A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires
monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then?' *
My New Spot For Joke Of The Week Guys!
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
When JulieJewel first moved waaayyyy up North, to BumFuck, Canada, she wanted to be a real Canuck. So she went to the local bar and had a drink. She was talking to a couple of the locals. "So, how do I get to be a real Canuck?"
Seeing a great opportunity, they replied, "Well, it's pretty easy. First, you have to drink a gallon of Canadian whiskey. Then you have to dance with a Kodiak Bear, and then go fuck a Canadian doctor."
"Shit," she said. "That's easy. Gimme that whiskey." So they brought her a gallon of the best Canadian Mist and a glass. "No glass," she said, as she upended the bottle and began guzzling. Took her all of three minutes, but she got it down.
She slammed the bottle down, turned around and said "Ok, where's that bear?" They pointed toward the back door, so she staggered over, opened the door and walked out. Suddenly, there was a very loud banging and crashing. Something bounced off the wall and shook the building. More banging and crashing, thunderous noise and commotion. Then suddenly, all got quiet. Everyone was watching the back door.
Suddenly the door slammed open. In walked Julie, her hair disheveled, her shirt torn, her pants on backwards, staggering as she walked. Everyone watched incredulously as she stopped and drug her arm across her mouth.
She grabbed the bar for support, then pushed herself erect. "All right, Dammit. Thash two! Now where's dat damn Doctor I'm supposed to dance with!!"
Seeing a great opportunity, they replied, "Well, it's pretty easy. First, you have to drink a gallon of Canadian whiskey. Then you have to dance with a Kodiak Bear, and then go fuck a Canadian doctor."
"Shit," she said. "That's easy. Gimme that whiskey." So they brought her a gallon of the best Canadian Mist and a glass. "No glass," she said, as she upended the bottle and began guzzling. Took her all of three minutes, but she got it down.
She slammed the bottle down, turned around and said "Ok, where's that bear?" They pointed toward the back door, so she staggered over, opened the door and walked out. Suddenly, there was a very loud banging and crashing. Something bounced off the wall and shook the building. More banging and crashing, thunderous noise and commotion. Then suddenly, all got quiet. Everyone was watching the back door.
Suddenly the door slammed open. In walked Julie, her hair disheveled, her shirt torn, her pants on backwards, staggering as she walked. Everyone watched incredulously as she stopped and drug her arm across her mouth.
She grabbed the bar for support, then pushed herself erect. "All right, Dammit. Thash two! Now where's dat damn Doctor I'm supposed to dance with!!"
I can resist everything except temptation.
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Ok, so it's clean. So, shoot me. I'm old! 
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy.
"Magic beer," the guy says.
"Oh, yeah? What's so magical about it?"
The guy proceeds to show him. He drinks some beer, jumps off the roof, flies around the building and returns to his seat.
"Amazing! Lemme try some of that," the guy says. He grabs the beer, downs it, leaps off the roof, and falls 30 feet to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head and says to the first guy, "You know? You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy.
"Magic beer," the guy says.
"Oh, yeah? What's so magical about it?"
The guy proceeds to show him. He drinks some beer, jumps off the roof, flies around the building and returns to his seat.
"Amazing! Lemme try some of that," the guy says. He grabs the beer, downs it, leaps off the roof, and falls 30 feet to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head and says to the first guy, "You know? You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
I can resist everything except temptation.
Awesome jokes guys! 
3 friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex. The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!" <<<< that would be me lol!
3 friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex. The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!" <<<< that would be me lol!
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
According to one of Vicky's interviews, this is the best joke she ever heard. I felt it bears repeating.
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
An oldie but a goodie from HornyDevil:
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
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why is dyslexia so hard to spell?
why does bottled mineral water that has been in the ground for thousands of years have a use by date on it?
why is it called a cold when you get a fever?
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
---------
why is dyslexia so hard to spell?
why does bottled mineral water that has been in the ground for thousands of years have a use by date on it?
why is it called a cold when you get a fever?
Last edited by WalterB on June 18th, 2014, 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
She turns around and says 'Ralph, for the FIFTH FOOKIN' time, CHICKEN!
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
She turns around and says 'Ralph, for the FIFTH FOOKIN' time, CHICKEN!
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h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,
talking about life... In-between, we talked about the
idea of living or dying.
I said to her:
'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect
all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer,
the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!
talking about life... In-between, we talked about the
idea of living or dying.
I said to her:
'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect
all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer,
the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!
OMG Walt LOL I am tearing up here reading over everything!!!! Thanks for posting you guys love the jokes!!!
Two old ladies were walking down the sidewalk and saw two people having sex on the lawn of a nice big house. This upset the two ladies so they went up and tapped on the door. A lady opened the door and asked if she could help them. They pointed at the couple and asked if she knew they were fucking on the front lawn. She said "yes. This is a whore house and today we're having a yard sale!" wink wink!!! LOL
Two old ladies were walking down the sidewalk and saw two people having sex on the lawn of a nice big house. This upset the two ladies so they went up and tapped on the door. A lady opened the door and asked if she could help them. They pointed at the couple and asked if she knew they were fucking on the front lawn. She said "yes. This is a whore house and today we're having a yard sale!" wink wink!!! LOL
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sugerdaddy
- Master Sergeant
- Posts: 891
- Joined: February 13th, 2014, 11:43 pm
- Location: Sydney, Australia
I woke up early morning to watch the world cup. as it was 2.00am I rose out of bed in the nude.
went to the lounge, turned the TV on and sat on the sofa.
As I sat down a strawberry lodged up my ass hole. Complaining and mooning about who the fuck had left it there.
I watched the game.
Later that morning I went to the Doctors.
The Doctor asked "what is the problem"
I said "I have a strawberry stuck up my ass".
He said "don't worry I give you cream for that".
went to the lounge, turned the TV on and sat on the sofa.
As I sat down a strawberry lodged up my ass hole. Complaining and mooning about who the fuck had left it there.
I watched the game.
Later that morning I went to the Doctors.
The Doctor asked "what is the problem"
I said "I have a strawberry stuck up my ass".
He said "don't worry I give you cream for that".
Smile and the world will smile with you.
Sugerdaddy
Sugerdaddy
Sugerdaddy....my oh my lol that was a pegging joke! lol good one
I have a really good one for you guys. Its pics of my dogs. My new dog pony has been getting along with the two other dogs great. They are all females and of course I know animal instincts kick in there is nothing you can do. Anyway I was blow drying my hair the other day and heard something weird so I peeked out and saw this.....I had to grab my phone cause it looked hilarious and when I said "NO" this is the shot I took...now they are best of friends
I have a really good one for you guys. Its pics of my dogs. My new dog pony has been getting along with the two other dogs great. They are all females and of course I know animal instincts kick in there is nothing you can do. Anyway I was blow drying my hair the other day and heard something weird so I peeked out and saw this.....I had to grab my phone cause it looked hilarious and when I said "NO" this is the shot I took...now they are best of friends
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
We went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it, so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label. He didn't like that either. So I had it, too.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and the Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
We went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it, so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label. He didn't like that either. So I had it, too.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and the Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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sugerdaddy
- Master Sergeant
- Posts: 891
- Joined: February 13th, 2014, 11:43 pm
- Location: Sydney, Australia
A young married lady was talking to her mother about getting a divorce. Mom was perplexed and asked her what was wrong.
young lady said she doesn't like anal and when she was first married her ass hole was the size of a 5 cent piece.
Her mom said but what seems to be the problem. Your husband buys you jewelry, takes you overseas on holidays, you have lovely home over looking a beach.
She said yes mom that's true but after 2 years my ass hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece.
My God shouted the mother, so you're going to divorce him for 50 cents.
young lady said she doesn't like anal and when she was first married her ass hole was the size of a 5 cent piece.
Her mom said but what seems to be the problem. Your husband buys you jewelry, takes you overseas on holidays, you have lovely home over looking a beach.
She said yes mom that's true but after 2 years my ass hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece.
My God shouted the mother, so you're going to divorce him for 50 cents.
Smile and the world will smile with you.
Sugerdaddy
Sugerdaddy
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h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays." -- Henny Youngman
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sugerdaddy
- Master Sergeant
- Posts: 891
- Joined: February 13th, 2014, 11:43 pm
- Location: Sydney, Australia
Hi Shanda on Twitter today you asking about songs with dick in the line. So her is the children's nursery rhyme.
Humpty dick Dumpty, sat on a dick.
Humpty dick Dumpty's, cock got hard and thick.
All the kings whores, and all the kings men.
couldn't get Humpty's dick soft again.
So their you are a nursery rhyme straight from the Bawdy Book of big children's stories.
Humpty dick Dumpty, sat on a dick.
Humpty dick Dumpty's, cock got hard and thick.
All the kings whores, and all the kings men.
couldn't get Humpty's dick soft again.
So their you are a nursery rhyme straight from the Bawdy Book of big children's stories.
Smile and the world will smile with you.
Sugerdaddy
Sugerdaddy
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