OK, seeing as you asked - some more riddles ......
What does Colombia produce that no other country produces?
Colombians
What's the only thing you can look down on and approve of at the same time?
Cleavage!!!!
What did Speedy Gonzales have beneath his carpet?
Underlay, underlay.
What's the difference between a pheromone and a hormone?
You can't hear a pheromone.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to his assistant when he saw the yellow door?
It's a lemon entry Watson!
Joke Thread
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
A couple of quick Covid19 themed ones today ........
Great idea to pass the social isolation boredom!
Place a drink in every room of the house and have a Social Isolation Pub Crawl!
The worst has not even arrived yet!
Just wait until the Jehovah's witnesses figure out that everyone is at home!
And finally a bit of advice for when we are allowed out ......
People must NOT cough near you they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to .......
FAR COUGH!!!!
Great idea to pass the social isolation boredom!
Place a drink in every room of the house and have a Social Isolation Pub Crawl!
The worst has not even arrived yet!
Just wait until the Jehovah's witnesses figure out that everyone is at home!
And finally a bit of advice for when we are allowed out ......
People must NOT cough near you they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to .......
FAR COUGH!!!!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, Do you ever get a stabbing pain across your chest, like somebody's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I relied " Nope ........."
She responded, "And how about now?"
Did you know that in the Canary Islands, there is not ONE canary?
And on the Virgin Isles..........
Same thing, no canaries!!!!!!!
Sounding concerned, I relied " Nope ........."
She responded, "And how about now?"
Did you know that in the Canary Islands, there is not ONE canary?
And on the Virgin Isles..........
Same thing, no canaries!!!!!!!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
There's no such thing as a stupid question? Turns out, there is:
https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/05/americas ... index.html
https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/05/americas ... index.html
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31004
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
The only question I have is, "Why the hell are we celebrating this Mexican event in the U.S.?" (Well, not me. I don't celebrate it.) It has absolutely nothing to do with America. Do people really need a minor Mexican holiday in order to go out and party?
I can resist everything except temptation.
I guess Walt lol. Funny thing even in Mexico it's not a big deal.
What makes you smile?
I know you’re listening.
Let me in!
We don’t belong here.
What happened to you was such a tragedy.
Limbo is no place for a soul like yours.
I believe I found the answer.
The angel with the burnt wings is waving you on home.-Bray Wyatt
I know you’re listening.
Let me in!
We don’t belong here.
What happened to you was such a tragedy.
Limbo is no place for a soul like yours.
I believe I found the answer.
The angel with the burnt wings is waving you on home.-Bray Wyatt
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Are these sayings really true?..........
As quiet as a mouse? (have you ever stepped on one?)
Cut me some slack? (not if you're bungee jumping!)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away (try an onion a day - that keeps EVERYBODY away)
If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery!
Anything is possible (just you try slamming a revolving door)
And remember.........
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone!
As quiet as a mouse? (have you ever stepped on one?)
Cut me some slack? (not if you're bungee jumping!)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away (try an onion a day - that keeps EVERYBODY away)
If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery!
Anything is possible (just you try slamming a revolving door)
And remember.........
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Covid19 :-
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
A submarine manufacturer has gone under
a maker of food processors has gone into liquidation
a dog kennel has had to call in retrievers
A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded
Inter-Flora is pruning its business, and Dynarod has gone down the drain.
However, the saddest one, is the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in nuts and raspberry sauce.
Police believed he topped himself!
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
A submarine manufacturer has gone under
a maker of food processors has gone into liquidation
a dog kennel has had to call in retrievers
A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded
Inter-Flora is pruning its business, and Dynarod has gone down the drain.
However, the saddest one, is the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in nuts and raspberry sauce.
Police believed he topped himself!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
Whoops - wrong message.PeterL22 wrote: ↑May 6th, 2020, 6:32 am Are these sayings really true?..........
As quiet as a mouse? (have you ever stepped on one?)
Cut me some slack? (not if you're bungee jumping!)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away (try an onion a day - that keeps EVERYBODY away)
If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery!
Anything is possible (just you try slamming a revolving door)
And remember.........
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone!
Last edited by lance_s on May 7th, 2020, 10:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
PeterL22 wrote: ↑May 7th, 2020, 6:18 am It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Covid19 :-
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
A submarine manufacturer has gone under
a maker of food processors has gone into liquidation
a dog kennel has had to call in retrievers
A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded
Inter-Flora is pruning its business, and Dynarod has gone down the drain.
However, the saddest one, is the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in nuts and raspberry sauce.
Police believed he topped himself!
You forgot to mention the local massage parlour going tits up.
This community is hands down (under the desk top) the best thing for quarantine downtime
It doesn't take a rocket scientist, but I'll do it anyway.
And then (over lunch):lance_s wrote: ↑May 7th, 2020, 10:29 amPeterL22 wrote: ↑May 7th, 2020, 6:18 am It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Covid19 :-
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
A submarine manufacturer has gone under
a maker of food processors has gone into liquidation
a dog kennel has had to call in retrievers
A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded
Inter-Flora is pruning its business, and Dynarod has gone down the drain.
However, the saddest one, is the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in nuts and raspberry sauce.
Police believed he topped himself!
You forgot to mention the local massage parlour going tits up.
The construction firm that hit a brick wall.
The carpentry business that got nailed.
The chimney sweep service that went up in smoke.
The landscapers that got rolled over.
The paint business that dried up.
People seem to get a kick out of St Patrick's Day, so why not?
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
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PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Whilst riding my Harley the other day, a deer ran into the road so I swerved to avoid it. I lost control, ended up in a ditch and severely banged my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a beautiful blonde woman driving who asked if I was OK.
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing a low cut top with the most amazing cleavage!
"I'm OK, I think.", I replied as I pulled myself to my feet holding on to the side of the convertible to get a closer look.
She said "Get in and I'll take you home , so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape to your head."
"That's really nice of you," I said. "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh come now!" the blonde insisted, "I'm a nurse and I need to see if you have any other scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really gorgeous, and very persuasive, so being a bit weak and shaken I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this!"
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away , and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I must leave straight away."
"Don't be silly!" the blonde said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way where is she?"
"Well my guess is that she's still in the ditch."
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a beautiful blonde woman driving who asked if I was OK.
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing a low cut top with the most amazing cleavage!
"I'm OK, I think.", I replied as I pulled myself to my feet holding on to the side of the convertible to get a closer look.
She said "Get in and I'll take you home , so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape to your head."
"That's really nice of you," I said. "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh come now!" the blonde insisted, "I'm a nurse and I need to see if you have any other scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really gorgeous, and very persuasive, so being a bit weak and shaken I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this!"
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away , and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I must leave straight away."
"Don't be silly!" the blonde said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way where is she?"
"Well my guess is that she's still in the ditch."
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
Ice cCream .mp4- (2.77 MiB) Downloaded 3 times
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