Depression during Lockdown

[CaribbeanZack]

I have to start at a point where you can get the gravity of my depression

I have been dealing with depression from the time I was 16 yrs old from the moment when I had to hold my Mom’s hand as she died, watching the only person who truly understood me take her last breath sent me into a world of darkness. I was a total mama’s boy.

My Father, we had what you can consider a love/hate relationship but he was a great Dad there was nothing he would not do for you unless it was not good for you. We used to butt heads a lot but as much as we butt heads was as much as we got along, and when we teamed up we were a force you would want on your side. Eight years ago my Dad got dementia and it hit him hard and aggressive he only lasted 3 years with it (I had to take care of my dad all by myself, but that is a whole other story), It was very hard to watch the man that taught you how to do things get confused and frustrated trying to do those very things, it’s been 5 years since he passed. I remained in the home we rented to this day.

Before Covid came around I had about 3 Respiratory tract infections because the company I worked for kept the air conditioning poorly … you could clearly see dust caked up in the vents. I was sent home for most of that year (I had to quit that job because they were killing me) and during that period I could barely feed myself and pay the bills, I had a choice to pay the rent and have no utilities or food so I choose to eat and have the ability to have internet so I could communicate and find work I had no idea it would take so long to find a full time job (which I still don’t have) and had no clue the world would be hit by a pandemic.

So when covid hit, I already had weight on my shoulders. Naturally I am a people’s person but I am also an introvert, so the lockdown was not bad at first. But as time drew on, being lockdown bared it weight on me. I learned some brutal lessons during this period, I learned that when you lose certain things or the ability to do certain things “friends” and “family” step back and turn their backs, as a song I listen to basically said “lose what you have, and see who gives a fuck” I lost a lot during this period .. Friends, family, my financial stability. And I face the chance of being kicked out of the home I’ve been in for over 37 years sent me into a world of depression.

Vicky you are right I found that exercise helps to relieve the weight that depression bares on you, it also helps you to think clearer, and keeping a routine also helps. Recently I came to the notion I will treat this situation as a challenge and a teaching moment. I will not let this be the end of me, I learned also not to fully depend on employment and to become self-employed and also it is also okay to ask for some help sometimes. I am very glad that I got the opportunity to meet all of you, you all have taught be so much, and gave me encouragement and helped me in so many ways. I truly appreciate you all and I thank you for being here with me in these darkest of times. You all are truly wonderful people.

[LizLemon85]

So sorry to hear that Zack! I already knew about some of the challenges you face, but that's a lot. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this, you're a cool guy and seeing this as a challenge and as an opportunity to learn, you have a great attitude!
(I know that health care is free where you live, maybe you could get some help regarding your mental health as well. Everyone needs a little help sometimes!)

[CaribbeanZack]

Thanks Liz, I appreciate your swift response to my post, and thank you for your warm wishes, for the short time that I have known you, you clearly show that you are a genuinely nice person with a warm heart. I will take your advice and seek attention for my mental health, but what im scared of is getting anti-depressants (My dad was on that after my Mom died,and the side effects were not good) but I will try and get help there. Thanks for the push.

[WalterB]

You are all wonderful people.

Well, not me, Zack. I'm kind of an ass sometimes. But, I try,

But I can imagine how exercise of some sort could help. Believe me, when you get up here where I am, you'll wish that you were in the habit. I can feel the weakness, and it bugs me. I've always been a bit of a loner. So not going out hasn't bothered me. But I wonder how things would be if I were 20 or 30. It's certainly a different world.

But, Zack, in my case, I look at my life as a movie. Mainly when I moved from one place to another, I had "movies." The "movie" covers certain segments of your life. Maybe a certain relationship changes, maybe a certain job or whatever. So, at whatever time, I can look back to each segment of my life. I had good times. I had bad times. And, yes, I had some just average times.

But there have been ups and downs all my life. At one time, my dinner was eating day old donuts out of a dumpster behind a donut shop. I've slept in alleys, in farmers fiends, a lot of places. Slept for about a week in a closed off bathroom in a 24-hour laundromat. But the thing is, I never lost faith. I don't remember ever being worried. I DID keep looking forward. I mean, whatever situation I was in, I was always focused on getting a job and moving forward. Sounds like that's what you're doing - not giving up and continuing to look for ways to move forward.

This is long and probably doesn't relate a lot to you. We have totally different lives and situations. What I am hoping to do is let you know that 'keeping the faith' is most important. There will be ups and there will be downs. The secret, to me is to not let it get to you. I know that is very hard. But you have to have faith. Faith in what? Faith in yourself. Things may look bad, but I fully believe that good times are always out there. It may take work to get there, but, someday, something will happen and you will start moving forward.

I think what you are doing trying to start your own business is a good thing. I remember sitting in Denver thinking, "Come on, people will buy anything." But I simply could not come up with a decent idea. When I did have what I thought were good ideas, I would never follow thru. After I retired and moved here, when things got a little rough, I saw something that made me think I could be an event photographer. I saw something about someone who had started a job photographing people at parties, weddings, whatever events, then print them out and sell them right there. It didn't take anything to do it. I even went as far as to buy a portable picture printer. It's still sitting in my bedroom gathering dust. I've looked it over, but haven't printed even one picture. The idea died right there. I could never move forward. Is that something you could think about? In today's world our phones have fantastic cameras. If you don't have a 35mm camera, your phone should work fine. Printers now come portable, wireless and battery powered. Contract with whomever to set up, take pictures of folks and print them out right there. With 5"x7" prints, you should be able to please a lot of people. Maybe sell the prints for $5? $6 or $7?

But, anyway, my life finally got better and I feel pretty good now. I'm not living in a fancy 4-bedroom house up on the side of the mountain. I'm not driving a new fancy car. But I am happy. I have food to eat, can afford my rent, and am getting better and better.

So my belief is that things will always get better. You are doing good. Looking for work, for jobs, looking into starting your own business. Businesses start out slow. But if you work at it, they will grow. And things will look better. And you will make it.

[WalterB]

"... what I'm scared of is getting anti-depressants (My dad was on that after my Mom died, and the side effects were not good) but I will try and get help there. Thanks for the push.

If medicine gives you side effects, tell your doctor and switch to something else. It should be easy to do.

[CaribbeanZack]

So my belief is that things will always get better. You are doing good. Looking for work, for jobs, looking into starting your own business. Businesses start out slow. But if you work at it, they will grow. And things will look better. And you will make it.

Wow WalterB, I had no idea you been through so much, it's very sad to hear hoe you got your daily meals and where you had to sleep. But it makes my happy straight to my soul that you are better now. Your story certainly gives me hope and faith that better days will come once I work hard for it.
Thank you for your story, you are very brave for telling it too.

[CaribbeanZack]

If medicine gives you side effects, tell your doctor and switch to something else. It should be easy to do.

I will, thanks for your input, still a little scared honestly but I will seek help soon.

[WalterB]

Thank you for your story, you are very brave for telling it too.

For some reason I've never really worried about life, Zack. I've just handled what life threw at me and dealt with it. There's a helluva lot of people in this world that have it much worse than I do. So I am always thankful for whatever I have. I've never cared what people thought of me. I don't think I've ever tried specifically to live my life to please someone else. My life is my life, and I think I'm a somewhat decent person.

So, if someone wants to like me, let's go party and move ahead. If you don't like me? Sorry about that, but I'll move on to happier times. I love my friends, but certainly am not going to like everyone and not everyone is gonna like me (what the hell's WRONG with you people? ) So, everything in my life has been a learning experience. I am 77 (and a half, lol) and I can tell you that it's true. You really DO learn something new every day. So all you gotta do is keep an open mind and keep an eye on the world around you.

[CaribbeanZack]

Thank you for your story, you are very brave for telling it too.

You really DO learn something new every day. So all you gotta do is keep an open mind and keep an eye on the world around you.

Very True WalterB, I cant remember the name of the soldier that said this but he said "If there is one thing that is constant in this world is change, learn to embrace change"

One of the hardest things to do is to turn a negative into a positive, and to turn the bad and evil things people do into a understanding that they are ignorant and oblivious to the harm they cause and to pity and forgive them. Not the forgiveness in the sense of letting them know you let go of the situation, forget and move on. But in the sense you personally letting go of the situation and freeing yourself of the anguish that it caused - to relieve yourself and let that As******le be what they are, but you never forget but don't harbour that feeling.

[Andrew35]

sorry you've been thru a lot Zack

[CaribbeanZack]

sorry you've been thru a lot Zack

Thanks Andrew35

[Davest]

If medicine gives you side effects, tell your doctor and switch to something else. It should be easy to do.

I will, thanks for your input, still a little scared honestly but I will seek help soon.

If we had an infection or pain or a stomach problem and our doctor thought pills would help, we would all take them without question and let the doctor know if there were any side effects or if they didn't work. Just treat depression and other brain problems the same way. It's difficult, because society (for some reason) likes to think brain stuff is different. But just give yourself a talk and let yourself know it's the same as any medical prescription.

[CaribbeanZack]

I will, thanks for your input, still a little scared honestly but I will seek help soon.
[/quote]
If we had an infection or pain or a stomach problem and our doctor thought pills would help, we would all take them without question and let the doctor know if there were any side effects or if they didn't work. Just treat depression and other brain problems the same way. It's difficult, because society (for some reason) likes to think brain stuff is different. But just give yourself a talk and let yourself know it's the same as any medical prescription.
[/quote]

True Davest, I'm guilty. You have made a very good point and you have calmed my fear a bit, thanks for the pep talk

[WalterB]

" ...let that As******le be what they are, but you never forget but don't harbor that feeling.

Two major rough times in my life, Zack. When my wife left and took my 2 Y.O. son with her. Losing him was rough, her not so much. We didn't have a good marriage and she proved that I would have been the better parent. But thru it all, my son turned out just fine. He's a good man and we get along great.

I even considered moving back to Detroit to be near him, but I'm glad now I didn't. I stayed in touch with him (she moved back from Denver to Detroit,) as much as I could and I brought him to Denver for his annual summer and Thanksgiving/Christmas visits. And now we have a fantastic relationship. He lives about a 5 hour drive from me, so I go out 2 or 3 times a year to dog-sit for him while he travels somewhere. Going again in about a week. I'll go a day early and come home a day later so we'll have a couple days to hang out and relax.

Losing the woman in Dallas, was hard. To this day I don't know what happened. But again, we were working 12-hour days, so I didn't have a lot of time to grovel. But I did. Probably took me a month to get over the worst. She wrote after 4 or 5 weeks all happy and "how ya doing?". She sent a couple of old pictures, said she had found them and wondered if I wanted others she had found. I just answered in one line: "I am not interested in anything you have or anything you have to say. If you have things you don't want, I would suggest you throw them in the trash." And that's the last I ever heard from her.

So, see, Zack? Things do get rough. I know it's hard, but that, to me, makes it easier to get over. You have to be able to overlook the 'hardness' and look for ways to stay above things. Staying occupied is a great way. It keeps your mind focused on other things. I always look at situations like that as "your loss." That also helps me get thru. "It's your loss, not mine."

[CaribbeanZack]

" ...let that As******le be what they are, but you never forget but don't harbor that feeling.

So, see, Zack? Things do get rough. I know it's hard, but that, to me, makes it easier to get over. You have to be able to overlook the 'hardness' and look for ways to stay above things. Staying occupied is a great way. It keeps your mind focused on other things. I always look at situations like that as "your loss." That also helps me get thru. "It's your loss, not mine."

That is a good coping mechanism too, what I meant by remember -is to know not to go back and make the same mistake especially with the same person.
Here is a video that explains the type of forgiveness I mean

[LizLemon85]

So after Cherie DeVille wrote an article on mental health issues for the Daily Beast about a week ago (https://www.thedailybeast.com/porn-star ... lth-crisis),
London River posted this video on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CMU0TXDFx6 ... copy_link
(She also posted a link on Twitter which she has since deleted.)
I think it's awesome that more and more people talk about the mental health issues that they're dealing with, I hope that the pandemic will cause a change of people's approach to mental health problems which will last after we're finally through this. (Or maybe people will freak out and we'll have World War 3, what the hell do I know, but I'm rarely ever optimistic, so please don't burst my bubble lol.).
Hope everyone here is doing well!

[lance_s]

So after Cherie DeVille wrote an article on mental health issues for the Daily Beast about a week ago (https://www.thedailybeast.com/porn-star ... lth-crisis),
London River posted this video on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CMU0TXDFx6 ... copy_link
(She also posted a link on Twitter which she has since deleted.)
I think it's awesome that more and more people talk about the mental health issues that they're dealing with, I hope that the pandemic will cause a change of people's approach to mental health problems which will last after we're finally through this. (Or maybe people will freak out and we'll have World War 3, what the hell do I know, but I'm rarely ever optimistic, so please don't burst my bubble lol.).
Hope everyone here is doing well!

Maybe Meghan Markle's interview with Oprah will help too.

[CGYMike]

I'm getting close to biting the head off of a live chicken !!!!

[mrwheels]

i can't really comment intelligently about staying at home during lockdown

as you know i have cerebral palsy so i stay at home all the time regardless if its lockdown or not...the one silver lining is when this lockdown is over for everyone else...they will understand more sympathically what my life is all the time

the way i cope with it is 2 ways....

first the internet is a truly wonderful thing...i can communicate with the rest of the world and they can communicate with me...hopefully im more often awesome than a idiot most of the time...that is why i love VNA it gives me a community of friends and also naked women...this is the closest i will ever get to sex and seeing naked women in person...and i have made friends with a lot of extraordinary women like vicky liz and zany

but here is the super bitter awful pill that i was forced to swallow against my will....i had to make peace that i will never experience the full scope of life...most people say what they want to do once the world gets back to normal...i can't do that

so you have to block out the world outside and kiss it goodbye...and you start creating your own world inside your house...the best way to describe it is i am always in a spaceship in space....you can't just leave at 5 pm on friday to go to the strip club with the guys

that was the hardest part of my life..i can never compare my life to what other people take for granted

the trade off is since you can't judge your life and activities like other people its hard to get depressed about the things you are missing

it makes you a very strong person

i need to thank vicky....she holds my hand all the time...and she is teaching me how to interact with people....im very rusty i haven't done that for 30 years

i think of her as a true friend

you are well loved by me and everyone here

i love you

i feel like matt damon on mars but im lucky to have friends here :)