Joke Thread

[sugerdaddy]

Thanks Dr Dave I like beer. wine and whiskey too. Also my Grass is high at my place.

[Connie]

No comment required

[sugerdaddy]

Great comeback from the wife. LMAO Thanks Connie.

[DrDave47]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
The Easter Bunny ,
and he is DEAD!
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde brunette woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible!" he explains.
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and
KILLED HIM.”
The blonde says, "Don't worry.”
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?”
The woman turns the can around
So that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)






it really really is the last chance













(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
And adds permanent wave.”

H a p p y E a s t e r! ! !
Now aren't you sorry you didn't stop reading
when we warned you....


DrDave47

(it just takes longer for jokes to make it all
the way to Alaska..)

[DrDave47]

Don't look at me, I was a red-head in my younger years, but with all the blond jokes running around I felt it was only fair to have a male Blond joke.



The very first ever Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait!!!!











An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.



They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'



The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'


The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.



The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'



(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

You Ready for this ?


ARE YOU SURE YOUR READY....

REALLY REALLY SURE ??


OK YOU ASKED FOR IT






Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,




'Don't look at me. He made his own lunch ..'



DrDave47

[sugerdaddy]

Thanks DrDave47 for the Easter Bunny joke. I am pleased you placed it in this thread as I will refer to it next year. lmao.

[stickyvicky]

Those were some groaners...

[DrDave47]

You pretty much need to be Walt's age to remember this particular set of clips.


Enjoy

http://biggeekdad.com/2012/04/tim-conwa ... ant-story/

DrDave47


Mike, this should get the song out of your head, I hope...

[WalterB]

It's been posted a couple of times before in the Videos thread. Funny stuff.

[sugerdaddy]

I am not as old as Walt but I remember that TV show. Thanks for the memories.

[h0rnytoad1]

me too, mom and i used to watch it together in the kitchen. i had a hard time understanding english but that scene i remember, it was so funny

i wonder why they didn't have any elephants there for show.

i hear they work for peanuts.


*nort*

Master of delivery. Told the joke as serious as he could we were hanging on his every word, then when he made that *nort* sound, everyone cracked, we were all waiting for that moment to crack up.

[DrDave47]

Yes Walt this includes you too...







DrDave47

[sugerdaddy]

Thanks for sharing that clip DrDave. I cried with laughter, Billy Connolly is so funny. I love that comedian.

[Connie]

Cute way to start my day since when I looked outside I saw SNOW

[h0rnytoad1]

lol good one connie

[DrDave47]

Cute way to start my day since when I looked outside I saw SNOW

Good one Connie, don't worry about the snow, it's only going to last for a month or two,then it'l be winter....lol happens here too, but today it's rain. I'd almost trade you, almost.

DrDave47

[DrDave47]

ALMOST

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
----------------------------------------------------------
Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?
------------------------------------------------------------
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Humor (careful guys this might be a trick!)

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expire by date.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . '

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'



DrDave47

[stickyvicky]

Thanks Dr. Dave! Great way to start the day off right!

[sugerdaddy]

Thanks DrDave47, love your jokes. I have been sitting here laughing my ass off.

[DrDave47]

: A Modern story.

Whilst strolling round the harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed this character shouting; "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

DrDave47