Hi,
I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by spilling my guts to everyone, but I'm struggling for another outlet on how to deal with my life right now...
This could get quite long, so I don't blame anyone for skipping - I'll try to be as brief as possible.
For the past 11 years (well 11 in early February) I have had an online relationship with a girl from Denmark. Whilst it's never been anything physical between us (not for the want of me trying) there has been the affection and what I thought was love between us. We have chatted online for literally thousands of hours over the years and built up something pretty special. I have not been so naive as to think in that time she will have been with other men but I understand and accept that because whilst I of course wish it was me, I at least knew that her heart was just for me.
Over the past 11 years, she has consumed my life and helped me in so many ways to build my non-existent confidence into something that has got me to at least living a 'normal' life. During that time she has kept promising that she would come to visit me but for one reason or another it's never happened (and I can already hear alarm bells going off inside everyone at this point). But even though the excuses started to wear thin, I still help my hopes up - after all, we've spent more and more time together as the years have gone by, so took that as a sign that we were still at least growing closer to each other.
Then in November last year, I discovered on her Facebook that she had started a relationship with a Peruvian man living in Germany. Needless to say this utterly shocked me because as I said previously, she had always insisted she did not want a 'proper' relationship with anyone. At first she told me that this was just 'for sex' and that she had the relationship listed so as to not make her friends think she was being in her words, a slut. Whilst I of course did not totally buy this (although at the time, I did not realise he lived in Germany and thought he was in Denmark also) I was willing to give her the benefit.
At this point, Gert-Jan knows all of the above and I cannot thank him enough for the support he gave me at that time!
So like a fool, I have carried on talking and spending time with her. Including several hours on Christmas day night and New Years Eve up until 11pm. Of course, I naturally kept tabs on both their Facebook accounts and gradually more of the truth unravelled via his account (she kept hers very private). First there was pictures of them together in Hamburg when she had skipped work to visit him. Then other pictures where she would follow up with comments like 'my love' and finally to last week where my heart finally broke.
She had told me she couldn't visit me during the Christmas/New Year break because she needed to spend time with her family but that she really wanted to finally come visit me so as soon as work started again (she is a school teacher and wanted to know the new schedule), would come for a weekend in January. Which was fair enough and I understood (although was not entirely convinced about January). School started on the 3rd and I got an early message from her saying she was sick and would I send her some pictures to cheer her up. The timing of this made me suspicious, but again, benefit of the doubt. A couple of days later and what should spring up on the Peruvian's FB but a picture of 'his three girls' - Annette and I presume, his two daughters dated on the 3rd of January.
With that I knew things are too far gone.
Today I confronted her with the things I have found out as she thought I did not know about them. Amazingly, she told me it was my fault as she knew I could not handle the truth about things! And has pissed on the word love by saying her and I's version of the word are not the same. She's even saying she doesn't mean it to this other guy and that's just the way she is.
There is so much more to tell and I'm sure there are so many facepalms by now. But after giving my life to heavily to someone for 11 years, I'm so utterly heart broken and do not know how to deal with things.
I'm 33 now and have never had any other real relationships. Because I had severe confidence issues in my teenage years, I missed out on all the things you are supposed to do at that age. I am so proud of how I've got myself to where I am in life with having a job and have been able to do things, but this has hugely knocked me back.
Another big problem I have is that my friends (of which I don't have that many) are all getting on with life. By best friend who I have known for 30 years is married with two kids and lives an hour away. My other friends are from work and whilst we are very close, they all have their own lives and I couldn't ask them to help me. Again, because of my confidence problems, I do not drive. I passed my test about 12 years ago, but then could not bring myself to drive alone and thus totally abandoned it. I feel even less confident about it now I am older.
So right now I feel so utterly alone and scared. I had so many dreams of what I could do with Annette - even if maybe I knew deep down they would not happen, I at least had the hope in my head. I desperately wanted to visit Denmark and see things with her, but now I know that's a lost hope.
After the initial discovery of this other man in November, I decided in mid-December to try online dating. At the time it gave me a massive shot in the arm as I realised that there was a world out there of other people. Unfortunately, after contacting a few girls who I thought I could get along with, I have quickly discovered that the world of online dating is a fantastic way of denting any confidence or hope I might have. Out of around 25 girls contacted, 2 took the time to reply. One stopped after the initial reply. The other, we chatted for a couple of days and I thought had some hope... Then after sending a message literally saying "did you find anything interesting to watch last night?", I discovered that she had blocked me!
It's made me hugely cynical towards the whole thing now. I put in the effort to send a nice, unique message talking about their interests and making a few jokes knowing pretty much full well they won't even read it.
Plus - and I know this sounds awfully shallow of me - but again going back to my confidence problems: With Annette, I knew that I would push myself through whatever it took to meet her. If I had to fly to Denmark and find my way to her home all by myself, I would do it. I might throw up several times in fear and be a shaking, jibbering mess by the time I got there, but dammit, I would get there. That was because she knew me and all my problems, I felt safe with her and most of all because it would be the most amazing thing I had ever done. From that, to the thought of meeting someone who I may or may not actually get on with or even find totally attractive, I am scared as to how I would get myself through it. Getting on a train, bus or whatever, going to a place and meeting someone... It would be one of the most stressful and fearful experiences I have ever done. And so I start to think "is it worth it?"
It's a cliche I know, but I'm such a nice guy and I certainly don't ask or hope for much in life. I try so freaking hard, I really do but I keep feeling like I'm living behind a glass wall. I can see everyone else through it but as I get close to them, I hit that glass wall and have to watch the people I am close to drift away with their own lives leaving me feeling even more desperate and alone that I am now.
I wish I had a friend who would take me out for a drink and help me deal with things, but I truly have no one. Instead I am stuck at home trying to make it through the next minute, the next hour.
I don't quite know what I want to achieve with this post, but I know that this is somewhere we can be open and honest without any judgement. I know none of you can really help me in the way I probably need, but I can't thank you enough for even taking the time read this huge post. Sadly there is even more I could say and tell, but I'll leave it here as I know I've gone on far too long.
Thanks.
Drew
Drew is not in a great place
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
TheBoy,
Overcoming such issues as shyness can be very hard. I want to say that you need to put your self out there, outside. Turn off the computer and just go sit in the park, go downtown and just sit at a cafe or outdoor venue where a lot of people hang out. Don't try to start anything, just sit and watch. When someone looks at you, smile at them. Something as simple as a smile will work wonders for you and them. Jut go out for an hour. Get yourself a coffee and a small snack sandwich. If you go to the same place every day, sooner or later you will start seeing some of the same people. When they look at you, smile, and nod. You never know when someone might decide to stop and say "Hi." Male or female, you don't care. Look for someone who doesn't have their nose in their computer or in their phone. Those are the ones who like to talk to real people. It's just someone to chat with. You can't force anything. Just be casual and be yourself.
To my thinking, going out and meeting people in the real world is SO much better than on-line dating. People on-line can be anyone they want. They can say anything they want. And, I do not believe any of it. You need to get outside, breathe the fresh air, listen to the birds singing and the wind in the trees. Mingle with people. You just never know what might happen. But, turn the computer off and get outside. And think of this. What if there's an attractive young lady in the same boat - out there hoping to meet a nice person. You wouldn't want to miss out on that chance, would you?
It almost sounds like you may need to talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist. But I know that can get expensive. If you have an insurance plan, look into that. They can't share anything with your employment. And, remember, asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. It's sign of intelligence. We ALL need help at one time or another. You are not alone. I'm not a psychiatrist of course, but having someone who knows how to listen and then knows how to walk you through your issues is strength and intelligent. You just never know until you try.
And, I say, good luck to you.
Overcoming such issues as shyness can be very hard. I want to say that you need to put your self out there, outside. Turn off the computer and just go sit in the park, go downtown and just sit at a cafe or outdoor venue where a lot of people hang out. Don't try to start anything, just sit and watch. When someone looks at you, smile at them. Something as simple as a smile will work wonders for you and them. Jut go out for an hour. Get yourself a coffee and a small snack sandwich. If you go to the same place every day, sooner or later you will start seeing some of the same people. When they look at you, smile, and nod. You never know when someone might decide to stop and say "Hi." Male or female, you don't care. Look for someone who doesn't have their nose in their computer or in their phone. Those are the ones who like to talk to real people. It's just someone to chat with. You can't force anything. Just be casual and be yourself.
To my thinking, going out and meeting people in the real world is SO much better than on-line dating. People on-line can be anyone they want. They can say anything they want. And, I do not believe any of it. You need to get outside, breathe the fresh air, listen to the birds singing and the wind in the trees. Mingle with people. You just never know what might happen. But, turn the computer off and get outside. And think of this. What if there's an attractive young lady in the same boat - out there hoping to meet a nice person. You wouldn't want to miss out on that chance, would you?
It almost sounds like you may need to talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist. But I know that can get expensive. If you have an insurance plan, look into that. They can't share anything with your employment. And, remember, asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. It's sign of intelligence. We ALL need help at one time or another. You are not alone. I'm not a psychiatrist of course, but having someone who knows how to listen and then knows how to walk you through your issues is strength and intelligent. You just never know until you try.
And, I say, good luck to you.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Hi Drew, reading your story I see a lot of parallels between you and I. I am also 33, I've never had any real relationships, meanwhile I've been seeing friends getting married, having kids, so I know how this goes. Along with that, I have also tried online dating with similar results to your own - so I know how frustrating it can be spending hours developing a dating profile, writing messages that go unanswered, etc etc.TheBoy wrote:Hi,
It would be one of the most stressful and fearful experiences I have ever done. And so I start to think "is it worth it?"
It's a cliche I know, but I'm such a nice guy and I certainly don't ask or hope for much in life. I try so freaking hard, I really do but I keep feeling like I'm living behind a glass wall. I can see everyone else through it but as I get close to them, I hit that glass wall and have to watch the people I am close to drift away with their own lives leaving me feeling even more desperate and alone that I am now.
That being said, I think it is most definitely worth it to take a chance and go outside your comfort zone. Taking small steps to push your boundaries may lead to something big eventually, but you have to take those initial steps and continue to persevere through difficult times. There are a lot of examples on this board, myself included, where people have broken from their daily routines to try new experiences. In my own story, this past spring I took a chance (following Walt's sage advice) and drove nearly 10 hours to meet up with Vicky and Sunny. Although I had been with the VNA for maybe a little over a month at the time, I was basically meeting up with complete strangers, and now nearly a year later, I'd be proud to call them, along with Rokkerr, Handcock, JeremyJ and Mr.Josh, my friends. The same thing with meeting Davest, Zany, DrNick, Kirstie and the rest of the VNA members and ladies at Exxxotica this past fall. If I hadn't made that initial step, I would not have given Vicky and Sunny a ride on my inflatable dinosaur, I would not have attended Ashley Fires swinger party dressed up like Harry Potter, I would not have shared pulled pork sandwiches with Ron Jeremy backstage and I wouldn't be writing this to you today.
What Walt suggested in his post is a perfect exercise to practice, smile and start a polite conversation with a stranger. You never know where it could lead.
-
TheBoy
- Sergeant First Class
- Posts: 645
- Joined: November 23rd, 2010, 10:42 am
- Location: Derbyshire, England
Thanks so much for the kind and encouraging words Walt and George, it means an incredible amount!
What frustrates me most is that I've 'beaten' these feelings before from when I was a teenager and in my early 20's so I know I can do it again... I wrote my opening post whilst totally raw, so hopefully I'm not quite as bad as I sound. I know things need to change in my life though and it's up to me to do it. I kind just don't know where to start though! I know that re-learning to drive is probably the most important thing I should do, but it's also for me one of the hardest. Living in a rural area, I'm pretty much stuck here at the mercy of others if I want to go somewhere. It scares the holy hell out of me though!
I do have friends who I am close to mentally - my phone has been going constantly with WhatsApp messages from a few good friends - so I know I have support and of course know there are people who genuinely care about me. But it's the physical side of things that I kind of need, to be in their company and be somewhere else other than at home. I still live with my mum and dad, which I don't mind as I like living in this house and area. Plus I help my mum look after my dad and grandma who would be a wreck herself if I wasn't here to help. But I have to admit it adds to the pressure and as much as they love me, sometimes you can be too close to people!
Thanks again for the replies. I know that time is the best healer so hopefully in the coming days I can start to clear my head and look forward to making positive changes.
What frustrates me most is that I've 'beaten' these feelings before from when I was a teenager and in my early 20's so I know I can do it again... I wrote my opening post whilst totally raw, so hopefully I'm not quite as bad as I sound. I know things need to change in my life though and it's up to me to do it. I kind just don't know where to start though! I know that re-learning to drive is probably the most important thing I should do, but it's also for me one of the hardest. Living in a rural area, I'm pretty much stuck here at the mercy of others if I want to go somewhere. It scares the holy hell out of me though!
I do have friends who I am close to mentally - my phone has been going constantly with WhatsApp messages from a few good friends - so I know I have support and of course know there are people who genuinely care about me. But it's the physical side of things that I kind of need, to be in their company and be somewhere else other than at home. I still live with my mum and dad, which I don't mind as I like living in this house and area. Plus I help my mum look after my dad and grandma who would be a wreck herself if I wasn't here to help. But I have to admit it adds to the pressure and as much as they love me, sometimes you can be too close to people!
Thanks again for the replies. I know that time is the best healer so hopefully in the coming days I can start to clear my head and look forward to making positive changes.
-
WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Ok Drew, time for my "long one."
I've been TheShyGuy most of my life. The prettier a girl was, the harder it was to talk to her. I know I missed a lot of good opportunities. Probably one of the reasons I stayed single most of my life. I hated rejection, so I wouldn't put myself in those situations. Oh, I got along ok, dated my share. But, if things looked like they might get serious, I'd back away.
It didn't really bother me. Like I said, I had great fun through my life. Often thought it would sure be nice to find a nice lady I could maybe settle down with. I even, on occasion, wondered if Mom and Dad wondered if I was homosexual.
I wasn't around home, so I never discussed the women I was dating or anything like that. But, I was otherwise generally happy with my life. I had the freedom to go where I wanted and do what I wanted.
And then, along came Mary -- Oh wait that's a song. And then, along came Vicky.
Like most here, I ran across a clip of hers. I looked around the internet and found her site. At this time, I was new to internet porn. This would have been in mid 2005 or so. Also at this time, she was married to her husband. Her site was maybe 6-8 months old. Apparently she feature danced, and she shot content for other companies, such as Naughty America.
I found her forum and started reading. Her members seemed nice enough, and got along good. But, then, toward the end of 2005, things took a turn for the worse for her. And she came on the forum and told everyone about what was going on. Well, call me a sucker for a pretty girl with a sob story. ("Walt, you're a suc..." "Ok, Ok, I GET IT! ) Things went from bad to worse, and she discussed it all here in the forum. I was really taken. First I wondered how she could come here and tell these bad things to what amounted to strangers. Like everyone, I felt bad for her.
Finally, new Years Eve, 2005, I decided I had to join, so I could comment on the forum. So I did. Then, sometime in January, she made the decision that she needed to get over it and move on. She decided to return to feature dancing, I assume to take her mind off of things. So, she announced that she was going to appear in Wichita, Kansas. Suddenly I thought, "Wichita? I can do that. So, old "SuckerForASobStory" Walt decided to pack up the old Jalopy and head to Wichita. Didn't have a plan in mind, but just felt, "someone needs to tell her that we care." This was in early February, and it struck me, "Gee, now she doesn't have anyone to wish her a Happy Valentines." And I decided it was up to me to fix that. I have no idea what I was thinking. Here was old ShyGuy actually driving 700 miles to meet a porn star. Hell, I was like Raj in BigBangTheory. Talk to a beautiful woman? Oh, hell, no. I still have no idea what put all of this into my mind. I just knew that I wanted to go meet this woman and see if I could put a little smile on her face.
As I got close to Wichita I started thinking, (a dangerous proposition, at best. ) I need to get her something for Valentines. I saw Vicky all ready as this big porn star. So I knew there was no way I could compete financially with the kind of men in her world. I figured she was always surrounded by the big spenders. So, I thought, "Walt, the best thing you've got going for you is silliness. So that's how you do it."
I decided I would go to Wal-Mart and just buy some cheap Valentines crap, and hope I could make her laugh. So, I did. Found a small metal basket with little plastic hearts hanging off of it. I bought some green Easter grass, a small teddy bear, and one of those cheap chocolate roses, along with 3 or 4 other cheap things. Put it all on a bag and, at the designated time, headed for the club.
She wasn't there yet, so I sat down and had a beer. It was early yet and wasn't too crowded. Then she came in. Of course I recognsed her immediately. She stood there adapting to the dark, so I swallowed hard and jumped in. I had posted a pic on the forum and mentioned I would be coming out to see her, so I expected her to recognize me. I walked up and said "Hi,Vicky." She looked at me rather blankly and said "Hi." I like to fainted. "Oh, NO! She doesn't recognize me." I was devastated. I thought "Crap! NOW what?" But I quickly recovered and pushed ahead. I was too deep to back out now.
"I'm Walt, from your site." Then the light came on. She recognized the name. She said, "Thanks for coming out," and stepped forward and gave me a hug. I asked if she had time to sit and chat for a bit and she said "Sure." So, we sat down and I proceeded to unload my spiel. Like I said. I had dived into the deep end, and it was too late to back out now. So I told her my story - about not competing with the big spenders and all that. I told her that she had been thru some horrible times, and here it was Valentines, and she had no one to be her Valentine. I told her about "the cheap crap from Wal-Mart," and gave her the bag. I forget her exact reaction but it was good. She looked over the "crap," smiled, and said Thank you, and gave me another hug. So we chatted until it was time for her to go get ready. She went back stage, and I took a seat.
In the '60's and early '70's, the ladies at the clubs danced. I think generally the cubs chose the music. It was generally upbeat, usually some good rock and roll. And the clubs were active. The guys always treated the girls right, tipped them and had a great time. But then, somewhere n the 70's/early '80's the clubs started letting the girls choose their own music. The girls started complaining that they were "tired," (they had to dance 3 dances every hour and a half or so,) so they always chose what I call "sleeper music." slow, quiet stuff.They lolled around the stage, pretty quiet and mild. It just wasn't fun any more. And the club in Wichita was no different.
But, let me tell you. when Vicky came out, the place exploded. I don't remember the song, but it was hard rock and roll and it was loud. And Vicky was in her "Viking Vixen" outfit. In seconds, the crowd at the stage was three deep and they were all throwing dollars. Three songs, loud and hard. And she did other stuff, too. She put on a strap-in, then sold these small 8" or so plastic rings for a dollar. Then she knelt at the back of the stage and promised an autographed 8x10 to everyone who made a ringer. I mean, the place went nuts. Without a doubt, the greatest show I've ever seen. She did that twice, and between sets, she was set up in an elevated area where she shot Polaroids with everyone for $10. Yes, I got one, still have it.
Well, come closing, and, if you've ever been to one of those clubs at closing, you know they throw you out, period. I told them I wantd to go say goodbye to Vicky and they said "Wait outside," and directed me toward the door. Well, I left, but didn't want to hang around outside, as I had no idea when she'd be out. So I went on back to my hotel. Once there, I called her to apologize for not saying good bye. I didn't want her to think I just walked out and didn't care. The answering machine came on, so I left a message.
In about 10 minutes she called back. We talked a bit and I mentioned that if she needed a ride home, I could do that. She went to check something, came back and said, You know? I do need a ride." I think it took me about 23 seconds to get there.
.
The rest of the weekend went fantastic. We stopped to eat on the way home, went to breakfast the next morning, went to the gym, and back to the club Saturday night. And the rest is history. We've become best friends, I've met some of the most beautiful women in the business, and "happy camper" doesn't begin to explain how much I love all this. I'm not shy anymore, have met several other stars at conventions, and have no qualms whatsoever in just walking up and saying hi.
The gist of the story is, If you want to get something one, the only is just to swallow your ride, get out there and do it. Long story, Drew, but that's what happens when you just walk up and say "hi." It does work. As far s driving is concerned, have one of your friends come over, then you and he/she drive somewhere. Maybe stay in the country for a while til you get comfortable with driving and the traffic.
I've been TheShyGuy most of my life. The prettier a girl was, the harder it was to talk to her. I know I missed a lot of good opportunities. Probably one of the reasons I stayed single most of my life. I hated rejection, so I wouldn't put myself in those situations. Oh, I got along ok, dated my share. But, if things looked like they might get serious, I'd back away.
It didn't really bother me. Like I said, I had great fun through my life. Often thought it would sure be nice to find a nice lady I could maybe settle down with. I even, on occasion, wondered if Mom and Dad wondered if I was homosexual.
I wasn't around home, so I never discussed the women I was dating or anything like that. But, I was otherwise generally happy with my life. I had the freedom to go where I wanted and do what I wanted.And then, along came Mary -- Oh wait that's a song. And then, along came Vicky.
Like most here, I ran across a clip of hers. I looked around the internet and found her site. At this time, I was new to internet porn. This would have been in mid 2005 or so. Also at this time, she was married to her husband. Her site was maybe 6-8 months old. Apparently she feature danced, and she shot content for other companies, such as Naughty America.
I found her forum and started reading. Her members seemed nice enough, and got along good. But, then, toward the end of 2005, things took a turn for the worse for her. And she came on the forum and told everyone about what was going on. Well, call me a sucker for a pretty girl with a sob story. ("Walt, you're a suc..." "Ok, Ok, I GET IT!
) Things went from bad to worse, and she discussed it all here in the forum. I was really taken. First I wondered how she could come here and tell these bad things to what amounted to strangers. Like everyone, I felt bad for her.Finally, new Years Eve, 2005, I decided I had to join, so I could comment on the forum. So I did. Then, sometime in January, she made the decision that she needed to get over it and move on. She decided to return to feature dancing, I assume to take her mind off of things. So, she announced that she was going to appear in Wichita, Kansas. Suddenly I thought, "Wichita? I can do that. So, old "SuckerForASobStory" Walt decided to pack up the old Jalopy and head to Wichita. Didn't have a plan in mind, but just felt, "someone needs to tell her that we care." This was in early February, and it struck me, "Gee, now she doesn't have anyone to wish her a Happy Valentines." And I decided it was up to me to fix that. I have no idea what I was thinking. Here was old ShyGuy actually driving 700 miles to meet a porn star. Hell, I was like Raj in BigBangTheory. Talk to a beautiful woman? Oh, hell, no. I still have no idea what put all of this into my mind. I just knew that I wanted to go meet this woman and see if I could put a little smile on her face.
As I got close to Wichita I started thinking, (a dangerous proposition, at best.
) I need to get her something for Valentines. I saw Vicky all ready as this big porn star. So I knew there was no way I could compete financially with the kind of men in her world. I figured she was always surrounded by the big spenders. So, I thought, "Walt, the best thing you've got going for you is silliness. So that's how you do it."I decided I would go to Wal-Mart and just buy some cheap Valentines crap, and hope I could make her laugh. So, I did. Found a small metal basket with little plastic hearts hanging off of it. I bought some green Easter grass, a small teddy bear, and one of those cheap chocolate roses, along with 3 or 4 other cheap things. Put it all on a bag and, at the designated time, headed for the club.
She wasn't there yet, so I sat down and had a beer. It was early yet and wasn't too crowded. Then she came in. Of course I recognsed her immediately. She stood there adapting to the dark, so I swallowed hard and jumped in. I had posted a pic on the forum and mentioned I would be coming out to see her, so I expected her to recognize me. I walked up and said "Hi,Vicky." She looked at me rather blankly and said "Hi." I like to fainted. "Oh, NO! She doesn't recognize me." I was devastated. I thought "Crap! NOW what?" But I quickly recovered and pushed ahead. I was too deep to back out now.
"I'm Walt, from your site." Then the light came on. She recognized the name. She said, "Thanks for coming out," and stepped forward and gave me a hug. I asked if she had time to sit and chat for a bit and she said "Sure." So, we sat down and I proceeded to unload my spiel. Like I said. I had dived into the deep end, and it was too late to back out now. So I told her my story - about not competing with the big spenders and all that. I told her that she had been thru some horrible times, and here it was Valentines, and she had no one to be her Valentine. I told her about "the cheap crap from Wal-Mart," and gave her the bag. I forget her exact reaction but it was good. She looked over the "crap,"
smiled, and said Thank you, and gave me another hug. So we chatted until it was time for her to go get ready. She went back stage, and I took a seat.In the '60's and early '70's, the ladies at the clubs danced. I think generally the cubs chose the music. It was generally upbeat, usually some good rock and roll. And the clubs were active. The guys always treated the girls right, tipped them and had a great time. But then, somewhere n the 70's/early '80's the clubs started letting the girls choose their own music. The girls started complaining that they were "tired," (they had to dance 3 dances every hour and a half or so,) so they always chose what I call "sleeper music." slow, quiet stuff.They lolled around the stage, pretty quiet and mild. It just wasn't fun any more. And the club in Wichita was no different.
But, let me tell you. when Vicky came out, the place exploded. I don't remember the song, but it was hard rock and roll and it was loud. And Vicky was in her "Viking Vixen" outfit. In seconds, the crowd at the stage was three deep and they were all throwing dollars. Three songs, loud and hard. And she did other stuff, too. She put on a strap-in, then sold these small 8" or so plastic rings for a dollar. Then she knelt at the back of the stage and promised an autographed 8x10 to everyone who made a ringer. I mean, the place went nuts. Without a doubt, the greatest show I've ever seen. She did that twice, and between sets, she was set up in an elevated area where she shot Polaroids with everyone for $10. Yes, I got one, still have it.
Well, come closing, and, if you've ever been to one of those clubs at closing, you know they throw you out, period. I told them I wantd to go say goodbye to Vicky and they said "Wait outside," and directed me toward the door. Well, I left, but didn't want to hang around outside, as I had no idea when she'd be out. So I went on back to my hotel. Once there, I called her to apologize for not saying good bye. I didn't want her to think I just walked out and didn't care. The answering machine came on, so I left a message.
In about 10 minutes she called back. We talked a bit and I mentioned that if she needed a ride home, I could do that. She went to check something, came back and said, You know? I do need a ride." I think it took me about 23 seconds to get there.
.The rest of the weekend went fantastic. We stopped to eat on the way home, went to breakfast the next morning, went to the gym, and back to the club Saturday night. And the rest is history. We've become best friends, I've met some of the most beautiful women in the business, and "happy camper" doesn't begin to explain how much I love all this. I'm not shy anymore, have met several other stars at conventions, and have no qualms whatsoever in just walking up and saying hi.
The gist of the story is, If you want to get something one, the only is just to swallow your ride, get out there and do it. Long story, Drew, but that's what happens when you just walk up and say "hi." It does work. As far s driving is concerned, have one of your friends come over, then you and he/she drive somewhere. Maybe stay in the country for a while til you get comfortable with driving and the traffic.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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CGYMike
- Chief Historian (Major General)
- Posts: 4686
- Joined: January 13th, 2012, 7:42 pm
- Location: Western Canada
I'm pretty much "old school" and not much for the way younger people meet each other now online.
When I was in my 20's I was scared to death of girls (looking back on it I can't figure out why) There was no internet, no social media, no smart phones...But I was lucky enough to work in a grocery store filled with young people like myself and a lot of good looking girls. It gave me a chance to get over some of my shyness and interact with "real people in the real world"
So much stuff online just doesn't have any depth. Even when you think its there, it's only as genuine and real as the people who put the words into blogs, emails, and messaging. People are whoever or whatever they want to be and sometimes unfortunately things just aren't the way they seem.
I've met a lot of wonderful people online and have been lucky to meet some amazing people, but I have also met some pretty shallow fake people along the way as well. You just have to be real careful where you place your trust so that you don't get hurt.
I met my wife working at that same grocery store...she was the hot cashier, I was the cute stock boy...who would have thought?
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that there are all kinds of way to meet good people. Get involved in your community as a volunteer, meet a nice girl at a grocery store, meet someone at your local church bazaar, join a running club or a gym...there are all kinds of ways to meet people that are not online.
I admire the courage to come forward and tell your story. Many of us, including myself have done the same. Keep taking on every day one at a time and good things will come your way...all the best
Mike
When I was in my 20's I was scared to death of girls (looking back on it I can't figure out why) There was no internet, no social media, no smart phones...But I was lucky enough to work in a grocery store filled with young people like myself and a lot of good looking girls. It gave me a chance to get over some of my shyness and interact with "real people in the real world"
So much stuff online just doesn't have any depth. Even when you think its there, it's only as genuine and real as the people who put the words into blogs, emails, and messaging. People are whoever or whatever they want to be and sometimes unfortunately things just aren't the way they seem.
I've met a lot of wonderful people online and have been lucky to meet some amazing people, but I have also met some pretty shallow fake people along the way as well. You just have to be real careful where you place your trust so that you don't get hurt.
I met my wife working at that same grocery store...she was the hot cashier, I was the cute stock boy...who would have thought?
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that there are all kinds of way to meet good people. Get involved in your community as a volunteer, meet a nice girl at a grocery store, meet someone at your local church bazaar, join a running club or a gym...there are all kinds of ways to meet people that are not online.
I admire the courage to come forward and tell your story. Many of us, including myself have done the same. Keep taking on every day one at a time and good things will come your way...all the best
Mike
Kicking Ass and Taking Names :) 
I can truly sympathize with you, Drew. Anxiety and depression are terrible housemates. No matter how often you throw them out, they always find a way to move back in. You also need to know that they are very common housemates, for many, many of us.
I can give you all the cliche advice (life goes on, things will get better, keep trying - it only takes one time to last forever, etc.), but you already know this and likely bludgeon yourself with such platitudes every time you don't do something about your situation. So I'm going to go a different direction.
Imagine someone's leg hurts. It's gotten pretty bad. Some days it not so bad, but generally it hurts quite a bit. It prevents them from going outside and joining their friends in various activities and having fun. You'd probably recommend that they should go see a doctor. Maybe it's nothing, but maybe it's something that can be treated and made better. Isn't that worth a doctor's visit? I think it is.
So why do we feel differently if it is our heart or our emotions or our anxiety or depression which are hurting us? Maybe something we can say here on the forums will resonate and help but, in the end, we're all amateurs with only our own experiences to call upon. See a professional. It's their business to know why we hurt, why our lives are ruled by anxiety and depression, and what tools we can try using to feel better. Like Walt said, almost everyone needs help at some point. The times I've needed to speak to professionals (counselors, therapists, etc.) they have always been very helpful and some of the things I learned I still use to this day. We're almost all willing to offer help to others, but reluctant to ever ask for it. Thank you for having the courage to reach out. Please reach out again, to a professional of some kind. Things WILL get better.
-Dave
I can give you all the cliche advice (life goes on, things will get better, keep trying - it only takes one time to last forever, etc.), but you already know this and likely bludgeon yourself with such platitudes every time you don't do something about your situation. So I'm going to go a different direction.
Imagine someone's leg hurts. It's gotten pretty bad. Some days it not so bad, but generally it hurts quite a bit. It prevents them from going outside and joining their friends in various activities and having fun. You'd probably recommend that they should go see a doctor. Maybe it's nothing, but maybe it's something that can be treated and made better. Isn't that worth a doctor's visit? I think it is.
So why do we feel differently if it is our heart or our emotions or our anxiety or depression which are hurting us? Maybe something we can say here on the forums will resonate and help but, in the end, we're all amateurs with only our own experiences to call upon. See a professional. It's their business to know why we hurt, why our lives are ruled by anxiety and depression, and what tools we can try using to feel better. Like Walt said, almost everyone needs help at some point. The times I've needed to speak to professionals (counselors, therapists, etc.) they have always been very helpful and some of the things I learned I still use to this day. We're almost all willing to offer help to others, but reluctant to ever ask for it. Thank you for having the courage to reach out. Please reach out again, to a professional of some kind. Things WILL get better.
-Dave
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
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MapleIceCream
- Private
- Posts: 14
- Joined: August 17th, 2016, 5:13 am
Hi.
I can understand this Drew. I'm into my forties now and still struggling with similar challenges. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone the past year and just moving forward in baby steps (notice I haven't even tried to post an avatar yet and mostly don't comment on these forums). I spend a lot of time in a bad space but there are glimmers of things changing as it goes. Just hang in there and thanks for sharing the story.
I can understand this Drew. I'm into my forties now and still struggling with similar challenges. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone the past year and just moving forward in baby steps (notice I haven't even tried to post an avatar yet and mostly don't comment on these forums). I spend a lot of time in a bad space but there are glimmers of things changing as it goes. Just hang in there and thanks for sharing the story.
Very inspiring stories and some good advice from the gentlemen above me. 
Drew, I think you'd be shocked if you found out the exact number of people who struggle with issues like this and it's often underestimated how severely it can damage a person's mental health. I reckon that opening up the way you did and making that post was initially quite a hurdle to take, but I'm glad you did as this place is not a forum with bots. This is the VNA board where REAL people can share whatever is going on in their lives with the rest of the community. It's what makes this place so special and totally different compared to other porn network forums where literally no interaction takes place.
Everyone goes through rough patches at times in life, but it's the way we overcome them which defines who we truly are. You're a really cool guy and I believe you're strong enough to make the clouds disappear so the sun can start shining again. Take it day by day, step by step and always be yourself.
Drew, I think you'd be shocked if you found out the exact number of people who struggle with issues like this and it's often underestimated how severely it can damage a person's mental health. I reckon that opening up the way you did and making that post was initially quite a hurdle to take, but I'm glad you did as this place is not a forum with bots. This is the VNA board where REAL people can share whatever is going on in their lives with the rest of the community. It's what makes this place so special and totally different compared to other porn network forums where literally no interaction takes place.
Everyone goes through rough patches at times in life, but it's the way we overcome them which defines who we truly are. You're a really cool guy and I believe you're strong enough to make the clouds disappear so the sun can start shining again. Take it day by day, step by step and always be yourself.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Well, I'll be the first girl giving advice in here...uh oh. I may be 22 but I feel like I've learned a lot, from myself and from many people in my life and many of the ladies over at Women by Julia Ann (including Julia herself).
I've only ever had 3 bf's. I got dumped in all three. Cheated, used, and heart broken.
My last relationship and the way it ended nearly destroyed me. Some members here got to meet my ex and we only dated for near 5 months but maybe I was stupid to believe he was the one...but I felt it. I wanted marriage, babies, the whole nine yards with him. And one day it's I think we need to break up. You're selfish. You font care about me. (All lies, of course.) It's not something I want to delve into because I've moved on. But for someone who meant the world to you to tell you that "you are the worst mistake of my life and I hate you" and to feel that way...no one should ever feel that way. And I laid down crying, depressed, even having near suicidal thoughts because I was in love and with a broken heart...but I thought of all the mean things he said to me and no one who cares can say that to someone they care about.
So I stood the fuck up. I stopped crying and feeling sorry for myself. Crying and being sad won't turn back time or change things. I'm 22 and as much as I want to settle down and meet "the one", I know I have much time ahead of me.
I have pretty High standards Now when it comes to men. I've been hurt way too much to have it any other way and if I'm worth it to somebody...someday, they'll jump over all of my hurdles if I mean something. And I do.
Drew, I haven't ever spoken to you I don't think, but you seem like a sweet, genuine guy...one that would swim an ocean to a girl if he had to, if that's what it takes...that's what most women want. I can't do long distance. I can't imagine being more than a half hour away from someone let alone an ocean or a country. I know yout heart hurts and it will for a long time...you'll think of her and it'll hurt...it still does for me for my psst ex...but you have to move on. Because you're strong. This girl didn't deserve you, because anyone who cares wouldn't play you like that.
Dating sucks either way. I have a Plenty of Fish and OkCupid account for dating. Tinder too. You want to know how many guys have ignored me (especially when their messages say "read/deleted" after them)?
Probably hundreds. But I'm still going. I met all of my exes on dating sites so maybe that's an issue. Lol. I have anxiety and the fact that I could flirt with a guy who could already have a girlfriend or shoot me down on the spot would kill me.
Most of you guys on Here have called me pretty but for the amount of guys I've messages to be ignored by 98% of them makes me think I'm an orge. Lol. But I'm still doing it. Cause Prince Charming isn't just gonna show up at my door one day.
You'll find the one, Drew. Most girls want that guy who will do anything for them. That girl can suck it honestly. Don't feel bad because she's the one losing an awesome guy like you!
I meant for this to be way more inspiring but I'm so exhausted from work... :(
I've only ever had 3 bf's. I got dumped in all three. Cheated, used, and heart broken.
My last relationship and the way it ended nearly destroyed me. Some members here got to meet my ex and we only dated for near 5 months but maybe I was stupid to believe he was the one...but I felt it. I wanted marriage, babies, the whole nine yards with him. And one day it's I think we need to break up. You're selfish. You font care about me. (All lies, of course.) It's not something I want to delve into because I've moved on. But for someone who meant the world to you to tell you that "you are the worst mistake of my life and I hate you" and to feel that way...no one should ever feel that way. And I laid down crying, depressed, even having near suicidal thoughts because I was in love and with a broken heart...but I thought of all the mean things he said to me and no one who cares can say that to someone they care about.
So I stood the fuck up. I stopped crying and feeling sorry for myself. Crying and being sad won't turn back time or change things. I'm 22 and as much as I want to settle down and meet "the one", I know I have much time ahead of me.
I have pretty High standards Now when it comes to men. I've been hurt way too much to have it any other way and if I'm worth it to somebody...someday, they'll jump over all of my hurdles if I mean something. And I do.
Drew, I haven't ever spoken to you I don't think, but you seem like a sweet, genuine guy...one that would swim an ocean to a girl if he had to, if that's what it takes...that's what most women want. I can't do long distance. I can't imagine being more than a half hour away from someone let alone an ocean or a country. I know yout heart hurts and it will for a long time...you'll think of her and it'll hurt...it still does for me for my psst ex...but you have to move on. Because you're strong. This girl didn't deserve you, because anyone who cares wouldn't play you like that.
Dating sucks either way. I have a Plenty of Fish and OkCupid account for dating. Tinder too. You want to know how many guys have ignored me (especially when their messages say "read/deleted" after them)?
Probably hundreds. But I'm still going. I met all of my exes on dating sites so maybe that's an issue. Lol. I have anxiety and the fact that I could flirt with a guy who could already have a girlfriend or shoot me down on the spot would kill me.
Most of you guys on Here have called me pretty but for the amount of guys I've messages to be ignored by 98% of them makes me think I'm an orge. Lol. But I'm still doing it. Cause Prince Charming isn't just gonna show up at my door one day.
You'll find the one, Drew. Most girls want that guy who will do anything for them. That girl can suck it honestly. Don't feel bad because she's the one losing an awesome guy like you!
I meant for this to be way more inspiring but I'm so exhausted from work... :(
Show me your kitties. >:D
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
Kirstie, what you've experienced on dating sites just proves what we're saying about on-line dating. You (meaning people) need to get outside and meet people - in person - where you can hear their voice, where you can look into their eyes. That's how you learn who to trust. And even that doesn't always work. Remember, "Actions speak louder than words." People can say anything they want. But if they say something then come up with a lame excuse to change something, that's a red flag. You can go along with that. But, if it happens again that's a Red flag along with a loud siren. One more is not only a valid excuse to jump ship, it is a CALL for you to jump ship NOW! You are now on the Titanic! And it has hit the ice berg.
I've written before about my experience with my HS sweetheart. Basically, we reconnected in 2003, after 35 years of so of being lost. Supposedly she still felt the same, we supposedly were going to get married if life brought us that chance. (She was married at that point.) We decided the right way was to stay friends, and if life gave us that chance, we would move forward. So, we stayed in close touch, I became friends with her husband, and we all hung out 3 or 4 times a year.
Then he died, and we discussed a mourning period for her, and then we would move on. 10 months. Then, one night she called me and said "I don't love you and I can't marry you." That's it. No discussion, no explanation, nothing. Yeah it hurt like hell. Many sleepless nights, many tears (oops, no. TheOldGuy does not
, lol.) I had even very nearly quit the VNA because she didn't like that. Well, I know I could always come back, but I'm glad it didn't even get that far.
Point is, it can happen to anyone, from strangers to people you deeply trust. This is why you have to be strong. You are better than them. Pick yourself up, remember that YOU are the strong one, HE (or she) is the loser in the deal, and get out there and mingle.
MapleIceCream, good for you. Get out there, then come back here and talk to us. All of us need help at one time or another. But then we need to get up, get out, and get going. I met Vicky Vette because I decided to do just that. I had no idea where it would go, but I knew I was going to swallow my pride, get out there and meet her.
And I did.
And here I am.
I've written before about my experience with my HS sweetheart. Basically, we reconnected in 2003, after 35 years of so of being lost. Supposedly she still felt the same, we supposedly were going to get married if life brought us that chance. (She was married at that point.) We decided the right way was to stay friends, and if life gave us that chance, we would move forward. So, we stayed in close touch, I became friends with her husband, and we all hung out 3 or 4 times a year.
Then he died, and we discussed a mourning period for her, and then we would move on. 10 months. Then, one night she called me and said "I don't love you and I can't marry you." That's it. No discussion, no explanation, nothing. Yeah it hurt like hell. Many sleepless nights, many tears (oops, no. TheOldGuy does not
, lol.) I had even very nearly quit the VNA because she didn't like that. Well, I know I could always come back, but I'm glad it didn't even get that far.Point is, it can happen to anyone, from strangers to people you deeply trust. This is why you have to be strong. You are better than them. Pick yourself up, remember that YOU are the strong one, HE (or she) is the loser in the deal, and get out there and mingle.
MapleIceCream, good for you. Get out there, then come back here and talk to us. All of us need help at one time or another. But then we need to get up, get out, and get going. I met Vicky Vette because I decided to do just that. I had no idea where it would go, but I knew I was going to swallow my pride, get out there and meet her.
And I did.
And here I am.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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TheBoy
- Sergeant First Class
- Posts: 645
- Joined: November 23rd, 2010, 10:42 am
- Location: Derbyshire, England
Wow you guys... I knew you would all be supportive, but I didn't expect this level!
I suppose the first thing I should say is that even after a single night's sleep (I had to resort to a sleeping tablet, but at least it worked), I have felt a lot calmer today. Having a hugely busy day with work has helped I suppose as it takes my mind of the other side of life.
When I first discovered her other relationship in November, I was in a similar state and visited the doctor. They prescribed the sleeping pills and suggested anti-depressants, but I decided against the latter. Because I have had these issues in my teenage years and how I've managed to get myself to where I am now (well, let's say 3 months ago!), I KNOW that I can overcome them again. Even though this horrible disease never ever leaves you, I know I can at least manage them - but I always need help and know that there will always be times when things get on top of me. Another problem with resorting to anti-depressants is they initially take 3 weeks to kick in anyway and I hope that within that time I can get myself back on some kind of level footing as I have done before. Plus I know that once I am on them, I would find it super hard to come off them - I know my mind would make me believe they were essential. Maybe that's not important if they worked and helped me... but it scares me to think of relying on something like that.
I have been told about cognitive behavioural therapy, which the doctors can refer me to and perhaps this is something I should really look in to now. This is a description of CBT: Based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle. CBT aims to help you deal with overwhelming problems in a more positive way by breaking them down into smaller parts. You're shown how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel. Unlike some other talking treatments, CBT deals with your current problems, rather than focusing on issues from your past. It looks for practical ways to improve your state of mind on a daily basis.
I am kind of sceptical because, again in my teens I had regular sessions with a psychiatrist and I have to be honest, didn't find it very useful. But CBT does sound very much like it could be worth me giving a shot.
I certainly need to get out of this cycle because I really have let her and what we have... had take over my life. Trying to find that first step away is daunting because it's hard to know where to start.
Kirstie, thank you so much for your reply. It definitely gives me lots to think about and I admire massively your openness in telling me about your experiences especially with the online dating stuff.
MapleIceCream - Don't be afraid to post more and use this great place to help in any way you can. I'm not the most active but I knew I could share all of the above on here with no worries. We all need help in some way and congratulations on taking even baby steps out of your comfort zone. I know full well how hard even that can be.
Thanks again to everyone. I will keep you posted with any developments!
I suppose the first thing I should say is that even after a single night's sleep (I had to resort to a sleeping tablet, but at least it worked), I have felt a lot calmer today. Having a hugely busy day with work has helped I suppose as it takes my mind of the other side of life.
When I first discovered her other relationship in November, I was in a similar state and visited the doctor. They prescribed the sleeping pills and suggested anti-depressants, but I decided against the latter. Because I have had these issues in my teenage years and how I've managed to get myself to where I am now (well, let's say 3 months ago!), I KNOW that I can overcome them again. Even though this horrible disease never ever leaves you, I know I can at least manage them - but I always need help and know that there will always be times when things get on top of me. Another problem with resorting to anti-depressants is they initially take 3 weeks to kick in anyway and I hope that within that time I can get myself back on some kind of level footing as I have done before. Plus I know that once I am on them, I would find it super hard to come off them - I know my mind would make me believe they were essential. Maybe that's not important if they worked and helped me... but it scares me to think of relying on something like that.
I have been told about cognitive behavioural therapy, which the doctors can refer me to and perhaps this is something I should really look in to now. This is a description of CBT: Based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle. CBT aims to help you deal with overwhelming problems in a more positive way by breaking them down into smaller parts. You're shown how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel. Unlike some other talking treatments, CBT deals with your current problems, rather than focusing on issues from your past. It looks for practical ways to improve your state of mind on a daily basis.
I am kind of sceptical because, again in my teens I had regular sessions with a psychiatrist and I have to be honest, didn't find it very useful. But CBT does sound very much like it could be worth me giving a shot.
I certainly need to get out of this cycle because I really have let her and what we have... had take over my life. Trying to find that first step away is daunting because it's hard to know where to start.
Kirstie, thank you so much for your reply. It definitely gives me lots to think about and I admire massively your openness in telling me about your experiences especially with the online dating stuff.
MapleIceCream - Don't be afraid to post more and use this great place to help in any way you can. I'm not the most active but I knew I could share all of the above on here with no worries. We all need help in some way and congratulations on taking even baby steps out of your comfort zone. I know full well how hard even that can be.
Thanks again to everyone. I will keep you posted with any developments!
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stickyvicky
- Commander in briefs
- Posts: 26473
- Joined: March 25th, 2005, 8:41 am
- Location: Southwest Florida
- Contact:
This is a beautiful thread. My God it almost brought tears to my eyes reading all of it! A far cry from other forums where people just spew hate and negativity! So much love here. I don't have a lot to add Drew, so many great ideas have already been put forth. Except I just think you need to be more active. Join a gym and go every day at the same time. That way you will see the same people day in and day out and get to know them all. Start volunteering at a dog/cat shelter. You will meet amazing loving people. Take a pottery class. Take any class at all. Photography? Cooking? Anything. Volunteer at a hospital wheeling people around in wheelchairs and taking them to appointments. Go help make food at the homeless shelter. Go door to door collecting blankets and old clothes for the shelter. Anything you do, you will be doing a good deed and meeting new people every day. Nice people. Who care about other people.
Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.
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Drew, I've been depressed too. I still fight it, and I have anxiety, so you can understand how bad that is. One moment I'll be so happy and it just takes one thing, a simple moment or a thought, and I'm lost. I've gotten lost inside myself for so long and let all of the darkness consume me and there comes a time where you have to choose if you want to let it control you or not. Our mind does this to us. I'm not perfect. We all have good and bad moments, and sometimes it's our own minds and struggles bringing them on.
I want so much to be in a relationship and be loved...but I've learned you have to take care of yourself. You have to love yourself. There were times I looked in the mirror and felt sick cause I just hated how I was and thought something was wrong with me because I was single. Nothing is wrong with me. Nowadays I look in the mirror, I smile and turn and enjoy my body...I love my curves. Sure, I'd like to be skinnier but I love who I am and my body. We can't rush things as much as we want them to happen. We have to take it all a day at a time. It'll all come together eventually. I take a walk, listen to music and I just try to enjoy myself. Some days are harder than others but just know you'll be okay. <3
I want so much to be in a relationship and be loved...but I've learned you have to take care of yourself. You have to love yourself. There were times I looked in the mirror and felt sick cause I just hated how I was and thought something was wrong with me because I was single. Nothing is wrong with me. Nowadays I look in the mirror, I smile and turn and enjoy my body...I love my curves. Sure, I'd like to be skinnier but I love who I am and my body. We can't rush things as much as we want them to happen. We have to take it all a day at a time. It'll all come together eventually. I take a walk, listen to music and I just try to enjoy myself. Some days are harder than others but just know you'll be okay. <3
Show me your kitties. >:D
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TheBoy
- Sergeant First Class
- Posts: 645
- Joined: November 23rd, 2010, 10:42 am
- Location: Derbyshire, England
Hey guys :)
Thought I should post a quick update just to let everyone know I have been feeling more 'normal' over the past couple of days.
Kirstie - I do indeed know what a vicious circle depression and anxiety can be and my heart goes out to anyone who goes through it :( It's been a curse to bear for most of my teen and adult life. It's also often that people do not fully understand or accept unless they have experienced it first hand for themselves. You see celebrities having these problems and always hear comments about them such as "why on earth should they be depressed with all that money?" without realising that life is much deeper than that. Sure they may have money, but maybe just like us regular people, they are looking for something that money can't buy like true love or to have kids. The human mind is far more complex than maybe we will ever understand the full limits of.
Thank you again for your kind, honest and inspiring words!
Vicky - Getting out more is something I know I have to do and I will find a way of doing that :)
Thanks again everybody, I will keep you all posted!
Thought I should post a quick update just to let everyone know I have been feeling more 'normal' over the past couple of days.
Kirstie - I do indeed know what a vicious circle depression and anxiety can be and my heart goes out to anyone who goes through it :( It's been a curse to bear for most of my teen and adult life. It's also often that people do not fully understand or accept unless they have experienced it first hand for themselves. You see celebrities having these problems and always hear comments about them such as "why on earth should they be depressed with all that money?" without realising that life is much deeper than that. Sure they may have money, but maybe just like us regular people, they are looking for something that money can't buy like true love or to have kids. The human mind is far more complex than maybe we will ever understand the full limits of.
Thank you again for your kind, honest and inspiring words!
Vicky - Getting out more is something I know I have to do and I will find a way of doing that :)
Thanks again everybody, I will keep you all posted!
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31033
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
You're a very sharp dude, Drew. Your comments show a good understanding of the human psyche. I'm guessing you have most everything you need, right there with you. You just need to apply it, at whatever speed works for you. I'v never had the kind of issues you detail, but I will be the first to admit that most all of us don't get too deep with people, so we have no clue what they might be going thru. You being able to talk about it is a very good sign.
I can resist everything except temptation.
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BoobMonkey
- Private
- Posts: 16
- Joined: December 25th, 2016, 1:53 pm
- Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
Hi there everyone....I'm Alistair (Al) from Scotland and a VNA (relative)-newbie. The BoobMonkey name didn't seem personal enough for this thread....!
I really sympathise with you Drew and can offer not much other than empathy I guess. However, I'd also echo what others have said about on-line dating.....in my experience, it's a lot of hard work for little or no return.
I was married and then left by my wife of 1.5 years (about 5 years total relationship) in pretty unexpected, abrupt circumstances. Hindsight, with its 20-20 perspective, led me to realise I was well rid of her (concise version....after recurring bouts of depression, mucho therapy - some helpful, most absolutely hopeless - I concluded my passive nature had allowed me to be used as a doormat and she legged it as soon as she realised the doormat had his limits...). Although I didn't want her back and knew I'd actually had a lucky escape, the way she had deceived me during our relationship and the way she left completely undermined my ability to trust.
In the intervening years I've been to some dark places and haven't had any "normal" relationships. I have, however, spent lots of time in pole dancing clubs, visited some escorts (many porn stars escort and I originally did it so that I could meet some of my favourite stars) and have developed my enthusiasm for porn and pornstars. I've had lots of really fantastic experiences with escorts....it's not for everyone but, if you use reputable agencies and are careful about who you meet I can vouch for it being a rewarding experience. My self confidence and, perhaps critically, my sexual self-confidence have improved immeasurably and I have met some genuinely amazing, lovely people.
What with my upbringing and having had pretty straight-laced parents who were responsible for a lot of my former straight-jacketed thinking, the me of 15 years ago would not have believed where the me of today is in terms of my attitude to sex and relationships. I'm happier now than I have ever been and I credit the attitude and openness of many great female pornstars with this liberation.
Finally...a quote from the 13th century poet Rumi...“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
My interpretation? You have to learn to love yourself before anything else will work. Don't settle for second best, don't put up with people who want to use you or take advantage of your good nature. There ARE people out there, among the users, liars and cheats who will value decency, honesty and openness. Don't give up hope.
To use a musical reference....Don't Stop Believin'!
Best wishes
Al
I really sympathise with you Drew and can offer not much other than empathy I guess. However, I'd also echo what others have said about on-line dating.....in my experience, it's a lot of hard work for little or no return.
I was married and then left by my wife of 1.5 years (about 5 years total relationship) in pretty unexpected, abrupt circumstances. Hindsight, with its 20-20 perspective, led me to realise I was well rid of her (concise version....after recurring bouts of depression, mucho therapy - some helpful, most absolutely hopeless - I concluded my passive nature had allowed me to be used as a doormat and she legged it as soon as she realised the doormat had his limits...). Although I didn't want her back and knew I'd actually had a lucky escape, the way she had deceived me during our relationship and the way she left completely undermined my ability to trust.
In the intervening years I've been to some dark places and haven't had any "normal" relationships. I have, however, spent lots of time in pole dancing clubs, visited some escorts (many porn stars escort and I originally did it so that I could meet some of my favourite stars) and have developed my enthusiasm for porn and pornstars. I've had lots of really fantastic experiences with escorts....it's not for everyone but, if you use reputable agencies and are careful about who you meet I can vouch for it being a rewarding experience. My self confidence and, perhaps critically, my sexual self-confidence have improved immeasurably and I have met some genuinely amazing, lovely people.
What with my upbringing and having had pretty straight-laced parents who were responsible for a lot of my former straight-jacketed thinking, the me of 15 years ago would not have believed where the me of today is in terms of my attitude to sex and relationships. I'm happier now than I have ever been and I credit the attitude and openness of many great female pornstars with this liberation.
Finally...a quote from the 13th century poet Rumi...“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
My interpretation? You have to learn to love yourself before anything else will work. Don't settle for second best, don't put up with people who want to use you or take advantage of your good nature. There ARE people out there, among the users, liars and cheats who will value decency, honesty and openness. Don't give up hope.
To use a musical reference....Don't Stop Believin'!
Best wishes
Al
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stickyvicky
- Commander in briefs
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Great advice! Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.Sext with me & VNA Girls on Loyal Fans!
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TheBoy
- Sergeant First Class
- Posts: 645
- Joined: November 23rd, 2010, 10:42 am
- Location: Derbyshire, England
Thanks for your message Al I massively appreciate your honesty and advice. Visiting an escort is something I've thought about trying a number of times in the past, but never had the confidence to try it. There is one tiny other detail that maybe some of you might have guessed and that's the rather sad fact that I haven't had any experience at all with women. Yep, 33 and never even been kissed. It has never massively bothered me in the past (what you don't know you're missing can't hurt you I guess!) being happy enough entertaining myself so to speak with Annette. But it's always something that comes into my head when considering the idea of visiting an escort that this would be my first time... Maybe that's exactly what I need - maybe there are girls who specialise in this kind of situation?
The other side of this is my family. I live with my mum, dad and Grandma who I help to look after. Because I'm not one for nights out or whatever alone and would know if I was making some kind of excuse to go somewhere. They probably would totally understand (especially now with how lonely I am feeling) and of course I'm a grown man lol, but it still adds to the complications of which I seem to find plenty of :(
Thanks again everyone. I have to be honest and say today has not been that great so far. When the blues hit, they are hitting like a brick to the head right now.
The other side of this is my family. I live with my mum, dad and Grandma who I help to look after. Because I'm not one for nights out or whatever alone and would know if I was making some kind of excuse to go somewhere. They probably would totally understand (especially now with how lonely I am feeling) and of course I'm a grown man lol, but it still adds to the complications of which I seem to find plenty of :(
Thanks again everyone. I have to be honest and say today has not been that great so far. When the blues hit, they are hitting like a brick to the head right now.
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BoobMonkey
- Private
- Posts: 16
- Joined: December 25th, 2016, 1:53 pm
- Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
Again, you've got my sympathy....depression is an absolute beast of an illness and it's difficult to appreciate its impact unless you've been there. Re CBT, I've had a couple of courses....my opinion is it very much depends on your therapist (there are some cowboys practising in the UK...although I can only say that now with the benefit of hindsight...I came to the conclusion I'd have been better off patting a dog for an hour than seeing some of the therapists I've visited in the past...hmm...Dognitive Behavioural Therapy....I may be on to something there).
I read a lot of books about mental health issues and eventually, in combination with some excellent counselling, began to see a way out of the woods. My advice...for what it's worth....give it a go, try to keep an open mind but don't suspend your critical faculties...if you don't think it's working after, say, 4 or 5 sessions don't be afraid to stop and try something else.
Re the escorts...I think you'll find (or rather, I hope you'd find) that these ladies have experienced all sorts of people, all sorts of situations and all sorts of experience levels. In my experience, open mindedness and empathy tends to be the norm with these professionals. I'd recommend the escort experience much more wholeheartedly than counselling/therapy.....and you'll likely find escorts are pretty good listeners, pretty smart and pretty good at giving advice.
I read a lot of books about mental health issues and eventually, in combination with some excellent counselling, began to see a way out of the woods. My advice...for what it's worth....give it a go, try to keep an open mind but don't suspend your critical faculties...if you don't think it's working after, say, 4 or 5 sessions don't be afraid to stop and try something else.
Re the escorts...I think you'll find (or rather, I hope you'd find) that these ladies have experienced all sorts of people, all sorts of situations and all sorts of experience levels. In my experience, open mindedness and empathy tends to be the norm with these professionals. I'd recommend the escort experience much more wholeheartedly than counselling/therapy.....and you'll likely find escorts are pretty good listeners, pretty smart and pretty good at giving advice.
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