Joke Thread

[stickyvicky]

Do I have a joke thread? If I do please excuse me and I'll merge it, lol... I couldn't remember but didn't see one... senility sucks... I know Shanda has one, and Rokkerr has one... Sunny too... Where's my freakin' joke thread?


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

[h0rnytoad1]

Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.
Friend: Alright.
Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You decided to get drunk.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You went to the bar.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You found a hot chick there.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You both came into your room and had sex.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: Next morning you wake up.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: And she says...
Friend: I am a man.

[h0rnytoad1]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[h0rnytoad1]

Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst."

Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

[h0rnytoad1]

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking."

Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?"

And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

[h0rnytoad1]

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

[h0rnytoad1]

What does a Rubik cube and penis have in common? The more you play with it the harder it gets

[h0rnytoad1]

BOOB IM ICON
Perfect Boobs (o)(o)
Fake Boobs ( + )( + )
Perky Boobs (*)(*)
Big Nipple Boobs (@)(@)
A Cups o o
Wonder Bra Boobs (oYo)
Lopsided Boobs (o)(O)
Grandma Boobs \ o /\ o /

[h0rnytoad1]

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.

She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants."

So I wrote back:"Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.

[h0rnytoad1]

when there's three people its a threesome

when there's two people its a twosome

I now know why they call me handsome

[h0rnytoad1]

Unscramble these words!
1.) PNEIS
2.) HTIELR
3.) NGGERI
4.) BUTTSXE
Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT?

[hotjulie]

Walt goes to work Monday morning with 2 black eyes. The others asked where he got 2 black eyes and he says he got them in church. They ask how does anyone get a black eye in church? He says they stood up to sing a hymn and the women in front of him had her skirt caught between the crack of her ass. She's a heavy set girl, so instead of others snickering at her he pulled it out, she turned around and hit him!

They say well that explains one, what about the other one? He says I thought she wanted her skirt put back!

[WalterB]

Julie goes to work Monday morning with ....

[CGYMike]

Stolen from Craig Fergusen

Man goes up to a door and rings the bell. A 12 year old boy answers the door in his sisters dress smoking a cigar and drinking a beer.

The man says "are your parents at home?" To which the kid replies. "What the hell do you think?"


:). Mike

[DrDave47]

Entrance To Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest......"

[DrDave47]

This was a guest speaker at an actual Conference on Aging in California;

The speaker is a weatherman, but SHOULD be a stand up comic.

Attendees were young and old alike, male and female. . . he is hysterical.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0

[DrDave47]

AN AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER:


"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer.
"I just wanted to warn you that the reflector
on the back of your buggy is broken and it
could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady.
"I shall have my husband repair it as soon
as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of
your reins to your horse is wrapped around
his testicles. Some people might consider
this cruelty to animals so you should have
your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband
check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got
home, she told her husband about the
broken reflector. He said he would put a
new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman
said there was something wrong with
the emergency brake."

[DrDave47]

DISCUSSING THEIR FUTURE

Now that they were retired, a husband and wife were discussing all aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?"
Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd
probably look for a house-sharing situation
with two or three other single or widowed women
who might be a little younger than herself,
since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do
if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing.

[DrDave47]

A few chuckle lines from the *dilly of them all, Phyllis Diller (1917-2012)
who was generating funny lines for years before she really began to entertain.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odorous Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

[stickyvicky]

She was one of a kind! Loved that woman and her sense of humor, those are some keepers!