Joke Thread

[PeterL22]

More from a hospital near you .........

In my local hospital I overheard the patients reading Scottish poetry.
It was the Serious Burns Unit!

The condition of the patient who complained about hospital food, her bed, the ward and the nurses was described last night as "highly critical"

A man admitted to hospital after insisting he was a cushion was described by doctors as "comfortable"

A man was taken to hospital covered in wood and hay and with a horse inside him
His condition was described as "stable"

Two competitors were rushed to hospital after an accident at the World Tag Championships.
A hospital spokesman said it was touch and go for a while.

Woman : "my husband was admitted yesterday. How is he? He thinks he's a torpedo."
Doctor: "We're hoping to discharge him tomorrow!"

[lance_s]

In keeping with the running discussion between Vicky and I:

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup

What do you get if you run in front of a car?
Tired

What do you get if run behind a car?
Exhausted

How do you know you're a dedicated runner?
Your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.

What do you call a free treadmill?
The great outdoors.

How do you make your computer run faster?
Paint a Jamaican flag on it.

[WalterB]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandpa did.
Not screaming and kicking, like the passengers in his car.

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

[CaribbeanZack]

If Athletes get Athletes foot ...what do Elves get?

mistletoes

Love corny jokes

[lance_s]

Purloined from LoneStarAngel's website:

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

“What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

“What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

“A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'”

[WalterB]

A good component of fitness and health is inner peace. A doctor on TV said that, in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. It sounded good to me. So I started looking around the house to find things I had started and not finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminum scriptins, an a boks of choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I fel right now. Sned this to all ur frenz who ned inner piss. An telum u luvum.

[lance_s]

A good component of fitness and health is inner peace. A doctor on TV said that, in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. It sounded good to me. So I started looking around the house to find things I had started and not finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminum scriptins, an a boks of choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I fel right now. Sned this to all ur frenz who ned inner piss. An telum u luvum.

Good one!

[lance_s]

The voice navigation system on my gf's iphone telling me to make a right turn at kemin delmer.

Um, that's Chemin D'Aylmer....

[WalterB]

How to impress a woman:
Kiss her, hug her, tease and please her, compliment and protect her, listen to and support her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked with beer!

[Lovealwayswins]

Do I have a joke thread? If I do please excuse me and I'll merge it, lol... I couldn't remember but didn't see one... senility sucks... I know Shanda has one, and Rokkerr has one... Sunny too... Where's my freakin' joke thread?


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

LMAO

[lance_s]

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left behind by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[CaribbeanZack]

.

[lance_s]

Something that fell came out of a box of old papers. Well beyond its "best before" date, but I thought I'd post it anyway:

[lance_s]

Why mortgage lenders like borrowers to have a significant other:

Sign/if/I/cant

[CaribbeanZack]

Are videos allowed?

phpBB [media]

phpBB [media]

[ErikB]

Are videos allowed?

phpBB [media]

phpBB [media]

I think so, since they were intended to be humorous.
And I loved them both!

[ErikB]

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900.

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700.

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

[lance_s]

Police officer on traffic duty to pretty young lady crossing the road: "Excuse me miss, your slip is showing".

Lady, "Why, heaven's above".

Officer, "Yes miss, I know. But I'm on duty right now."

[AJ29]

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will spend 30 seconds looking for a golf ball

[WalterB]

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