Joke Thread

[stickyvicky]

Love it! I"m gonna do that one on Instagram! lol...

[stickyvicky]

Walt wanted me to post this for you guys! It's ingenious! I have no idea where this show was! Somewhere in Quebec maybe?
http://www.vickyathome.com/clips/TheMagician.mp4

[rokkerr]

This joke is right up this alley....

[rokkerr]

[PeterL22]

Did you know Joan had a friend?

[rokkerr]

[PeterL22]

As I'm feeling lazy and mentioned Hale & Pace elsewhere .......

[enternight]

not a joke per se but take any song with the word love in it and replace it with dick ..
“I Left My Dick in San Francisco,” “Bury My Dick at Wounded Knee,” “Dick of Darkness,” “The Dick of the Matter,”, “Dickbreak Hotel,” “The Sacred Dick,” “The Dick and Stomach of a King,” “The Jack of Dicks,” “An Affair of the Dick,” “The Dick Has Its Reasons,” “The Dick Is a Lonely Hunter”... Woody Allen, when questioned about his decision to run off with his adopted teenage daughter, would so tonelessly say: “The heart wants what it wants” ...
source christopher hitchens

[mikesline]

When do you know when your priest is a pedophile?

When he tells you don't call me father ,
call me daddy.

[stickyvicky]

Did you hear about the guy that went to the emergency room with six plastic toy horses up his ass?

His condition is stable.

[WalterB]

Howcum we don't have a :groan: smiley,

[LizLemon85]

Which song does the sperm donor play in repeat?
Dire Straits - Money for Nutting

[LizLemon85]

Okay, so this is not a joke, but I think it's hilarious... best/funniest pornhub account EVER.
I love this guy

[WalterB]

Liz, here's a question for you.

Over here in the colonies we have a saying when we cuss in at least somewhat polite society. I certainly don't know how popular it really is, but when we cuss, we (some of us, lol) say "Pardon my French." Something like, "Oh, shit! I goofed. (Pardon my French.)" Or maybe, "Oh, Damn. I screwed up Pardon my French."

Which brings up the question, "When the French cuss in polite society, do they say, "Pardon my English?"

[LizLemon85]

French people never have to apologize, they cuss you out and it sounds like poetry

[Andrew35]

Liz is write, it's the French custom to be rude lol (I love picking on the French, all in good fun).

[LizLemon85]

I'm a nerd, I immediately thought of that one scene in Matrix reloaded...
[youtubeembed][/youtubeembed]

[LizLemon85]

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
...
He was looking for a tight seal.

[ks56niner]

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
...
He was looking for a tight seal.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And then there is this one...

So a penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. He eats the ice cream and makes a big mess on his face. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. It's just a little ice cream."

[LizLemon85]

Good one

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
...
One is a crusty bus station and the other one is a busty crustacean.