Joke Thread

[DrDave47]

This test will keep that dreaded disease that effects your memory at bay!
New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.


Check your answers below ....


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to your brilliant friends.

[DrDave47]

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases:


“When in Doubt, Empty The Magazine”


“Sniper– You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”


“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”


”U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”


"U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”


“The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”


“Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”


“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”


“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775″


“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”


“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”


“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”


“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”


“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “


“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”


“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”


“If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran”

…and finally


“Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the US military doesn’t have that problem.”

[DrDave47]

Jacob, age 81 Rebecca, age 80, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:


"Are you the owner?"


The pharmacist answers, "Yes."


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"


Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."


Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"


Pharmacist: "All kinds."


Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"


Pharmacist: "Definitely."


Jacob: "How about suppositories?"


Pharmacist: "You bet!"


Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"


Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."


Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"


Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"


Pharmacist: "We sure do."


Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"


Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."


Jacob: "Adult diapers?"


Pharmacist: "Sure."


Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[stickyvicky]

Yay for monday morning chuckles! What we need with our coffee to get the week going!

[wshandcock]

A couple has been married for 50 years when the wife starts acting strange , so they goes vist the dr after a long exam the dr comes out and taks with the husband , the husband ask whats wrong with her , the dr says well its either altzhimers or Syhpillis the husband ask what should i do , the dr replies take her for a long drive into the country side and let her out of the car and them drive away , if she come home , 'dont fuck her

[DrDave47]

The best of the Budweiser Clydesdale commercials!

http://wallythekat.tripod.com/A_Pages/A ... dales.html
If only all commercials were this imaginative and wholesome

[DrDave47]

This is probably the most brilliant Safety film I've ever seen. Make sure to click on the extra's their worth every minute.


https://www.youtube.com/embed/qOw44VFNk ... %3C/iframe

[DrDave47]

Thomas Cook Vacation Complaints... The beach had too much sand... Read no 19 - priceless



THESE ARE
ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK
VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the
local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams
or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the
afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this
should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in
the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned
to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very
distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were
scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen,
there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide
book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware
of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the
Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom
and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee
hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for
service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there.
The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that
there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no
air-conditioning."

17.. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."

18.. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention
mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were put in a room with a king-size bed. We want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US, they BREED ....and.... SOME VOTE!!!!

I wonder how many will come from Julia Ann's most excellent adventure ?
# 19 better NOT be on the list!
And if # 7 is a problem. DO NOT BOOK FOR JULIA'S ADVENTURE!

DrDave47

[stickyvicky]

Love it! Yes they do exist and some of them write to the customer service email here on the sites!

[stickyvicky]

It's the last offensive play of the season.

Score a touchdown and you'll win the Super Bowl.

"No thanks, we'll pass."

[DrDave47]

These are my travel plans, hope you will join me.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends,
family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much
on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to
stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's
an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

You can do your bit by remembering to send this to at least one
unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty
things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

[DrDave47]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland:
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get
me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
It's a curious culture, the Irish.



Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

[DrDave47]

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards..?




it's simple, it's a receding hare line.

[DrDave47]

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I
asked her, What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" ..


She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"


I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.


She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out
of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull
Shit."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[DrDave47]

What was the shy rock's wish?


To be a little boulder!

[DrDave47]

There's Fishing, and then....there's fishing.

Fishing


It was raining very hard. and a large puddle formed outside an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string and a pin on the end,, jiggling it up and down in the water.
A curious passer-by asked what he was doing. "Fishing" replied the old man.
Poor old fool, thought the man passing by. so he invited the old man into the pub for a drink.
Whilst drinking their Whisky. he asked the old man, How many have you caught?? The old man replied.." You are the eighth"!!

[stickyvicky]

In honor of St.Patrocks Day some of us will be wearing green this weekend! Anyone here going to parades or parties?

Here are some jokes to get u in the Irish mood!

Pat and Murphy out fishing and the boat motor dies.
After two days and drifting miles from the coast, they find a bottle in the water. Pat rubs the bottle and a genie poofs out.
“I will grant you one wish,” says the genie.
Without a thought, Pat says, “I wish to turn the sea into Guinness.”
The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and the sea turns into Guinness.
Murphy yells at Pat, “You fool! Now, we’ll have to pee in the boat!”

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave.
The bartender stops him and asks, “Excuse me but, what was that all about?”
The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”


An Irish priest is driving down a highway and is pulled over for speeding.
The policeman smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle beside him. He asks the priest, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
The priest responds, “No officer, just water,”
The policeman asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “The Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

[carl goldfinger]

Carl

[stickyvicky]

Sister Margaret enters O’Flynn’s liquor store and orders a bottle of Irish whiskey.
O’Flynn frowns and asks, “You’re a nun, why would you want a bottle of Irish whiskey?”
Sister Margaret says, “It’s for Father Reilly. He’s constipation.”
O’Flynn nods and puts a bottle into a bag.
Later that night, O’Flynn passes an alley and finds Sister Margaret drunk, the empty bottle at her side. O’Flynn yells, “You said it was for Father Reilly’s constipation!”
Sister Margaret responds, “It is. When he sees me, he’s gonna sh*t!”

Finnegan arrives at Mrs. O’Malley’s door and says, “I’ve something to tell you.”
“Where’s my husband?”
“There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
“Oh God, no!”
“I’m sorry, Seamus is dead and gone.”
Mrs. O’Malley collapses into a chair and cries.
“How did it happen?”
“He fell into a vat of Guineas and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no. He got out three times to pee.”

Pat and Mike have been drinking buddies for years.
One day, after having a few beers, Mike says to Pat, “We have been friends for years and, if I should die before you, would you do me a favor? I want you to get the best bottle of Irish whiskey and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replies, “I would be glad to do that for you, old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”

Mulvaney goes to Switzerland to climb the Matterhorn. He hires a guide and they’re caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a St. Bernard reaches them with a barrel of brandy under his chin.
“Hooray!” shouts the guide. “Here comes man’s best friend!”
“Yeah,” said Mulvaney. “And look at the size of the dog that’s bringing it!”

[CGYMike]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".