Looking for Honest Opinions

[Kirstie]

I have a situation I'm dealing with and I'm looking for honest opinions...

My boyfriend and I will be together 3 years in two weeks...we broke up a few times in between all that time. I don't live with him at the moment, because of a past break up and I was made to move out. We've been together about 6 months since that last break up. I can get depressed easily and tired and don't want to do nothing but sleep some days but every day off, I spend with Josh, which is about 8 days a month..which doesn't seem like anything but he works during the day and I work during the night. I need to sleep a lot because my job drains me. Josh and I have a lot of issues but this thing really pissed me off...

Josh doesn't have many friends, neither do I...he never hangs out with anyone. He randomly asked me if I would be pissed off if he invited a girl over to hang out. He has one guy friend in town he'll hang out with occasionally. I can get jealous really easily and I'm insecure, so this just sends up red flags. I trust him not to cheat on me and he told me that, but I don't trust some random girl. And more into the conversation, he said the only really he was going to invite her over was because I don't spend enough time with him. So ultimately...I feel like I'm being replaced. Anyone can say they won't cheat but no one can promise they won't fall for someone.

So, I need to know...and be honest... Am I the asshole here? Am I the one in the wrong for being mad that he wants to have a friend that's a girl? Or am I right to be pissed off?

[WalterB]

There is nothing wrong with a man having female friends or a female having male friends. It's a two-way street. But there has to be total trust and respect. And, should something start to creep into the "friendship," either one must be ready to say "NO" at a moments notice.

Now, since he has said what he did, that means, if he wants to see this woman, even as a "friend," he has to meet her out in public. And he should have no problem with you meeting her. If he doesn't want that, that's a serious red flag. It's OK to hang out at the coffee shop. But he has no business bringing another girl over to his place, anymore than you would to bring another man to your place.

I understand your need to have someone in your life, but this doesn't sound like a really solid relationship. I would proceed very carefully. Don't be suspicious of him unless he gives you a reason. But don't be afraid to call it quits if things look sour. Trust your gut. And, don't forget, there are hundreds of thousands of good and decent men out there.

[rokkerr]

Honestly after 3 years and a bunch of break ups it sounds to me like it's time for you guys to make some choices... it's not inherently unhealthy for someone to have female friends, but it isn't great when there has been a history of break ups. If you are serious about him, maybe you should have a frank discussion about where the relationship is going. If it's a casual 8 days a month relationship... with not much more commitment then recognize it for that. If it's more then he should be wary of doing things that upset you. You are obviously upset by this either way... so open up and have that conversation. If he's not willing to meet his 'friend' in public instead of having her over to his house, that should tell you something? He could go to the mall with her rather than chilling on the couch with her... He will likely say you are being paranoid and they are just friends. That being said he has to recognize after being 'made' to move out that this would trigger you a bit.

My 2 cents...

[George B]

Get married and have babies

/very, very, very sarcastic

On a serious note though, simplify your relationship and give yourself the freedom to move on to something better.

[Kirstie]

He told me he already forgot about the girl the next day because I kept hounding him...but then went after me for all sorts of shit that I do wrong...which is literally everything in his book, and that it's all my fault. I don't know why I tolerate it. I hate being a loyal person. I also hate that I'm honestly a pussy and never stand up for myself. We almost have a fight every six months, and it's always him who starts it. I feel like he knows he can do this to me and knows he can get away from it. I thought our relationship was getting better too but clearly I don't know anything. I used to be in love with him so goddamn much. And he won't even apologize to me for all the things he's said to me the past two days...saying it's mean but it's true...and it isn't. If you guys only knew what he said to me. I honestly feel like the past 3 years have been a waste. I really truly hate myself.

[rokkerr]

Luckily Kristie you are young...

NOTHING is worse than a person who puts you down. Having been with someone who did just that... I can only say that once I was no longer with that person, life improved.

Don't allow someone to be mean with you. Life will bring you someone better.

[Kirstie]

I hate that I'm a person that will stick around, hoping for things to get better. There are so many things that are wrong with the relationship but I was relatively happy, just up until recently. I'm already a person that struggles with depression and anxiety...some days it's worse than others...so to have this Shit happen, it just has me so sick. There are things that have happened to us in the past 3 years and I wonder if they didn't happen, if we would be in a better place or if this shit would still be happening anyway... I guess I'll never know.

[WalterB]

I can also pretty much verify that, once you get rid of something toxic in your life, life gets better.

Based on what you say, I'd say, tell him sayonara and send him down the road. Ann Landers says it this way, "Are you better off with him or without him?"

[Kirstie]

Well... I ended it. And this time I'm not going to talk to him when he comes crawling back.

The fucked up thing is, in one of our conversations he admitted to MAKING UP the girl, like it was a game. I feel like she's real but he just said that in a panic cause he actually knows I'm not fucking around now. I went and grabbed what little stuff I had at his house and he was screaming at me on his front porch letting the whole town hear, saying he can't believe I'm leaving him over some fake girl and no one cares about me as much as he did and I'm an asshole and a pussy and I told him you shouldn't have treated me like an asshole. And I couldn't even get a word in. I told him too that he's emotionally and mentally abusive and he screamed at me about that too. Like he actually lost his damn mind.

So, 3 years wasted for me... I don't even want to think about him or dating anyone ever again... Sickening.

[rokkerr]

NOT a waste at all... a learning experience. This will pass... and you will be happier for it.
Nothing worse than a miserable relationship. You will be happier alone... until you meet someone else...

[Kirstie]

It's so heartbreaking... Someone who claims to love and care about you so much, and yet they sabotage you like this...

[WalterB]

What he said....

Kirstie, The short story is that I knew a girl once. I believed we were going to get married. I was so deeply in love with this woman it almost hurt. I was even ready to leave the VNA for her Then, one night she called. She said "I don't love you and can't marry you." And that was pretty much it. No excuse, no reason, nothing. To this day, I don't know what happened.

But it hurt. It hurt like hell. But, you know what? I got over it. The worst might have taken two weeks. But I got over it. One thing I will not do is let someone else run my life. We can both enjoy each others lives together, but it has to be together. And, if it's not, I move on. I will not let someone else run my life. It will bother you for a while, Kirstie, but you will get over it. For now, concentrate on your studies and your job. And, remember, you've got plans. You're pursuing a nursing career. You want to move out on your own. You've got places to go, things to do. You certainly don't have time to sit around and worry about some loser who couldn't sync up with you.

Always look forward, and keep looking up.

[stickyvicky]

So sorry to hear about this Kirstie! Can't believe I didn't see this thread till just now. Learn everything you can from the experience and don't fall into the same traps again.

Let me tell you something from personal experience. You have to love yourself completely and be happy with your own company before you can be good company to someone else. You have to respect yourself and not allow yourself to be treated abusively. I don't know what he said you to but it must have been very hurtful. He sounds like he has a slew of issues himself.

The romantic cards in the store that say things like "you complete me, you make me whole" etc... are bs. You have to be whole and complete yourself first. Two broken people cannot get together and make one whole entity. It will be chaos. Trust me I tried it. When I was younger I was so naive. I thought, "love cures everything, all you need is love". NO it doesn't work that way. I wasted 18 years of my life. You are lucky you only wasted 3. And it's really not wasted if you learn from it.

Try to stay single for a while. Do things you enjoy. Learn new things. Read self help books. Go to a support group, or go volunteer anywhere you can help other people. You will be amazed how theraputical it can be! You will learn a lot about yourself by helping others.

You need to love yourself and be the best authentic version of yourself that you can be, before you can love anyone else.

/rant!

[Kirstie]

I love you, Vicky! ❤ I'm trying. I just feel more betrayed about the whole thing. He really said some nasty things. I really think I made him lose his mind. I'm just feeling lonely and just want some people to talk to... I won't rush into any relationship though.

[WalterB]

What she said. Quit worrying about what he said. You are all about YOU. I say, if people want to jump on my wagon and tag along, let's go. If you don't, so long, been good to know ya.

Like I said, if you let anything about him bother you, you are letting him win. Fuck that. Think about all the things Vicky said, then GET BUSY. Sure, take a couple days to relax and clear your head. But, then, get out there! You GOT this!

[WalterB]

Kirstie, This is from a post on a relative's page. Please, "Keep the faith," and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

My ex use to yell at me if I didn’t know what I wanted to order as soon as we got in the drive thru. My boyfriend tells the drive thru cashier that his “beautiful future wife will be a few minutes.” And tells me to take my time. I’m worth the wait.

My ex would get drunk and yell at me for 4 hours telling me how horrible I was. My boyfriend tells me how beautiful I am for 4 hours when I feel defeated by a world that has no use for my kind heart.

My ex would tell me that I wasn’t good enough to work and no one likes me, just so I didn’t have enough confidence to show up. My boyfriend cleans the floors of my new salon and washes every color bowl and champagne glass at the end of a 14 hour work day.

My ex never helped me bring the groceries in.. I was terrified to tell him how much I spent on what we NEEDED. My boyfriend RUNS to open the door for me and won’t let me carry anything, even my purse.

My ex pushed my daughter away when she ran to help him take off his shoes after he came in the door from work. My boyfriend tells her how strong she is for having such a big heart in such an unkind world.

My ex disabled my battery so I couldn’t go to church. My boyfriend sits next to me in church and raises his hands in worship.

My ex told me no one would want me because I have 3 kids. My boyfriend said he loved our blended family so much, he wanted us to have one more.

My ex said that he scraped the bottom of the barrel and found me. My boyfriend says if I was a car, I’d be a Bugatti.

My ex told me I wouldn’t look good with my hair colored. My boyfriend colors my hair.

My ex threw a breakfast sandwich at me that I made him at 5am before work because it didn’t have cheese on it. My boyfriend makes me breakfast and French press coffee every morning and turns on my vanity lights as soon as my alarm goes off so I’m ready for my day.

My ex is an unattractive 300 pound narcissist.
My boyfriend has a 6 pack and is the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.

Never settle for an unhealthy love. You are worth it. I am proof that you can move on. I had to share my own experiences because I know a lot of people can relate.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It ALWAYS protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

[stickyvicky]

Wow I almost just cried reading this! Made me think of my ex and how lucky I am today!

[WalterB]

I may have mentioned this before. There was a woman I thought I was going to marry . We were high school sweethearts. We were in touch for maybe 15 years after HS, then lost touch. She found me online in about 2003. All the emotions came flooding back, we reconnected, and found we were still deeply in love. She was married, but we both said, that, if life brought us the opportunity, we would get married. The vision was that, at our age, and with the depth of the love we felt, that we would walk off into the sunset of our lives holding hands and living out our lives in each others arms.

Well, her husband died. After a bit, we started seeing each other. I would drive to Dallas, or sometimes we'd both drive to Abilene for the weekend. Life was good, and I thought we were on our way. The romance and the love was unbelievable. I started making plans to pack up all my crap, sell this trailer and move to Dallas.

Then one night she called me. She said, "I don't love you and I can't marry you." No explanation, nothing. Just basically, "I"m outta here." To this day I have no idea what happened. To say I was devastated is a major understatement. I truly did have a hard time sleeping, I had a hard time doing anything. But, you know what? I have always had this positive attitude that life is good. Despite all of the speed bumps and difficulties, life is good. And there's no way I'm going to let it get me down. I saw a comment once, something like "When I die, I'm not going to lie down and say, 'take me now.' I'm going out like I'm sliding into home in the World Series, bottom of the ninth, with the winning run, shouting "MAN! What a ride!" I'm going out with a smile on my face and love in my heart. NO ONE will rule my life. NO ONE will get me down for long. This is MY life and I'm going to love it, I'm going to LIVE it to the fullest.

No, you need to get up and get the hell out there. Find something you like. Start a hobby, look around for groups to join that do things you like. Look for volunteer activities doing something you like. It's your life, Kirstie. You can either get up, get out and live it, or continue to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. It is totally your choice. Who cares if your ex BF is a loser. You are a WINNER! So, start acting like it.