Diogenes' Middle Finger decided to answer some reader email:
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from heckler99@ooooooooooooooooo
Dear DS,
If I were to ask your best friend what legendry act they would always remember you for, what would they say.
Dear Heckler, I once told my bestest friend in all the world that I was coming to one of her epic Halloween parties dressed as Amelia Earhart. Then I never showed up.
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Now that I think about it, that sounds like something Steven Wright would say.
Joke Thread
By request, for Vicky.
A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
Q: Why did the sperm cross the road?
A: Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
Q: Why did the sperm cross the road?
A: Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31461
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
From my friends at Denny's:
Q: What state makes the most writing utensils?
A: Pennsylvania.
Q: Who makes those little 6 oz drink cans you get at the store?
A: Minnesota
Hey, I didn't say they were funny.
Q: What state makes the most writing utensils?
A: Pennsylvania.
Q: Who makes those little 6 oz drink cans you get at the store?
A: Minnesota
Hey, I didn't say they were funny.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Don't know if I've told this one before.
Q: What's the difference between a lobster with implants and a dirty bus stop?
A: One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
OK here's another oldie.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said, "Thank you."
I said, "Don't mention it."
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle. The juggler notices that all four gentlemen don't have a great view, so he climbs up onto a box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
Q: What's the difference between a lobster with implants and a dirty bus stop?
A: One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
OK here's another oldie.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said, "Thank you."
I said, "Don't mention it."
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle. The juggler notices that all four gentlemen don't have a great view, so he climbs up onto a box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31461
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
That last one reminded me of when Jose' came to America to visit his family in New York. When he got back home, of course his friends wanted to know how it went.
Jose told them, "Oh, America was wonderful. They helped me everywhere I went. My brother took me to a baseball game. We had great seats out in center field, near where they have their flag pole. Everyone was so wonderful. While we were being seated, suddenly everyone stood up, looked at me and Juan and all said, "Jose', can you see...?"
Jose told them, "Oh, America was wonderful. They helped me everywhere I went. My brother took me to a baseball game. We had great seats out in center field, near where they have their flag pole. Everyone was so wonderful. While we were being seated, suddenly everyone stood up, looked at me and Juan and all said, "Jose', can you see...?"
I can resist everything except temptation.
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31461
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
There was a robbery down at the steakhouse last night. But it wasn't very well done.
Hey, someone's gotta keep you folks honest
Hey, someone's gotta keep you folks honest
I can resist everything except temptation.
Q: How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb.
A: Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
A: Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
Alas, the march of technology means we have to say good-bye to some old jokes, like this one:
I object to all this sex on the TV. I mean, I keep falling off!
I object to all this sex on the TV. I mean, I keep falling off!
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
Blame my daughter for this one:
1. See the future.
2. Tell people about it.
3. ???
4. Prophet
1. See the future.
2. Tell people about it.
3. ???
4. Prophet
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
Some more for Vicky to share, if she likes them. Lovingly borrowed from a streamer called Nalopia.
Q: How is Vicky the same as a Happy Meal?
A: They both come with a toy in them.
A birth control pill is the second most effective thing you can swallow to keep from getting pregnant.
Q: What do a Gynecologist and a pizza delivery person have in common?
A: They both smell it, but are not allowed to taste it.
Q: Why is a pussy like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside.
Q: How is Vicky the same as a Happy Meal?
A: They both come with a toy in them.
A birth control pill is the second most effective thing you can swallow to keep from getting pregnant.
Q: What do a Gynecologist and a pizza delivery person have in common?
A: They both smell it, but are not allowed to taste it.
Q: Why is a pussy like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside.
"I need to update this forum software so we can have a "like" button! I would like Davest's post over and over!" -Vicky
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WalterB
- Special Forces Commander (General, 4-Star)
- Posts: 31461
- Joined: December 31st, 2005, 10:42 pm
- Location: El Paso, Texas
- Contact:
I have video editing software (I thought, lol.) I could edit the clip down to the good part, but for some reason, the software isn't recognising my account. So I just gave up
The lady is Natasha Lyonne. She's pretty funny. the clip is 5 minutes long. If you just want to hear the joke on Jay Leno, just move the slider up to 3:30. But, either way, I'm pretty sure you'll like that last part.
The lady is Natasha Lyonne. She's pretty funny. the clip is 5 minutes long. If you just want to hear the joke on Jay Leno, just move the slider up to 3:30. But, either way, I'm pretty sure you'll like that last part.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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