JOKE OF THE DAY....
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
HA!
funny Dan !
funny Dan !
-
rokkerr
- Army Chief of Staff "Number One"
- Posts: 13010
- Joined: March 11th, 2006, 8:45 am
- Location: London, Los Angeles and now Tampa!
- Contact:
A Cabbie & A Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party my outfit is just an old habit."
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party my outfit is just an old habit."
wearing my cockring 24 hours a day
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Q. Where is the bathroom on the Enterprise ?
A. Same as any other ship: the poop deck
A. Same as any other ship: the poop deck
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Q. How do pranksters masturbate ?
A. They use their joy buzzers
A. They use their joy buzzers
10 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS
1. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
2. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
3. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
4. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
5. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
6. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
7. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
8. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
9. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
10. Get that lady from North Dakota to hand out nasty letters to all the chubby kids.
Seriously, did you see that story?http://whnt.com/2013/10/30/north-dakota ... halloween/ The folks who live there are saying it's a prank http://www.abcactionnews.com/dpp/news/l ... tion-prank, but still. The fact that it's so believable is just so wrong.
Happy Halloween!
1. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
2. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
3. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
4. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
5. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
6. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
7. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
8. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
9. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
10. Get that lady from North Dakota to hand out nasty letters to all the chubby kids.
Seriously, did you see that story?http://whnt.com/2013/10/30/north-dakota ... halloween/ The folks who live there are saying it's a prank http://www.abcactionnews.com/dpp/news/l ... tion-prank, but still. The fact that it's so believable is just so wrong.
Happy Halloween!
I like this one too.
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks, as sweet as can be.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right?! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks, as sweet as can be.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right?! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
A girl with an unusual problem...
There was a young girl with knobbly knees,
who had an orgasm whenever she sneezed.
Her name was Vicky and she had some fun,
when her nose went twitchy, she looked at the sun.
Her nasal cavity it itched and it scratched,
a tightening below - there was something attached.
But her breath just caught as she tipped her head back,
she wanted to sneeze but had not the knack.
She tried really hard but instead of sneezing,
nothing happened, her body just teasing.
Her doctor she went to see with her issue,
He sprinkled some pepper and gave her a tissue.
There was a young girl with knobbly knees,
who had an orgasm whenever she sneezed.
Her name was Vicky and she had some fun,
when her nose went twitchy, she looked at the sun.
Her nasal cavity it itched and it scratched,
a tightening below - there was something attached.
But her breath just caught as she tipped her head back,
she wanted to sneeze but had not the knack.
She tried really hard but instead of sneezing,
nothing happened, her body just teasing.
Her doctor she went to see with her issue,
He sprinkled some pepper and gave her a tissue.
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Ugly baby joke
"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen! ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off-go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen! ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off-go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
its 2013, we don't say stereotypes anymore we say 7.1types
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Q. what happens if you type 5318008 in a calculator and you flip it upside down ?
A. it spells BOOBIES !
A. it spells BOOBIES !
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Cookies?
Cookies !!!!! NOMNOMNOMnomnomnom
Cookies !!!!! NOMNOMNOMnomnomnom
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
How do dragons celebrate their birthday ?
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner
-- Rita Rudner
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A. The rooster
A. The rooster
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
"it shows you how bad the economy is, they used to be my jewels now they're my junk." --Jay Leno
-
h0rnytoad1
- Lieutenant General (3-Star)
- Posts: 12235
- Joined: September 17th, 2007, 11:45 pm
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "
And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "
And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
-
- Free VNA Live Camshows
