Joke Thread

[stickyvicky]

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Blonde: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Blonde: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can't get the gum out of my ears.

[WalterB]

Is that another blonde joke?? I notice you said "passenger."

[stickyvicky]

Changed it just for you!

[WalterB]

[DrDave47]

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week
in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money,
and I give some of it to the church."



The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you
sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does
he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made
that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ...
He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "




DrDave47

[sugerdaddy]

That is so fucking funny. I have a cat house here in Sydney Australia. have a on me

[DrDave47]

Puns for Educated Minds


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ...

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid,
but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went,
and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!





DrDave47

[DrDave47]

A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE....
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the
​ ​
young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......
"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"





DrDave47

[DrDave47]

Subject: Humor: Court Reporters Various Cites

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the challenge of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said,'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
---------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
--------
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:
No , I just lie there.
--------
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
-------
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
-------
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
-------
ATTORNEY: The youngest son ,the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
--------
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
-------
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
------
ATTORNEY: She had three children,right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
--------
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
----------
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
---------
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
--------
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them..The live ones put up too much of a fight.
-------
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be ORAL you understand, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
---------
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
--------
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


DrDave47

[sugerdaddy]

Fuck I know Lawyers like hat dude. Well put Dr Dave.

[DrDave47]

Fuck I know Lawyers like hat dude. Well put Dr Dave.

Unfortunatly so do I, that's what made this so funny when I came across it.

DrDave47

[Connie]

I'm sure this is a joke of some kind but not the kind you were hoping for.

[Monica]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

[DrDave47]

Frozen Crabs and
the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator for safe keeping.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons
here:
1. Many lawyers
aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Many blondes
aren't as dumb as most folks think.





DrDave47

[DrDave47]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
And lastly,


A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.




DrDave47

[DrDave47]

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope?

“I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.”

“But it will explode.”

“Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!



Less Is More

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.


To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space.

The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

The Russians used a pencil.

DrDave47

[stickyvicky]

Good ones!

[DrDave47]

The computer industry

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT".

But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.


Think about the computer you use every day.
Built by the lowest bidder
With the highest Bid, but cheapest parts available
Built by the cheapest least experienced work force available.
Sold for the highest Profit margin
And still requires expensive software to do anything!
And yet you expect it to work every day, all day long.......WHY?

DrDave47

[Davest]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who jump through screen door is liable to strain himself.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

[stickyvicky]