The coat you absolutely had to have then decided after wearing it once the colour didnt suit you.
Then she saw the slacks you going to donate as well, the ones that your fat ass doesn't fit in any more. She tried on a pair and they were perfect for her. So I went to round up a bag for her to take the clothes in. Just as she was leaving, she turned me and asked "Is there anything else here that your wife doesn't use"?
I'm pretty sure I've posted this before, but in view of Walt's joke it bears repeating:
Lady on shop floor yells out to a co-worker, "Hey Jerk, hand me that spanner". The foreman hears this and comes hurrying over.
Foreman: "No swearing or insulting anyone at work. You can't call someone a jerk."
Lady: "I wasn't insulting. His name's Jerk. I know, he's my husband."
Foreman: "You shouldn't have told me that. Its against company policy to employ family members. Now I'll have to lay you or jerk off."
Punctuation saves lives.
It's the difference between "Let's eat, Grandpa!" and "Let's eat Grandpa!"
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
- rokkerr
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Jimmy and Johnny
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."
Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."
Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"
wearing my cockring 24 hours a day
- stickyvicky
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Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.
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Sext with me & VNA Girls on Loyal Fans!
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www.Twitter.com/vickyvette
www.Instagram.com/vickyvette
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- WalterB
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Another post reminded me of these old dogs.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a pool table, racked his balls.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, not recognizing The Lone Ranger disguised as a busted wall, plastered his crack.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a TV set, polished his knob.
Meanwhile, back at the fort, General Custer was beating off the Indians.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger declared, "Well, Tonto, there's Indians to the left of us, there's Indians to the right of us, there's Indians in front of us and behind us. It looks like we're done for."
Tonto replied, "What you mean, "we," White man."
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a door, pulled his knob.
And a couple others:
An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".
She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".
The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a curtain, yanked his rod.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a Coke, sucked his straw.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a pool table, racked his balls.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, not recognizing The Lone Ranger disguised as a busted wall, plastered his crack.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a TV set, polished his knob.
Meanwhile, back at the fort, General Custer was beating off the Indians.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger declared, "Well, Tonto, there's Indians to the left of us, there's Indians to the right of us, there's Indians in front of us and behind us. It looks like we're done for."
Tonto replied, "What you mean, "we," White man."
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a door, pulled his knob.
And a couple others:
An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".
She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".
The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a curtain, yanked his rod.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger, not recognizing Tonto disguised as a Coke, sucked his straw.
I can resist everything except temptation.
- WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
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Matt was asking me about my previous avatar, which was one Benny made with my face superimposed on Vicky Lawrence dressed as Mama. It was started as a 'character' I did here for a short while as "Mabel." Go to the members panel (look at the "Quick Links" at the upper left and select "Members." Then search for Mabel.)
The name "Mabel" came from a commercial I heard in Detroit back in about 1969. The commercial was for Carling Black Label Beer. I don't remember the commercials, but, at the end, a somewhat gruff voice would say, kind of from the background, "Get off the Table, Mabel, the quarter's for the beer." I thought that was hilarious, and it has stuck with me.
. .
That reminded me of pretty much the funniest clip ever presented. It is a clip from The Carol Burnett Show. "Mama" started as a character on Carol's show. In this particular clip, Carol, Vicky (as Mama,) Tim Conway and Dick Van Dyke are doing a skit as "Mama's Family." In the middle of the skit, Tim starts telling a story about elephants. It is so funny, the others found it nearly impossible to stifle their own laughter and stay in character. Watch to the end. The very end is where the kicker is.
And this is the story behind that segment.
.
The name "Mabel" came from a commercial I heard in Detroit back in about 1969. The commercial was for Carling Black Label Beer. I don't remember the commercials, but, at the end, a somewhat gruff voice would say, kind of from the background, "Get off the Table, Mabel, the quarter's for the beer." I thought that was hilarious, and it has stuck with me.
. .
That reminded me of pretty much the funniest clip ever presented. It is a clip from The Carol Burnett Show. "Mama" started as a character on Carol's show. In this particular clip, Carol, Vicky (as Mama,) Tim Conway and Dick Van Dyke are doing a skit as "Mama's Family." In the middle of the skit, Tim starts telling a story about elephants. It is so funny, the others found it nearly impossible to stifle their own laughter and stay in character. Watch to the end. The very end is where the kicker is.
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And this is the story behind that segment.
.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
Thanks Walter,
I've got some humour of my own to share on this thread.
It's more an insight into the Australian mindset (where I'm from) than an actual joke, but there are those who do find it amusing:
In Melbourne we have a swimming pool called the 'Harold Holt Memorial Pool' named after a Prime Minister of ours who drowned in 1967. (Conspiracy theories exist saying he was taken by a Chinese submarine)
In Ballarat (Victoria) we have a fountain dedicated to Australian explorers Burke and Wills - who died of thirst on their last expedition.
Australians on this site may already know all this but any from outside/elsewhere might find it peculiar that we have such monuments dedicated in such inappropriate seeming ways.
A handful of links....
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Ho ... ing_Centre
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disappear ... arold_Holt
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burke_and ... expedition
https://ballaratrevealed.com/tour.php?a ... tour_id=13
I've got some humour of my own to share on this thread.
It's more an insight into the Australian mindset (where I'm from) than an actual joke, but there are those who do find it amusing:
In Melbourne we have a swimming pool called the 'Harold Holt Memorial Pool' named after a Prime Minister of ours who drowned in 1967. (Conspiracy theories exist saying he was taken by a Chinese submarine)
In Ballarat (Victoria) we have a fountain dedicated to Australian explorers Burke and Wills - who died of thirst on their last expedition.
Australians on this site may already know all this but any from outside/elsewhere might find it peculiar that we have such monuments dedicated in such inappropriate seeming ways.
A handful of links....
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Ho ... ing_Centre
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disappear ... arold_Holt
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burke_and ... expedition
https://ballaratrevealed.com/tour.php?a ... tour_id=13
- rokkerr
- Army Chief of Staff "Number One"
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Fascinating reading Matty... I have been wanting to get to Australia for years and Covid certainly hasn't helped that effort...
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- WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
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Funny Commercials: Let's face it. I'd say that 90% of commercials suck eggs. NO one likes them. But, despite all that, every once in awhile some one makes one that people like to watch. There's a commercial that involves dancing that seems quite popular. Well, this one was, I don't know, cute?
It's a commercial for a breath gum - "Extra?" The guy meets a girl. Next he's sitting on her bed while she is off doing something. The voice over talks about the gum. Then, the kicker. At the end, he's sitting there. A picture of the gum pops up along with the words, "Chew it before you do it!"
Well, I thought it was cute
It's a commercial for a breath gum - "Extra?" The guy meets a girl. Next he's sitting on her bed while she is off doing something. The voice over talks about the gum. Then, the kicker. At the end, he's sitting there. A picture of the gum pops up along with the words, "Chew it before you do it!"
Well, I thought it was cute
I can resist everything except temptation.
- WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
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Not too long ago there was a nutrition craze and McDonalds took a hit. I know I quit going. But I like some of their sandwiches, so I went back this afternoon. I ate a kids meal.
It was actually pretty good. But, boy, his mother sure was pissed.
It was actually pretty good. But, boy, his mother sure was pissed.
I can resist everything except temptation.