Suicide

[Rpierce56]

I am going to apologize up front for this but it needs to be talked about in the wake of two high profile suicide. I am talking about Chris Cornel and Chip Bennington. I have read many things in regards to this subject because it is something very prominent in my life. At first glance you would look at these two men as well as Robin Williams and wonder why? I can tell you first hand the pain is real. Each day in this country apporx 29 people take their lives for what ever reason. Many could have been helped, some not. What I have found and know first hand is there are two types of survivors. The first one are those left behind, family and friends who are left wondering what could have been done to prevent it. The other are those who have tried and failed. I belong to this group. This is something I have talked about with my therapist, but I feel safe enough here to tell my story. Six years ago I was in a relationship that at first was pretty good. As time went on my girlfriend became very emotionally abusive. She was good. She knew that my biggest fear was to loose my freedom and that was her ticket to control me. Now I am not a small man, I worked in a Maximum security detention facility dealing with the biggest pieces of human waste there is. I could handle my self in every situation, but had no way to deal with what I was going through at home. I received no compassion, love, understanding or any of the emotional support one needs in their life. Over time it wears you down to a point that depression takes over. I mean I was a Corrections Officer why I am allowing this to happen. I began to feel it was my fault and I deserved it even though in my heart no one deserves it. At the worst point in my life on top of what was happening at home I began to have trouble at work. Catching write up after write up for stupid shit. On my lowest day after working three 16 hour days I was assigned to the hospital. This required me to carry a firearm. I sat there as I always did listening to this asshole whine about he deserves. Mind you here was under arrest for molesting and allowing his kids to starve. At one point I needed to use the restroom. I stood in front of the mirror and no longer recognized the person looking back at me. I pulled my weapon, placed it to my head and pulled the trigger. Click. In my state of mind on that day I had forgot to chamber a round. I then placed in back in my holster and return to my duty. I felt nothing at the time, no remorse, no sadness at who would be left behind. I just wanted the pain to end. I do not tell this story to ask for sympathy or understanding or anything. I tell this because each day I am alive I fight that same battle. Lately it has begun to get away from. The loneliness and depression is I feel has gotten to much for me to handle. If you know someone, anyone who you may think is suffering reach out, because most times we will not. We will suffer in shame for how we feel and feel as if we are all alone. Do not tell them they have nothing to be depressed about, obviously they do, no one can know the pain they are in. I suggest that you simply let them know they are not alone, allow them to tell you what they feel. Do not judge them, let them know they are not alone. I am alone which makes each day a battle I longer want to fight. Again I am sorry if this is to heavy for this site.

[PeterL22]

Don't apologise for posting something "serious". You are brave to give us this insight to your life and pain. As someone who has tried to help people with depression and suicidal thoughts for many years, and also someone who has had similar thoughts for a few years, I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is . I do think that the fact that someone is there with you and is non-judgemental can help. I don't think its about "treating" an illness but just being there.

[Maggie Green]

Wow, it's very brave of you to tell your story. You are certainly not alone! Depression will make you feel that way though. Not sure if it's my place to ask but have you tried antidepressants and/or therapy? There are so many good medications out there now that can really make a difference. A few years ago, a friend of mine lost her brother to suicide. He was an elementary school teacher married with a young daughter and it was a shock to everyone. He had been hiding his depression and anxiety and wasn't able to reach out for help. It's important to know that you are not alone, millions of people face these kinds of feelings and there is help available. I also hope that you have been able to get out of that abusive relationship. Nobody deserves to treated poorly! XOXO

[stickyvicky]

I have been having a hard time responding to this thread as it is very near to my heart. Brings back a lot of memories. A lot of you know that my husband of 18 years (before Dave) committed suicide. I have written 5 different replies to this and deleted them... I don't know what I want to say, so I'll try again later. Just know that you are not alone. There are a lot of people who do care. Just reach out. There are all kinds of support groups you can go to. It's not easy but force yourself to go. Make a decision, then countdown 5-4-3-2-1 then get off your ass and go. It's worth it, you are worth it.

[Rpierce56]

I have been having a hard time responding to this thread as it is very near to my heart. Brings back a lot of memories. A lot of you know that my husband of 18 years (before Dave) committed suicide. I have written 5 different replies to this and deleted them... I don't know what I want to say, so I'll try again later. Just know that you are not alone. There are a lot of people who do care. Just reach out. There are all kinds of support groups you can go to. It's not easy but force yourself to go. Make a decision, then countdown 5-4-3-2-1 then get off your ass and go. It's worth it, you are worth it.

Vicky I am so sorry that this brought up those memories. If I had know I would never have done this. I am getting help just to let you know.

[stickyvicky]

Dont be sorry! It's important for everyone to have awareness. Just rhat its hard to out things into words and sometimes im afraid it may not come out right and. And i offend people with my directness....

[hennar2017]

I wrote once but for some reason it did not send so will try again. Rpierce56, do not be afraid to speak out about this, maybe this is one step to self-help! I am of course no great authority but I wanted to let you know there are people out there who care, even strangers! Keep talking about this and expressing your feelings. Suicide is a VERY big problem and touches every one in some way or another. I had a very close friend who committed suicide and I have felt guilty ever since that I did not see it coming. I suffer from depression but luckily meds. help and when I feel it coming on I surround myself with family, friends, and pray a lot. So, talk, talk, occupy yourself with something to get your mind in another place. People do care!

[Kirstie]

I feel like we all in some way are going through things that are difficult and make us want to quit. I may only be 23 but there were times in my life that I just wanted to lay down and give up...quite recently too, and ending it crossed my mind once or twice...what would people think, would it matter to them, etc. I never attempted it though. But the thoughts were there. I get those dark moments sometimes And it takes a bit to get out. The mind can be a bad place.
I think some of us do know what you're going through, Randy. In our own way. But don't give up. Eventually, it'll get better. You can see how dark I was on early posts on WbJA. I was struggling so hard. Julia helped. She kind of kicked my ass in the right direction even though it was ultimately up to me to fix myself. I'm not perfect. I get sad and frustrated and upset. Over stupid things. Over a year ago, I wanted nothing but to get out of bed...
Now I've been in an amazing relationship for over a year, on my way to becoming an LPN...

Believe me. It gets better.

[rokkerr]

https://avn.com/business/articles/video ... QY.twitter

A performer just recently committed suicide...


... hell of a post RPierce... I too had a lunatic in my life at one point who was mentally and physically abusive. It got to the point that I finally ended up getting a restraining order.
The mind is a difficult thing. For some reason we stay with people who are evil... thinking that somehow either we can fix them or that it's really just us not making them happy.
Depression that resulted from that fiasco really drug me down into some dark places for a number of years.

If you care to DM me to chat... feel free to hit me up.

[Davest]

Depression is a dark and subtle disease. It waits until we are alone to speak to us. It narrows and blurs our focus so that we cannot see things clearly or in proper perspective. It is more pervasive than most people believe, mostly because it makes us feel shamed and people don't have the courage to talk about it. I have lost several friends to suicide, the most recent was three years ago. I have never been suicidal myself, but have struggled with depression in the past (and probably the present, but lets not go there). I hope everyone else who is struggling is getting the help they need and can see a light ahead.

[PeterL22]

Dont be sorry! It's important for everyone to have awareness. Just rhat its hard to out things into words and sometimes im afraid it may not come out right and. And i offend people with my directness....

Telling the truth and directness should NEVER be a bad thing. It's the lies that we all tell each other (especially when we don't want to upset someone close to us) that cause the problems. If we all think back to something someone has truthfully said to us that hurt at the time it was said - when we thought about it and realised that it was the truth, it was better. Only people that truly love you will always tell it like it is!

[Rpierce56]

First I need to say thank you for reaching out. Over the last few days I have done a great deal of soul searching and trying to understand my past. A lot of what happened in the last few weeks stems from what happened to me when I was 12. I am not going to go in detail about but to say when you thought and felt as if the past was gone you realize that the past has a face and a name and it is amazing what that can trigger in you when you come face to face with that. Even though it happened 46 years ago that memory is now very vivid in my mind. I now know that it cannot hurt me and he cannot hurt me, in fact I am twice his fat ass size and I could do some real damage. The thought are still there, but I now have some control over them. I have looked back at some threads and have seen what some of you and the ladies of the VNA have gone through. I know that I am not alone with all of you behind me. Thank you again for reaching out. It means more than any of you could ever imagine.

[PeterL22]

First I need to say thank you for reaching out. Over the last few days I have done a great deal of soul searching and trying to understand my past. A lot of what happened in the last few weeks stems from what happened to me when I was 12. I am not going to go in detail about but to say when you thought and felt as if the past was gone you realize that the past has a face and a name and it is amazing what that can trigger in you when you come face to face with that. Even though it happened 46 years ago that memory is now very vivid in my mind. I now know that it cannot hurt me and he cannot hurt me, in fact I am twice his fat ass size and I could do some real damage. The thought are still there, but I now have some control over them. I have looked back at some threads and have seen what some of you and the ladies of the VNA have gone through. I know that I am not alone with all of you behind me. Thank you again for reaching out. It means more than any of you could ever imagine.

That is an amazing thing to be able to say! You are pretty strong to be in that position!

[TheBoy]

Hi Rpierce. As someone who recently opened up greatly in a similar way to yourself on here, I can truly sympathise with you. It's an incredibly tough thing to deal with when your own mind starts becoming your own enemy. I'm not sure I can give advice, or if it would even be correct of me to do so. But one thing I do know for sure is that opening up to people who know and care about you, no matter face to face or places like on here, does the world of good. It certainly did me and I'm glad to hear that you too are finding it a big help.

[Rpierce56]

What I have come to learn about myself in the last few weeks is that I am certainly not alone. I have received some very thoughtful notes from a few of you. Rokker, you sir are a prince among men, thank you. I have also learned that time does heal all wounds but the scares remain. I opened my eyes and was witness to some things that made me think. I know I was not the intended recipient of some of the posts but they struck deep in my soul. Julia and Stacey both posted things that hit home along with a couple of other people I know. Never in my life have I ever felt such a sense of belonging as I do here. Vicky I cannot thank you enough for the VNA and all the people who have flocked to this site. I hope you know what you have done for some many of us who lived a life in the shadows.

[stickyvicky]

I'm so glad that people feel safe here. I'm glad I listened to the members and did not make this a public forum.

[hennar2017]

I am glad this isn't a public forum. If it was I definitely would not post as much as I do. I think this a community of its own. All are welcome to enter of course and enjoy the people.