Joke Thread

[Hornylady9]

When Walt was younger he tried out for his high school football team. First day his coach says "son can you tackle?" Walt says "watch this," he hits a telephone pole and it falls over. The coach says "impressive, but are you a fast runner?" Walt runs the 100 yard dash in 9 seconds. The coach is impressed and asks if he can pass a football? Walt looks at him and says, "if I can swallow it, I sure as hell can pass it!"

That's a good one Julie!! Plus since u used Walt that even makes it better!!!

Zany

[Hornylady9]

Found this one the other day!!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are agin carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

[DrDave47]

Good one Zany, as a friend in my business once said, "I like dead people, they have been some of my best patients".

DrDave47

[Kirstie]

Lol!! You guys crack me up! XD

[Hornylady9]

Good one Zany, as a friend in my business once said, "I like dead people, they have been some of my best patients".

DrDave47

Cause they don't talk back to u...lol! They don't say things like "I can't do that doc" like some people will do...hahaha!

Zany

[DrDave47]

Ok, so I'm not Irish, but these are funny, well kinda, for those of us who have sick twisted minds, that's almost all of us, except maybe Walt, he's as clean as the driven slush....

>
> Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
> > Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
> > His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and
> > he's walking with a limp
> > "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
> > " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> > "That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He
> > must have had something in his hand."
> > "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible
> > lickin' he gave me with it."
> > " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
> > something in your hand?"
> > "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
> > it was, but useless in a fight."
>

> > An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the
> > city one night and, of course,
> > his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over.
> > "So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?"
> > " Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
> > " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
> > evening."
> > "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> > "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> > across his chest,
> > "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
> > "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
> > gone deaf."
>

> > Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan
> > arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to
> > tell ya".
> > "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me
> > husband?"
> > "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
> > at the Guinness brewery...."
> > "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
> > "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> > Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible,
> > Brenda.
> > He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But
> > you must tell me truth, Tim.
> > Did he at least go quickly?""Well, Brenda. No. In fact, he got out three times to pee.
>

> > Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning
> > service, and she's in tears.
> > He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
> > She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
> > The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that is terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have
> > any last requests?"
> > She says, "That he did, Father."
> > The priest says, "What did he request, Mary? "
> > She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
>

> > "A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
> > enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
> > The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
> > Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
> > The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
> > either!"
> >
>

DrDave47

[DrDave47]

*WALKING ON THE GRASS*

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.The
instructor said: "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will
make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty
of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces like grass or sand.
Now Gentlemen, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her. That shared experience would be good for you
both."

The room became quiet as the men absorbed this information. After
a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a
golf bag?"

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.


DrDave47

[Hornylady9]

Here's one I thought was good!

Chalk One up for the Old Guy!

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique", he said.
At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe.
"Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000."
The girl's eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on Monday."
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phone the man.
"You old fart, you lied...there's no money in that account."
"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

[DrDave47]

So True of us older gentlemen, we've got to be 'crafty', and sneaky to keep ahead of the younger bucks.

[Hornylady9]

So True of us older gentlemen, we've got to be 'crafty', and sneaky to keep ahead of the younger bucks.

I knew u would like that one!!!

Zany

[Hornylady9]

Please remember this is suppose to make u laugh!!

Marriage Humor

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?' I said, "Dust!"

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.



I know some will get and will be like "I should have said that!"
Please enjoy!!!

Zany

[Kirstie]

LOL that's such a good one, Zany. XD

[DrDave47]

Please remember this is suppose to make u laugh!!

Marriage Humor

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?' I said, "Dust!"

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.



I know some will get and will be like "I should have said that!"
Please enjoy!!!

Zany

Ok ur up past your bedtime young lady, turn off the Computer, and the DVD and give me that Flashlight! No reading after I turn off the lights tonight!!

DrDave


lol

[Connie]

Hope this brings a smile to everyone this morning hehe

[Hornylady9]

Please remember this is suppose to make u laugh!!

Marriage Humor

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?' I said, "Dust!"

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.



I know some will get and will be like "I should have said that!"
Please enjoy!!!

Zany

Ok ur up past your bedtime young lady, turn off the Computer, and the DVD and give me that Flashlight! No reading after I turn off the lights tonight!!

DrDave


lol

I do not have a time keeper and I can stay up as late as I want!!!!

Don't forget I am the one that throws tires and people!!! Take your meds and stay in the corner!!

Zany

[Hornylady9]

Hope this brings a smile to everyone this morning hehe

I really like that one Connie!!

Zany

[WalterB]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and published by Court reporters that had to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Julie!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
WITNESS: I can't remember.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
JULIE: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
JULIE: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
JULIE: Getting laid
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe Mr. Brown?
JULIE: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was he a male or a female?
JULIE: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have been performed on dead people?
DRDAVE: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Davest]

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

[Davest]

I went into a cafe in town with the wife yesterday.

The waitress said she had seen us walking down the street hand-in-hand and thought how sweet it was at our age.

I did not have the heart to tell her I hold my wife's hand to stop her running into shops.

================================

If I had $1 for every woman that wasn't attracted to me... they would eventually find me attractive!

[Davest]

Last one tonight; an oldie, but one of my all-time favorites.

A penguin is driving on vacation one day when the warning lights come on and the car starts acting funny. Fortunately, he sees a repair shop nearby and manages to make it there before the car dies. The mechanic agrees to look at the car, but says it might take a while. So, since he is on vacation, the penguin decides to explore the town on foot. He does some window shopping and eventually stops at an ice cream parlor on his way back to the repair shop. Eating a sundae while walking is difficult at best for most of us, but when you waddle like a penguin, it is practically impossible. By the time he gets to the shop and sees the mechanic, he has whipped cream all over his face. The mechanic sees him and says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his beak and says, "No, that's just whipped cream."