My New Spot For Joke Of The Week Guys!

[WalterB]

Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Fred , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[CGYMike]

Hahahaha....Connie and I are in stitches.

As I read it back to Connie she burst into laughter...Your comic timing was perfect.


Cheers and good luck on your diet

[Connie]

I can so see this happening even in my store because sometimes we sit back and scratch our heads, about how people make it to the store because they seems to have left their common sense at home. I know we all wear badges so asking us "if we work at the store" mayn't be the smartest thing out of your mouth. The fact that I wear more keys then the average person and I open up cases with these keys, mayn't be the right time for "do you work here". I fact that I wear a radio and that there is constant noise coming from it. The red vests are another way to have us stick out, and again the first thing we hear is (you know it) " do you work here". But sadly the thing we have noticed more than that lately is how people come to the store in there PJ's and seem to be totally ok with this. It is like the discussion to go shopping was a last minute one and they had no time to get dressed, comb their hair or change out of there slippers. We use to laugh at the Walmart People but sadly we could take just as many pictures of the sad way people walk into our store. All I'm asking if any of the people on the foroum shop at Costco please take a few minutes and take notice of the people you see while going up and down our aisles and think should they have given themselves a few more minutes to get ready before leaving the house. Hehe I hope I'm not talking to any PJ people.

[Fr33Sprt]

I can so see this happening even in my store because sometimes we sit back and scratch our heads, about how people make it to the store because they seems to have left their common sense at home. I know we all wear badges so asking us "if we work at the store" mayn't be the smartest thing out of your mouth. The fact that I wear more keys then the average person and I open up cases with these keys, mayn't be the right time for "do you work here". I fact that I wear a radio and that there is constant noise coming from it. The red vests are another way to have us stick out, and again the first thing we hear is (you know it) " do you work here". But sadly the thing we have noticed more than that lately is how people come to the store in there PJ's and seem to be totally ok with this. It is like the discussion to go shopping was a last minute one and they had no time to get dressed, comb their hair or change out of there slippers. We use to laugh at the Walmart People but sadly we could take just as many pictures of the sad way people walk into our store. All I'm asking if any of the people on the foroum shop at Costco please take a few minutes and take notice of the people you see while going up and down our aisles and think should they have given themselves a few more minutes to get ready before leaving the house. Hehe I hope I'm not talking to any PJ people.

I could never do that, that's why the invented sweat pants or hell even jogging outfits!

[WalterB]

Posted two places. Wanted both ladies to see it.

Why Grandpa's are better

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? This loving grandfather always made a effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time--pancakes, ice cream, candy--just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

His wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun at all."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[WalterB]

CGYMike is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife Connie, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Connie, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. As CGYMike slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

Connie replies, "The asshole had a paper route."

[Fr33Sprt]

Always Keep Up To Date With Your Eye Exams.....For Your Spouse's Sake!

[WalterB]

"I can't teach sex ed. I'm a virgin."

"We know."

"What? How do you know?"

"You thought a blow job was a fancy hair-do."

"It isn't?"

[WalterB]

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part, which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes in ShandaFay's joke thread.

[ShandaFay]

Just some funnies I saw on the web.

[Fr33Sprt]

That Facebook 1.....

[WalterB]

Big thanks to Dawn Marie on Twitter:

Child spits food out onto plate.

Mom: "Hey, we don't spit. If it's in your mouth, you swallow it."

Dad: *Raises Eyebrows*

Mom: "Shut the fuck up!"

[Fr33Sprt]

Via Nikki Benz's Snapchat:

What's All The Same With The Clitoris, An Anniversary & The Toilet...... Men Miss All 3!



I Also Saw This The Other Day

[Alexander23985]

Haha this

[mikesline]

What is the differance between peggy bundy to peggy fay ??? about 12inches

[catalina2]

Hillary Clinton - I feel the Bern....... Thanks a lot, Bill (Monica Lewinsky)

This girl tells me to put my right hand into her vagina and I do. She then says "put your left hand into my vagina" and I do. Can you clap your hands. "No", I say. "See, I told you I was getting tight"!!!!

[mikesline]

How Do German's Tie There Shoes ?

In Little Nazi's

[Fr33Sprt]

Too Funny!

[WalterB]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,

"I have a .45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!”

[WalterB]

ShandaFay called Nix in, as she was having terrible trouble typing. "Nix, I can't seem to type anything right. Can you help, dear? Every time I sit down to type, it's almost like Walt is typing. What would make all this come up on my computer screen?

123490=\qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm

Nix leaned over her shoulder and immediately spotted Shanda's problem.

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