If a black bird has black babies and a blue bird has blue babies....
what bird has no babies?
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A swallow
Joke Thread
A man who is a devout Christian saves a child from being run over but gets killed in doing so. When he meets saint peter at the gates to Heaven he is escorted to meet god. Who looks at his record of church appearances and then speaks to him.
''I see you are a man of the faith and have never done anything bad in your life and you made the ultimate sacrifice giving your life for a child you didn't even know. Just for this, I'm going to send you back with a one-time wish to make your life better. Tell me what is it you wish for?''
''Thank you, God I'm so grateful I do have a wish. I'm afraid of flying and get terribly seasick. And all my relations now live in America so could you please build me a highway from England to the US so that I can drive there?''
God sits there for a little while and looking sad replies.
''I'm sorry my son but that feat of engineering isn't possible owing to the depth of water and the stresses involved please ask for another wish.''
The man thinks for a little bit then says.
''There is one other thing I would like.''
''Go ahead my son make your wish and I'll make it come true.''
''Well, I've never got on with women I don't know how to talk to them. Could you please make me understand how women think so that I can find a wife and have children?''
God sits there for what seems like forever and then answers.
''How many lanes would you like on the highway?''
''I see you are a man of the faith and have never done anything bad in your life and you made the ultimate sacrifice giving your life for a child you didn't even know. Just for this, I'm going to send you back with a one-time wish to make your life better. Tell me what is it you wish for?''
''Thank you, God I'm so grateful I do have a wish. I'm afraid of flying and get terribly seasick. And all my relations now live in America so could you please build me a highway from England to the US so that I can drive there?''
God sits there for a little while and looking sad replies.
''I'm sorry my son but that feat of engineering isn't possible owing to the depth of water and the stresses involved please ask for another wish.''
The man thinks for a little bit then says.
''There is one other thing I would like.''
''Go ahead my son make your wish and I'll make it come true.''
''Well, I've never got on with women I don't know how to talk to them. Could you please make me understand how women think so that I can find a wife and have children?''
God sits there for what seems like forever and then answers.
''How many lanes would you like on the highway?''
Just saw this one on social media.
Walt drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, Walt saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
Walt paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Walt drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, Walt saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
Walt paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
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onegreengoat
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I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out (s)he was a cheetah.
The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise’.
Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.
I thought I’d start off with a joke about The Titanic – just to break the ice.
How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag.
I entered the ‘How not to surrender’ competition and won hands down.
“Nationwide” must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch.
“I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.”
“Working at the jobcentre has to be tense, knowing that even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”
“I’m not a fan of the new one pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”
“My boss suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.”
“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. Now It’s Hans free.”
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
(from a CNN website, reporting on a competition held in Edinburgh.)
The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise’.
Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.
I thought I’d start off with a joke about The Titanic – just to break the ice.
How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag.
I entered the ‘How not to surrender’ competition and won hands down.
“Nationwide” must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch.
“I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.”
“Working at the jobcentre has to be tense, knowing that even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”
“I’m not a fan of the new one pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”
“My boss suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.”
“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. Now It’s Hans free.”
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
(from a CNN website, reporting on a competition held in Edinburgh.)
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
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These are absolutely hilarious. The original Hollywood Squares. I loved these folks. I think their answers were supposed to be spontaneous. But I remember thinking that someone must be writing the trick answers earlier. Whatever, these folks were good. I actually remember most of these.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) (Walt: I saw this show. It's true. We wondered if the show would continue, lol.) And now I understand the answer.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) (Walt: I saw this show. It's true. We wondered if the show would continue, lol.) And now I understand the answer.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 30998
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
This is for Erik. Remember, I warned you it wasn't all that funny, lol. I altered it a bit to make it at least relevant.
Vicky and Rokkerr were out just enjoying a day off. They decided to stop in a nice park for a kind of picnic lunch. After they ate, they were walking around enjoying things when they ran across a railroad track behind a hedgerow. They started getting "passionate," so decided to get behind the bushes up on the railbed. Soon they were really at it. Well naturally, a train comes along. The engineer could see them way ahead and immediately laid on the horn. Long toot, short toot, toot, looooooong toot. Nothing worked. So the engineer quickly hit every brake he had and brought the train to a stop about 20 yards from the couple.
He was furious as he jumped off the train and ran to the couple. "What the Hell is WRONG with you? You could have been killed or caused major damage." Rokkerr stood there pulling his jeans up and replied, "Well, you see, we were both coming hot and heavy. But there was one major difference.
You could stop. But I couldn't."
Now aren't you sorry you asked?
Vicky and Rokkerr were out just enjoying a day off. They decided to stop in a nice park for a kind of picnic lunch. After they ate, they were walking around enjoying things when they ran across a railroad track behind a hedgerow. They started getting "passionate," so decided to get behind the bushes up on the railbed. Soon they were really at it. Well naturally, a train comes along. The engineer could see them way ahead and immediately laid on the horn. Long toot, short toot, toot, looooooong toot. Nothing worked. So the engineer quickly hit every brake he had and brought the train to a stop about 20 yards from the couple.
He was furious as he jumped off the train and ran to the couple. "What the Hell is WRONG with you? You could have been killed or caused major damage." Rokkerr stood there pulling his jeans up and replied, "Well, you see, we were both coming hot and heavy. But there was one major difference.
You could stop. But I couldn't."
Now aren't you sorry you asked?
I can resist everything except temptation.
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stickyvicky
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Nice oneWalterB wrote: ↑November 13th, 2023, 6:28 pm This is for Erik. Remember, I warned you it wasn't all that funny, lol. I altered it a bit to make it at least relevant.
Vicky and Rokkerr were out just enjoying a day off. They decided to stop in a nice park for a kind of picnic lunch. After they ate, they were walking around enjoying things when they ran across a railroad track behind a hedgerow. They started getting "passionate," so decided to get behind the bushes up on the railbed. Soon they were really at it. Well naturally, a train comes along. The engineer could see them way ahead and immediately laid on the horn. Long toot, short toot, toot, looooooong toot. Nothing worked. So the engineer quickly hit every brake he had and brought the train to a stop about 20 yards from the couple.
He was furious as he jumped off the train and ran to the couple. "What the Hell is WRONG with you? You could have been killed or caused major damage." Rokkerr stood there pulling his jeans up and replied, "Well, you see, we were both coming hot and heavy. But there was one major difference.
You could stop. But I couldn't."
Now aren't you sorry you asked?
A husband says to his wife: Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?
The wife replies: I don't want to bother you when you're at work.
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Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
The wife replies: I don't want to bother you when you're at work.
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Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
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onegreengoat
- Private
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- Joined: February 1st, 2022, 4:22 pm
I kind of feel bad for this person. As a guy, I would imagine that you wouldn't want the headline to read "it's a small world after all" when juxtaposed with your first public nude appearance. 
https://people.com/man-arrested-for-str ... de-8406844
https://people.com/man-arrested-for-str ... de-8406844
"Hey Dad, how did my sister Teresa get her name?"
"Well son, your mom named her because she is a huge fan of Easter, and Teresa is just Easter with the letters rearranged."
"Cool, thanks Dad."
"You're welcome, Alan."
"Well son, your mom named her because she is a huge fan of Easter, and Teresa is just Easter with the letters rearranged."
"Cool, thanks Dad."
"You're welcome, Alan."
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
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