On the Music thread someone has been talking about Celtic women, so its a prompt for some Irish jokes (sorry!)
Paddy and MIck find three hand grenades so they decide to take them to the local Police station.
Mick asks, "Paddy, what will we tell them if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "No worries mic, we'll lie and tell them we only found two!"
Scotland Yard caught an Irishman planting a bomb in London.
They arrested him whilst he was watering it.
Heard about the Irishman that got killed in a helicopter crash?
He was cold so he turned the big fan off.
Barman says to paddy, "Hey Paddy , yer glass is empty! Fancy another one?"
Paddy, "Why would I be needing two empty glasses?"
Paddy says to Murphy,"My mate fell off his motorbike today. He has brain damage, two broken arms and is blind in one eye."
Murphy, "Feckin' hell! No wonder he fell off!
Joke Thread
Name one career where on-the-job training is not ideal.
Skydiving instructor
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.
Just so I've got something to fall back on.
My teaching career.
I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.
I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.
I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.
I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.
I was sent to Germany to do food science, that was the wurst.
I've started teaching physics, its got potential.
What kind of career would a spider excel in?
Web design
A man's career in ruins!
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”
“My career is in ruins!” the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, “Then why the hell are you celebrating?”
“I’ve just received my PhD in archaeology!”
Skydiving instructor
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.
Just so I've got something to fall back on.
My teaching career.
I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.
I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.
I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.
I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.
I was sent to Germany to do food science, that was the wurst.
I've started teaching physics, its got potential.
What kind of career would a spider excel in?
Web design
A man's career in ruins!
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”
“My career is in ruins!” the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, “Then why the hell are you celebrating?”
“I’ve just received my PhD in archaeology!”
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Memo to all workers:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all staff well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are striving to give our staff more S.H.I.T. than any other employer. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. at work, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Our HR department is especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Workers who don't take S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in a DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATION EVALUATION PROGRAM for SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For staff who are planning to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the advanced MANAGEMENT OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all staff well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are striving to give our staff more S.H.I.T. than any other employer. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. at work, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Our HR department is especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Workers who don't take S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in a DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATION EVALUATION PROGRAM for SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For staff who are planning to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the advanced MANAGEMENT OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why is it annoying to eat next to a basketball player?
They dribble all the time.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on its own?
It was too tired.
What do you call pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals
Phillipe Floppe.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I was going to tell a science joke.
But all the best ones argon.
Wife says to husband “You wanna change positions tonight”?
Husband (excited) “Yeah”!!
Wife: “OK, you do the dishes, I’ll sit on the couch and fart”.
After leaving Hollywood, why did Arnold Schwarzenegger take a job with a company that kills bugs in people's houses?
He wanted to become an ex-terminator.
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why is it annoying to eat next to a basketball player?
They dribble all the time.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on its own?
It was too tired.
What do you call pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals
Phillipe Floppe.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I was going to tell a science joke.
But all the best ones argon.
Wife says to husband “You wanna change positions tonight”?
Husband (excited) “Yeah”!!
Wife: “OK, you do the dishes, I’ll sit on the couch and fart”.
After leaving Hollywood, why did Arnold Schwarzenegger take a job with a company that kills bugs in people's houses?
He wanted to become an ex-terminator.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a Tabbycat have died.
All three are before God, who says: "German Shepherd. What do you believe in?"
The German Shepherd says "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."
"Good." says God. "You may sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?"
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."
"Aha." says God. "You may sit down on my left side." Then He looks at the cat, and asks: "And what do you believe in?"
The cat then answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
All three are before God, who says: "German Shepherd. What do you believe in?"
The German Shepherd says "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."
"Good." says God. "You may sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?"
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."
"Aha." says God. "You may sit down on my left side." Then He looks at the cat, and asks: "And what do you believe in?"
The cat then answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
Good one!ErikB wrote: ↑May 19th, 2021, 6:04 pm A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a Tabbycat have died.
All three are before God, who says: "German Shepherd. What do you believe in?"
The German Shepherd says "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."
"Good." says God. "You may sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?"
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."
"Aha." says God. "You may sit down on my left side." Then He looks at the cat, and asks: "And what do you believe in?"
The cat then answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
If my current career doesn't work out, I'm going to become a honey farmer. That's my plan bee.
Elton John is giving up music to try his hand as a stand up comic. His new gig is just a little bit funny.
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Just a quickie today (everyone loves a quickie!)
A 60 year old millionaire was getting married and threw a huge wedding reception.
The big day arrived and he got married to his gorgeous blonde 22 year old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000 square foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing, and a large team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, his less wealthy friends couldn't help feeling a tad jealous.
In a quiet moment one of them asked him how he had landed such a beautiful young babe.
"Simple," grinned the millionaire, "I lied about my age!"
His friend was amazed and asked him how old he had said his age was.
He grinned and replied - "I told her I was 87!"
A 60 year old millionaire was getting married and threw a huge wedding reception.
The big day arrived and he got married to his gorgeous blonde 22 year old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000 square foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing, and a large team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, his less wealthy friends couldn't help feeling a tad jealous.
In a quiet moment one of them asked him how he had landed such a beautiful young babe.
"Simple," grinned the millionaire, "I lied about my age!"
His friend was amazed and asked him how old he had said his age was.
He grinned and replied - "I told her I was 87!"
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
rokkerr
- Army Chief of Staff "Number One"
- Posts: 12992
- Joined: March 11th, 2006, 8:45 am
- Location: London, Los Angeles and now Tampa!
- Contact:
You might need to be British to get this one... 
- Attachments
-
- 148756091_4408519752493581_6514578992608903785_o.jpg (42.82 KiB) Viewed 154 times
wearing my cockring 24 hours a day
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 30998
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
I remember the story, supposedly true, of a WWII vet who went to France for a D-Day celebration and remembrance. When clearing thru French customs, the agent asked him for one document, then another, then another. Getting frustrated, the old soldier griped, "What's up with all the dang paperwork. Last time I came here we didn't need paperwork."
Agent: "And when was that, sir?"
Old soldier: It was June 6th, 1944. There were no Frenchmen here to greet us."
Agent: "And when was that, sir?"
Old soldier: It was June 6th, 1944. There were no Frenchmen here to greet us."
I can resist everything except temptation.
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Then there's the Urban Myth - Google French military victories - there are no results!!WalterB wrote: ↑May 22nd, 2021, 6:49 pm I remember the story, supposedly true, of a WWII vet who went to France for a D-Day celebration and remembrance. When clearing thru French customs, the agent asked him for one document, then another, then another. Getting frustrated, the old soldier griped, "What's up with all the dang paperwork. Last time I came here we didn't need paperwork."
Agent: "And when was that, sir?"
Old soldier: It was June 6th, 1944. There were no Frenchmen here to greet us."
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
One liners again
The US carried out a nuclear test on Christmas Island.
That's why Rudolph's nose glows so bright!
Louis Pasteur fired his assistant after asking for a test tube and getting a funny retort.
Wife who feeds husband bad breakfast coffee supplies him with grounds for divorce!
I picked up 12 diamonds in a bridge game, (but I made a clean getaway!
News of crack in Boulder Dam leaks to the press.
In 457BC, the Chinese Emperor bestows a special favour on his Number 1 concubine and introduces the first Ming coat!
In 1025BC Samson gave his final performance for the Philistines.
He brought the house down!!
The US carried out a nuclear test on Christmas Island.
That's why Rudolph's nose glows so bright!
Louis Pasteur fired his assistant after asking for a test tube and getting a funny retort.
Wife who feeds husband bad breakfast coffee supplies him with grounds for divorce!
I picked up 12 diamonds in a bridge game, (but I made a clean getaway!
News of crack in Boulder Dam leaks to the press.
In 457BC, the Chinese Emperor bestows a special favour on his Number 1 concubine and introduces the first Ming coat!
In 1025BC Samson gave his final performance for the Philistines.
He brought the house down!!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
An 85 year old chap was told by his doctor that he required to produce a semen sample as part of his medical check up.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85year old man reappeared at the doctor's clinic and gave him back the jar which was empty and clean.
The doctor asked him what had happened, and the man explained,
"Well doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand and nothing! Then I tried with my left hand and still nothing.
Then I asked my wife to help me. She tried with her right hand, and then her left hand, but still nothing.
She tried with her mouth; first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out - but still nothing.
We even called up Arleen the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then with an armpit, and even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!"
The doctor was shocked, "You actually asked your neighbour?!?"
The old guy replied, "Yep. None of us could get the damn jar open!!"
You knew where it was going didn't you!
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85year old man reappeared at the doctor's clinic and gave him back the jar which was empty and clean.
The doctor asked him what had happened, and the man explained,
"Well doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand and nothing! Then I tried with my left hand and still nothing.
Then I asked my wife to help me. She tried with her right hand, and then her left hand, but still nothing.
She tried with her mouth; first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out - but still nothing.
We even called up Arleen the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then with an armpit, and even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!"
The doctor was shocked, "You actually asked your neighbour?!?"
The old guy replied, "Yep. None of us could get the damn jar open!!"
You knew where it was going didn't you!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
To follow in Peter's theme:
What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some coins?
Do you see any change in me?
They tried to save him with an IV drip; the efforts were all in vein.
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks, and he did.
I had to sell my car to pay his bill.
What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some coins?
Do you see any change in me?
They tried to save him with an IV drip; the efforts were all in vein.
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks, and he did.
I had to sell my car to pay his bill.
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
following on in that vein (did ya see what I did there?)!lance_s wrote: ↑May 27th, 2021, 7:36 am To follow in Peter's theme:
What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some coins?
Do you see any change in me?
They tried to save him with an IV drip; the efforts were all in vein.
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks, and he did.
I had to sell my car to pay his bill.
Never lie to a radiographer - she'll see right through you!
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste (Yuk)
Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?
The ultrasound technician.
And who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound technician is on holiday?
The hip replacement surgeon
I had a pioneering transplant operation. The gave me a pig's ear.
It was great at first, but after a week I started getting crackling.
I always knew I wanted to be an osteopath!
I could feel it in my bones.
Did you hear about the stupid nurse who was asked to get a blood count and sent for Dracula.
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
Reminds me of something I saw once in a pet store -
cartons marked "Pigs Ears. 100% Beef"
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
Yeah, and why are hamburgers made with (some) beef???
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
PeterL22
- Lt. Colonel
- Posts: 2975
- Joined: December 5th, 2016, 3:53 pm
- Location: Southampton . Blighty
And there is no dog (I hope) in a hot dog?!?!
Here was certainly a sin worth sinning and I applied myself with characteristic vigour to its practice
Aleister Crowley
Aleister Crowley
-
- Free VNA Live Camshows
